OH can't be bothered/doesn't understand urgency

[Messing]

Hi all,

As per thread title, does anyone else have a DP/DH who just isn't making the effort when you are TTC, so it's all effectively left to you?

A bit of background: we conceived DC1 (13 months old) in a few months. I took everything into my own hands (as it were!) and used OPKS which worked for us.

I am now late 30s, DH early 40s so I realise we were lucky to conceive relatively easily. OH, however, has quite a low libido and would probably be happy to dtd twice a month, if that. (Although not great, this wouldn't bother me in itself if we weren't TTC. He was rampant when we were younger so I guess it's an age thing).

A few months ago I started using OPKs again, and gOt a positive result yesterday (which confirmed what I thought as I had plenty of EWCM - sorry if TMI). I initiated things with DH last night, but was told he was too tired, could we wait until tomorrow. This morning he was also 'too tired'. So I am sitting at home with DC1 today, feeling like I am at my most fertile, but with DH at work until late so nothing I can do.

I suspect what will happen is that he'll decide he feels like dtd on Saturday or Sunday, which of course is fine but won't help with TTC at all as will be too late. So that's another month gone.

There have been occasions where he's gone along with dtd depite him not initially wanting to, and more often than not it's ended with him being unable to come (again, sorry if TMI).

This is not the first time it's happened - he just rarely seems willing or able to dtd at the 'right' time. It doesn't help that he doesn't understand my cycles - I suspect he thinks women can conceive at any time. I have tried explaining this is not the case, but don't want to present him with a full essay on it and diagrams as I suspect that may be a complete passion-killer.

Can anyone advise what I should try doing? It's breaking my heart to think we may not conceive another DC, and not because of fertility issues but because of not having enough sex at the right time, which just seems so ridiculous.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading.

Oops - forgot to add: DH does want another DC as much as I do, it's definitely not a question of him not wanting another child. He absolutely dotes on DC1.

Would it be practical to say "these are the days I'm most likely to be able to conceive" and agree to TTC on those nights, so he can make sure he has enough energy etc?

Hmmm.. That can be difficult. I did that once and got a pouty look like "you're asking me to put out on demand..?! What am I? Some sort of sperm bank..?!" Confusing and very annoying. You'll figure something out though. :-)

If he wants another DC then he'll have to "put out on demand". That's the price he's got to pay and TBH it's a pretty small price. Are you sure he does want another DC?

I could have almost written your post, down to the whole trying to be more explicit and then not being able to do the biz to completion.

I don't know what to suggest but rteally hope some pearls of wisdom will be given by another poster!

Please do not say anything like, "these are the days I am most likely to conceive!". No, no, no. Conception does not work like that at all!. OPK's as well can be wrong; they are not absolute indicators of ovulation.

You are putting undue pressure on both of you to conceive another child. If you both want another child then both honest and open communication between the two of you is necessary. This issue will drive a wedge between you if it is not doing so already so it needs to be properly addressed. Being resentful of him whilst understandable will not help either of you.

Infact what I would do is stop using any OPK and such like because he knows what you're doing and again this increases the pressure on both of you to conceive. You must take the pressure off both of you. If his libido is consistently low then the reasons for this really need to be determined. I would go along with him to the GPs to see if there is any medical cause.

Folicacid - glad it's not just me - sorry to hear you are/were in the same situation. It's unbelievably frustrating isn't it.

nocake - he definitely wants another DC, that's not the problem. He was ecstatic about DC1 and talks about having another.

"I suspect he thinks women can conceive at any time. I have tried explaining this is not the case, but don't want to present him with a full essay on it and diagrams as I suspect that may be a complete passion-killer."

Ok so really what you want is some way to explain that TTC can't happen on any old day, but without talking about "ovulation" and "EWCM" and all that.

Tricky, I agree. You could simply say you're finding you feel more keen on sex at certain times of the month than others? (leave him to draw his own conclusions about why that is)?

Another option rather than explaining the facts of life to him... it sounds like he may genuinely be very tired. (I know tiredness affects my DH's libido hugely.) A series of early nights in the run up to your fertile days could do wonders. I understand he works late, maybe you could drop some hints a few days in advance about "early night on Wednesday" (or whenever) so he can try to get home earlier those days? if he does have to work late... jump on him as soon as he's home rather than waiting till (v late) bedtime.

and don't forget to enjoy it yourself as well as just thinking "am I pg yet"!!

good luck

x

It is hard, isn't it. I have heard that one of the reasons for reduced fertility in older couples (say over 35 - and I'm in that camp) is that we simply have lower libidos and therefore shag less (I do know there are other reasons too)... I really don't think that OH's really understand the disappointment when AF arrives. No matter supportive they are or how much they are bought into having a DC.

Can you have a frank discussion with him to explain that there really is only a one-week window each month where you need him to go with the flow? And then use whatever foxy little tricks are most likely to get him very much in the mood? This is probably way TMI (or is there any such thing on MN?) but my DH and I have deliberately decided to put a bit more effort into DTD so that we really do enjoy it. So I've shelled out on some lovely lingerie (let's face it I might as well as once I'm pregnant I'll be back to Mothercare's finest [bleurchh]). And we've deliberately not been forcing ourselves to DTD all the time - when I'm less fertile we've been going with whatever we feel like and I've felt a lot less pressured.

Its not a "one week window" of opportunity. You must take the pressure off both of you.
If lovemaking becomes a chore or pressurised it will be less enjoyable. Timing of intercourse is never a good idea as it can harm relationships.

You really do need to talk openly and honestly to each other.

Ovulation is not an exact science and a woman can ovulate earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle. OPK's can add to the overall pressure.

i too could have written your post. My dh is quite happy just to dtd and "wait and see". i have tried to explain to him that fertility does decline as you get older and the window of opportunity is quite small.

It is important not to put too much pressure on him - this will affect his erm performance as you know. So I keep my dh a bit in the dark about my cycle - so he thinks I have had a big increase in my libido though! We found that having sex earlier in the evening really helped - in my dh's case it was tiredness I think that was affecting him.

and like gruffalomoma I have had to put alot more effort into sex! It is no longer sufficient (ime and in my relationship anyway) just to nudge dh, I definitely have to be more seductive. (bit of a pain that one tbh!).

opks put alot of pressure on you too (as does temping) - I hate knowing that I have to swi that day and then if the opportunity is lost you feel rubbish and increasingly desperate for the next day/evening/whatever. Really not a good experience.

You could be describing my DH. This month I really thought it was our month, and this morning it turns out not. He was staggered when I was upset and it gradually dawned on him how I felt, even though I thought I had made it fairly obvious. We have concluded that yes, More Shagging is what we need to do. I am very reluctant to go down the OPK and charting route as I know for him, it would be a turn off. I am a similar age to you, though DH is a bit younger than yours and I completely understand your urgent feeling.

Attila, of course ovulation isn't an exact science and the day it happens on can move about, but surely generally speaking it is possible to say there is a week or so in a given month where someone is more likely to conceive than if they tried to immediately before or during/after their period?! Sperm only live a certain amount of time, and eggs last for an even shorter while.

If someone is just beginning to ttc with no known worries than I agree it's best not to get too wound up about the 'right time' but if ttcing has been happening for a while I do think it's worth considering whether you're actually having sex while fertile! Otherwise you end up at the doctor after a year, and the only advice he can have give is to do just that. Of course if you have sex reasonably regularly over the course of the month you should hit the 'right' days anyway, but depending on libido that doesn't work for everyone.

I also agree that talking honestly and openly is important. It might be that in this case, OP, you end up saying that if do you check fertility signs, you won't tell your partner about them and you'll also have sex when you think it's not the right time - so there shouldn't be too much pressure on any one occasion.

We have had this problem at times .. we get around it and try and not make it too clinical by just saying "how about an early night tonight" before we leave for work so we both know where we are in the scheme of things ..

Firstly I would use BBT charting because then you really do have to 'do it on demand'with much less frequency. I was trying for a while and after two months of charting while hubby was working away he came back we had sex the day before ovulation and bang..it worked first time. I was using OPK's for months but they were giving me positive results well outside when I ovulated (like on cycle day 14 when I actually ovulated on day 18). Taking control of your fertility in this way will mean less nagging at hubby.

My DH was pretty good when we were TTC and if I couldnt be bothered but knew we had to then I would encourage him to 'get himself' to a point which could make the whole process quicker and less tiring as otherwise it would last for much longer than I wanted if I was shattered. Perhaps you could try these things? Good Luck.

Attila: "If lovemaking becomes a chore or pressurised it will be less enjoyable. Timing of intercourse is never a good idea as it can harm relationships."

If my husband and I had sex only when we both felt like it, I can tell you with certainty that would average once a week, because that's about how often we used to have sex prior to TTC. And that's not going to get me up the pole, is it?!?

So the only option for us is "timing of intercourse". Yes, in line with your guidelines, we try to SWI every other day or so from the end of my period to just before the next - but I'm not going to pretend that we're doing it for fun. It's a project, like any other. Sorry if that's not very romantic, but it's realistic!

Runlyrarun I totally agree with you. If I hadnt timed it I would have still been trying now. I also didnt feel that it harmed my relationship at all, yes it made sex less enjoyable as you do it wehn you need to rather than when you want to but actually you have a shared objective and that is to make a baby and that brought us much closer together.

At the end of the day if you want to get pregnant quickly and time is of the essence (which again with a history of early menopause it was for me and my husband was working away a lot at the time) you would be daft not to time sex around ovulation. I know one thing that does harm a relationship and that is the stress and anxiety as well as frustration of NOT being pregnant when its all you want. The day I got a positive HPT all that timed sex is gone then and the relief and closeness it brought us was unbelievable.

Chart BBT thats what I say!

PS

Attila: 'Ovulation is not an exact science and a woman can ovulate earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle. OPK's can add to the overall pressure'.

This is wrong with proper BBT charting you can get it down to an exact science. I knew the day I ovulated and could predict it for the following month.

OP I would suggest tracking on fertility friend register with them, it makes life a lot easier!

Honestly, more sex in general is probably the best way to go. Sperm can hang around for quite some time, and the more sex you have, the better quality the sperm (depending on what the man is doing on his own as well).
If you personally also know what times of the month are likely to be fertile then you can make sure that those are the times you make your sex ...ummm...more productive and less recreational. But it should be possible to increase your mutual libidos if you're really determined.

I could have written the OP myself so struck a chord. Have name changed for what will become obvious reasons. I have longstanding fertility issues and am 42 so time and reproduction not on my side. I used a clearblue monitor last time and got pregnant the first month i used it (imo much more effective than OPKs).

Anyway this time been trying for about 6 months using the monitor and pressure to perform causing the same problems some months along with a general lack of interest in making an effort when too tired etc.

So last time the monitor when straight to high after DH already left for work nursing a hangover. Rang him and told him today was the day and he said he'd pop home on his way to another event. Came home stank of stale booze and announced he had half an hour, hardly inspiring a romantic encounter, so i told him just to provide a sample (funny how they can always knock one out even under pressure isn't it!) and left - for want of a better description i then insemnated myself and am now 4 months pregnant.

So you can always bypass the deed itself, i think DH was quite relieved on the day not to have to dtd and i certainly was. We are both over the moon with the outcome although will obviously never be sharing in RL how we conceived. But to be honest after 4 years of fertility treatment before we conceived DD1 we rationalised it was no worse than IVF and in this case more effective!!

Just a thought ..........

Thanks all for your comments, and for the honesty in sharing your own stories.

I understand the comments about throwing away the OPKs/not timing sex etc - and honestly, if I were 5/10 years younger I wouldn't go near an OPK and would just go with the flow. I just feel like at my age I need all the help I can get - and it did work last time round.
(DH didn't/doesn't know I am using them, btw)

Will see how things go over the next few months and hope we get a lucky break. And try not to obsess too much about things...

Re seeing how it goes over the next few months. Gynaes generally like to see women over the age of 35 if they have been ttc for six months without success.

Be wary of OPKs; they are not without their problems. Charting is not always helpful either as you can have a temp rise in the second half of the cycle when an egg has not been shed so it is not completely infallible. It tends to be more helpful when periods are regular in nature although some women can and do get hung up over such methods as well.

Hey I totally get where your coming from . I’m very teary eyed right now as I haven’t ovulated for almost a year and I started taking folic acid,vit d tabs,iron tabs and some other prenatal vitamins and I got 5 positive ovulation tests and my periods are back to a normal cycle!! So I’m ovulating and I just said to my partner can we make love as I’m ovulating, he says oh not now , not in the mood , let’s do it when we get paid on Friday as it be in a better mood then. !!!! I’ve come into the bedroom and locked the door as I’m crying ! Does he not understand the urgency to this ? Ovulation is going to end in a few hours !! Then he starts having a go at me saying I’m putting him down!! I feel like getting a sperm donor from so one more fricking reliable… I’m so upset , he knows how much this means to me and how long I’ve been ttc !!!

I think most of us are in the same boat OP.
If we only DTD when we were both in the mood, awake and free from DS, it would be twice a year 🤣
I told DH that the egg is only there for 12 hours, and that those 12 hours aren't easy to guess, so he understands the timing aspect.
Then I either make a move on him, or tell him in advance that "tonight is a good night" if I know he will be tired/expecting to stay up later than me etc, so that it's not a totally surprise 🤭
DS conceived in first cycle. On cycle 2 for a sibling 🤞🏻 hopefully we dtd at a very good time this month!