OH feeling the pressure - advice please!

[Florinda]

Hi there
Anyone elses OH struggling to, ahem, "finish" the job????

We are ttc #2 after 5 years of waiting - no idea if that was the right or wrong thing to do.
Just found out recentley that I have polycystic ovaries but not PCOS. Only 2nd month of ttc and DH is struggling to keep up with the pace. Have missed 3 days in my fertile period cos he can't "finish" the job IUKWIM. Feeling bad for him and trying not to be worried about it but am at a loss of what to do - you'd think he wouldn't be this bored/stressed/pressured so early on in trying or am i just being naive???!!!

Any advice/experience would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Hi Florinda,

With PCO it is likely that you are not having a "fertile" period at all. Ovulation is very hit and miss if PCO is an issue and generally speaking irregular cycles make ovulation (well regular ovulation anyway) far less likely.

You need to take the pressure off both of you because if this is what it is like now and only two months in it could be a far bigger problem in a year's time. This needs to be addressed now, you've got to talk to each other honestly and openly and without rancour.

If you are using any kit or temp chart refrain immediately from doing so (these are not helpful if PCO is there anyway). Do not make lovemaking something to be done on set days; this is perhaps also why he is experiencing problems currently. Make love when you both feel like it (two or three times a week throughout the cycle is fine) and not simply when you think its ovulation time. Such timing of intercourse is never a good idea. Ovulation is not an exact science anyway and it is all too easy to get the date wrong. With PCO ovulation is more likely to be affected.

What treatment, if any, has been suggested for your PCO to date?.

Hi,

I had polycystic ovaries for a short while which eventually cleared up on their own (it was due to overactive thyroid after DS was born) If you arent being recommended any treatment, and have been told that you dont have PCOS then it is likely that you DO have normal fertile periods. In fact taking your temperature would confirm this. (This seems especially likely seeing as you already have a DS, you obviously are able to get pregnant)

Anyway, I have discovered too that the more pressure you give DH the less you can guarantee results! It helped me to think about how I would feel if he told me that it was vitally important that I have an orgasm RIGHT NOW, and if the roles were reversed what would I want him to do instead to make it all work.

best of luck xxxx

It's pesky isn't it Florinda especially as it's shown that timed intercourse can be successful.

Rather than do the "shag me right now" thing , I send DH a sexy text about 5 days before my "window" (CD12-14 for me) letting him know when some SWI would be good. "Comeon then if you think you are hard enough" and the like

This gives him time to get his mind around the idea and cometh the day (cometh the man ) he's more on-board with the idea and it doesn't need talking about.

The first thing you have to do is stop doing it 3 days in a row. It really is not necessary and also make sure you sometimes do it for fun.

The next thing you have to do is make sure OH knows you are doing because you love him and want him and not just thinking about having a baby. Despite the common misconception, blokes enjoy sex far more if they feel loved and wanted and that their DW/DP is really enjoying the moment.

Finally, you need to tell OH that if he does have a failure OR even if he begins to think he will fail that he must not worry and he should ask to stop immediatley. Go and have a cup of tea with him and come back to it later. Getting him into a panic and real state about it is really guaranted to build up the wall of worry. Its a feedback loop. The more he fails the mor he will worry and the more he will fail. You must take the pressure right off him.

MummyAbroad - you are dead right. Being expected to ejaculate on demand is extremely difficult.

Hi florinda it's a difficult one but don't panic, actually I conceived one month where DH found it difficult to finish, don't know how but we did.
My tips are

• have a low-key chat with your dh and ask him how he wants to handle this ttc business. Maybe he wants to know when you think it would be good timing, maybe he'd prefer that if he just agrees that sex 2-3 times a week is manageable through the cycle he doesn't need to know anything.

• don't even think about sex two or three days in a row

• make sure you have sex during the tww, remind each other that it's not all about sperm meeting egg, but about your bond as a couple too.

• if you think you've missed your chance one month, don't 'count' that month and eat/drink things you might otherwise avoid 'just in case' - may as well enjoy the time before the disappointment, rather than moping for two weeks

Good luck!

Oh, and I have PCOS, temping and clearblue fertility monitor work fine for me, it's quite an individual thing, I think.