Feeling sorry for myself

[Pippaandpolly]

I had a miscarriage in May (6 weeks - planned pregnancy) and have continued to ttc ever since, so far to no avail. One of my very good friends is 8 1/2 months pregnant and another good friend is about 4 months - in fact her due date is only a few days after what mine was going to be (which KILLS me). I haven't told either of them about the miscarriage, because I didn't want to freak them out - the former because she was pregnant and the latter because I knew she was trying too. Now, whenever I see them or talk to them, they are so excited and happy and I just want to cry. I hate that I'm being so selfish about it - after all, it was my choice not to tell them so I can hardly berate them for being insensitive! - but it's just making me not want to see them. The friend who's due in a couple of weeks has a 15 month old son who's so gorgeous; she brought him round the other day and I'm sure I must have seemed incredibly rude. I could barely look her in the eye - between the toddler and the enormous bump it was all a bit much. I know it's ridiculous, and in the grand scheme of things we've only been trying since April, which isn't that long, but I am feeling really low about it, especially because I feel bad that I feel bad...if that makes sense! I don't want to be a crap friend to these two, but the last thing I want to think about is their pregnancies. Please give me a bit of a slap and send me on my way with a cup of tea and some gratitude that I'm young and healthy - I feel terrible.

Oh you poor love. I can't be much help I'm afraid, but someone will be along soon with experience of this. You do sound fed up.

I've never been pregnant but you have, so you will know better than me whether hearing that someone they know had a miscarriage will scare them. But just from my - admittedly probably naive - perspective, we all know that miscarriages happen all the time, are you sure that your friends can't take the news? It's a shame for you all if you're reacting in a funny way and they don't know why.

I don't know, I think it just scared me so much that I assumed they wouldn't want to know while in their position. But maybe I'm wrong - it's hard to be properly rational about it. You're right though that I'm reacting oddly to them - and they must wonder what on earth's going on. I think maybe I'll wait till they've had their babies and then tell them, so they know why I was being weird...although by that point maybe I'll just feel like I'm dragging up ancient history (with the January due date at least). I don't know, I think I just need to get a grip.

PS - thank you for you reply AmandaCooper - I really appreciate it.

If they're good friends, they'll have spotted something's up and may be concerned that you're suffering heaven knows what. Assuming your friends are nice, they'll really appreciate your sensitivity to their feelings and hopefully will be able to offer you support or a sympathetic space.

So I'd suggest you seriously consider telling them soon, before their babies appear (probably less emotional all round not to do things on top of each other iyswim).

Good luck with ttc, I hope you're finding some ways to be nice to yourself.

I think I would probably tell them if I was in your position, but only because I wouldnt want them to think I was just being a bit odd, I wouldn't really want their sympathy iyswim?

I'm pretty sure if you're good friends then they'll be understanding and know why you didn't mention it at first and love you even more for that.

You poor thing, it is a horrible situation to be in, I've been there myself, sadly a few times now.

Best of luck.

I really think that you should tell them if you want, it won't freak them out - they are both at a different stage of pregnancy. It may be emotional, but when I was pregnant I cried at everything.

What you've been through is really hard - and their pregnancies will be difficult for you, that's just natural. Hopefully you'll have some better news to share with them before too long.

Pippaandpolly, in my opinion you have every right to feel how you are, but then I am in a similar position to you.

DH & I have been TTC for 3 years, finally got pg in February which we got very excited about, but then had a MC :(

Every where I look there are pregnant women, babies & children and I find myself welling up more often than not
To make matters worse, SIL is pregnant which wasnt planned and is due round about I would have been- grrrrr! However, family knew about our pregancy and the MC and she was really sympathetic - almost apologising for her being pregnant and me not.

Tell your friends about the MC, they will be supportive. Although,it wont take away the heartache, especially when your 2nd friend gives birth! How will they know how youre feeling if you don't tell them?

It may not be any comfort, and you've probably heard it many times before but micarriages happen for a reason, and at the very least it proves that you are able to conceive!

Good luck, and have plenty of baby-making-sex xxxx

You poor thing. I really feel for you. I think it may be best to tell them, for what it's worth. They will be very sympathetic if they are good friends and will understand why you've not been your usual self lately. I HATE that feeling - that twisty, hatey, tear-filled feeling :(

All the best x

PippaandPolly and IfAtFirstUDontSucceed I am really sorry for your losses.

Pippa,

I had a miscarriage in April and am ttc again too, also my sister in law is 7 months pregnant, so I can sympathise.

Dont feel bad about feeling bad, everything you are experiencing is completely normal. It does take a long time to get over this kind of loss and being around pregnant ladies will really bring it all out.

There is a really good site about pregnancy loss that helped me tons, and this page is all about telling other people
www.pregnancyloss.info/dealing_with_others.htm#friends
and this one about dealing with pregnant women
www.pregnancyloss.info/feelings_you_have.htm#jealous

Also there are lots of very supportive people posting on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy loss section of MN. Although I am getting lots of support from friends and family, I find talking to people who have been through it so much more helpful

Hope the future brings you good things

xxxxx

Thank you all for responding - it's really nice to hear some rational and kind words on this, instead of the berating I've been doing to myself! It's shocking how many people it's happened to - and I suppose noone really thinks about it until it happens to them. I'd never considered that it was so common until it happened to me. I'm so sorry for your losses too.

I think I'm going to talk to my husband about it and read those webpages first, then think about where to go. Thank you for all the advice, and apologies for being so sorry for myself

Pippaandpolly and others, sorry to hear about the MCs. It's only natural to feel sad, and yes even jealous! Don't feel bad for feeling bad.

It's of course up to you whether to tell them. On the one hand, if I was the pregnant friend, I would hate to think I was upsetting you by being unwittingly insensitive to your loss (even though they don't know about it). Did they know you were trying in the first place? If so, then they might already be figuring out something is going on; but if they didn't they could well be baffled as to why you don't seem completely excited at their news?

On the other hand, we deliberately withheld news about a MC/Stillbirth from my sister at the end of last year. But the circumstances were different - a family friend in the UK lost her baby at about 28 weeks and no reason was found (she chose not to have a PM). My sister (who lives overseas) at the time was about 5 months pregnant, after 2 rounds of IVF, they had been trying for about 4 years already. Because we knew she wasn't going to bump into the friend that lost her baby, we chose not to tell her about it, as it was a worry she didn't need. But that was a different set of circumstances to yours, as this loss was at an unusually late stage (though I'm sure yours is equally as heartbreaking).

Whatever you decide I'm sure your friends will understand; they are your friends after all :)