Will be TTC in 2011 - musings on how my relationships with friends will change...

[callista]

Hello mumsnet!

I've just taken the exciting step of coming off the pill in the hope of TTC early next year (will be using condoms in the meantime). Am taking folic acid and attempting to look after myself, and am so thrilled about the possibility of having a little one around in the near future! [fingers crossed]

I'm 26, married (DH is 31) and am enjoying a career in publishing. None of my close friends (mostly from uni) are even close to a place where they are thinking about kids, but some friends of DH have a beautiful baby girl (they're DH's age).

My question is - do you think I'll regret having kids before my closest friends are at that stage of their lives? I would love them to be involved but tbh I think they will be a bit taken aback as they're all working hard with their careers and/or single, or just not ready yet. DH and I have been together for 7 years and married earlier this year so it's not a crazy rush, but we both feel as ready as we'll ever be. (!)

Both DH and I were born to youngish (around 23 years old) parents so of course that has affected how we view the whole idea of family - my grandparents are still around and relatively healthy and my parents are just turning 50.

I'm sure we'll make friends with lots of new people who are in a similar position, but I love my friends and would like them to feel welcome and involved. How can I ease them into the idea of me being a mum?

Of course I know we'll have a whole other world of things to worry about if things go as planned, but while I'm waiting and getting my body healthy I'd love to hear opinions on how to keep in touch with my lovely friends.

• Cal

[PS - so grateful for the MN world - have been lurking for a little while and it has put my mind at ease about a whole host of things that I can't ask anyone else about!]

Hey Callista

I'm in the same position as you, having come off the pill with the intention of TTC in 2011. I'm 30 and DP 32.

I think your friends may surprise you - one of my good friends had her first baby 'young' (when we were both about 26?) and, although I wasn't ready for my own kids then, I've really really enjoyed being involved with hers and don't mind at all doing more 'child-centred' stuff with her, it makes a nice change. We have remained close, though obviously you both have to appreciate that the way your friendship operates will naturally change and adjust - if you're aware of that and accept it then it's not a big deal. Personally I'd be really touched by a friend letting me know that they wanted me to be welcome and involved as they started their family - maybe being upfront is the way to go?

If you're the first in your group of friends, you may also get the benefit of the 'novelty factor', which will wear off once all and sundry are popping them out!

Good luck! Sounds like you're in a good place.

Quod

Hi Quod,

Great to hear from someone who has been there and good luck for 2011!

We just went on holiday with DH's friends (and 7 month old) and had the best time hanging out with the little one, but I just assumed that it was all going so well because I'm so broody .

Here's hoping the novelty factor will swing it with my friends - I'm sure they'll be v supportive even if privately thinking 'omg'!

I guess it seems crazy that 25+ seems young these days but I can totally understand how uni and building a career and finding the right other half just takes a while.

You're right - I think I'll bring up the whole baby thing next time we're all having coffee and see if they're keen to hear about it.

Anyway good luck!

Call - it totally depends on you and DH. Like you said, you both feel ready and right for it. So great! You've been together a good lenght of time. Your friends are in a different place.

There are swings and roundabouts with any age. My mum was 23 when she had me and I always wanted to be young mum like her. At 29, I'm not old, but still not pg either! They say the younger you are the more energy and there are huge advantages to having your parents around to help. Friends can also come and go, to some extent, and as Quod said, those that are real friends will enjoy spending time with the little one - getting in practice! Having said that, apparently older parents have more patience...but who can tell!

I doubt you would really consider delaying your decision based on your friends. Who knows, one may have an "accident" and join you in pregnancy! Or, it may take you longer than you expected, in which case you'll be glad you started trying earlier.

I agree that the novelty factor is a good one. We've been trying for 9 months, and now loads of my friends and sister/sister-in-law are already pregnant. I feel like once I actually get there, everyone will be busy with their own and I'm copying them!!

Good luck with it all

Miff

Thanks Miffles - good luck to you too!

Hi Callista - None of my friends have children (I am 25 and DP 27) and I am also seriously thinking of taking the plunge next year..

I think people are generally very adaptable and I know if I had children my friends would be very supportive - I don't live close to many of my friends anyway so that is not really an issue. The main thing I am worried about is that my partner has his own business and works from home and is likely to continue to do so if I went on maternity leave from my job, I can't decide whether this is a good thing or not!

Anyway, it's very exciting isn't it! :) I haven't really talked about it with anyone in real life apart from my partner (and even then... he gets bored of the subject much quicker than me..!) so mumsnet is very helpful

Catfishes, yes, sooo exciting! I feel like I'm the first person ever to consider such a genius idea, so mumsnet is good for my sanity .

None of my close friends live anywhere near me. One is moving back from South America later this year but another is moving to NZ for a year in 2011, so it's swings and roundabouts. Where I live is full of old people and young families so we feel a bit out of the loop at the moment!

I haven't mentioned it to anyone except my other half and I have forbidden him to talk about it with anyone for now! Will wait to see how we get on. And as you've found, I'm not sure he's all that interested just yet (will be more so when the TTC commences of course!)

My husband is in the military so is away a lot - have loved my independence until now but a bit freaked out by the concept of him being away for a month at a time several times a year, esp with both of our families being 200+ miles away.

Does your DP have a proper office at home or is he just in one of the spare rooms? Might be good to get him some soundproofing! I think it will be great to have him around as long as you come to an agreement about what's expected of him - you don't want to feel abandoned while he's working, nor do you want him hovering! Maybe he could take a long lunch to help out but work a bit later in the day to make up hours?

Of course this is all very much getting ahead of myself but, y'know, am excited and want to talk with others in the same situation! Maybe we'll see each other on one of the TTC lists next year. Good luck!

I live somewhere with old people and young families too! I quite like it though, it's a sort of commuter village thing a small way outside of a city - we are only renting at the moment (house deposits?, hahaha :(.......) but there are two really sweet looking primary schools near here and I often find myself imagining strolling down to one of them in the morning, my yet-to-be-conceived progeny skipping joyously in front of me!!

We live in quite a big 2 bed flat, and DP has the spare room as his office, he is a web developer and musician and also runs a music label so he works from home on all three at varying times! I am not sure how it would work but I'm sure it has been done before. I kind of feel a bit irrational, like this broodiness has taken over any practical issues that need to be taken into consideration - however I have been saving manically into a specific new bank account since May so I do feel a bit prepared financially, despite the fact that neither of us have massive incomes or savings.

I know what you mean about feeling like you are the only one to have ever thought of the idea! I feel exactly the same - none of my friends appear to be really at the same stage as me, or they are gay, or they want babies but are single - so it's quite lonely!!

I don't have any family or any other support around me either, my Mum lives the other side of the country and my Dad lives a bit closer but wouldn't be much use. DP's mother does live fairly close so I suppose that is good!! It's funny that we have opposite problems, I'm worried about getting on each others nerves and being in close proximity too much, and you have to consider the reverse - Good luck to you too, if you ever want to rave about something you know where I am!

Good work on the renting though - we bought in July 2007, one or two months before the recession hit - as a result we'll be in this house for quite a long time, still not at pre-recession prices!

Sounds like your partner has a very creative vocation, v impressive - hope you can work something out re working from home. My parents were young when they had me and lived in the tiniest house - all this preoccupation with living somewhere big enough is a bit of a modern obsession

Sounds like we are very much in the same boat - good to know I'm not crazy to be considering kids at this stage in my life!