What to say to friend who has just found out 3rd round of IVF hasn't worked?

[notasize10yetbutoneday]

My lovely, wonderful friend has been trying for a baby with her husband for over 10 years and has just found out that IVF hasn't worked for the 3rd time. I am so, so, so upset for them both, they would make the most amazing parents and I just don't know what to say or do to help.

I have sent a card saying Im always there, day or night, whenever she needs someone to talk to or cry to or shout at, but what else can I/should I be doing?

Nothing being there for her is all you can do. People deal with it in different ways I shut myself away and dealt with it on my own, I just didn't want to talk, not at first anyway.

Don't talk about adoption as and alternative people did that with me and it didn't help. I eventually became pregnant on my very last ICSI attempt.

You sound like a very understanding friend and wish you were mine. :)

Good luck to your friend.

Agree with Chuckeyegg. My first attempt at ICSI just failed (well it worked, but I had a m/c). To be honest, I don't want to talk to anyone about it.

The card would mean a lot. I would just see if she fancied going out for a drink/coffee (whatever you normally do) and leave it to her to mention it if she wants.

yy - def don't mention adoption.

I also wish you were my friend

And chuckey - lovely to hear a positive ICSI story

Thank you both- I really want to be a good friend to her as I just can't even imagine what she's going through- her and her husband are so amzingly strong.

Good point about adoption- I have mentioned that in the past so will definitely not bring it up again.

Im a newbie to the conception board- what is ICSI please- is it another word for IVF?

Labella, I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

My friend miscarried on her third and last cycle of IVF and she didn't want to talk about it for a whole year! She just blanked the entire thing out because it hurt so much. It was only much later she was able to and came to terms with their childlessness.

I would say, be there for her but don't expect any particular reaction, it's there but she may not feel ready to show her feelings for a while (or at all). :(

Thank you notasize - very frustrating to get so near...

ICSI is a kind of IVF - basically with IVF they put the sperm and eggs into the petri dish and let them get on with it. With ICSI they inject the sperm into the egg.

LaBella, sorry to read what happened to you. I was 37 when it finally worked. I got huge support from the forum Fertility Friends some lovely people going through exactly the same. I could talk to them where I couldn't to friends and family.

Hope that's okay plugging another forum. :)

Thanks Chuckey - I've lurked a bit on FF, but am tempted a bit more to throw myself in there. There is someone at work going through the same thing and I do find it hugely supportive to talk to her - as you say it is so much easier with people going through the same thing

Definately give FF a go it's so helpful and I was 39 not 37 when it worked! Always thinking I'm younger than I am! :)

Best of luck LaBella.

x

Thank you - will do. Am 38, so fingers crossed will follow in your path

Can I just ask? Why not mention adoption?

Because it's naive to assume that someone who has had failed fertility treatment

a) hasn't thought of this already
b) wants an adopted child instead of conceiving and carrying their own
c) wants any child at any cost
d) that it's an easy process
e) three tries doesn't mean it's Game Over for fertility treatment

Wanting a child - YOUR child is not just about becoming a mother - it's also about the process of conception and pregnancy - about wanting to experience that, and feel like any other woman. For what it's worth, I would have been happy to consider adoption, but I certainly didn't want someone else pointing out how hard it was for me to do what women are meant to do naturally, by suggesting adoption.
It's like that ghastly Carole McGiffen saying that women who can't have children should just get over it, and get a hobby/cat. We don't want a substitute, we want OUR OWN babies!

Great post, Holly, spot on.

Nothing, there's nought you can do but be there and listen.

I would just say, as you have, that I was so so sorry and to call if they wanted to talk it through.

I understand, Holly, but it is an option, and as a friend, isn?t it nice to be there for people and offer opinions about options?
I suppose it very much depends on the person, and their particular situation and feelings. I can see how it might be considered a bit insensitive for some people. Thanks

Kingnothing, of course it is fine to offer an opinion if, and only if, the person opens up the discussion themselves, and asks you for your thoughts on adoption as a possbility.

What is NOT fine is to say "have you thought of adoption?" when someone tells you they have failed IVF for a 3rd time - for all the reasons that Holly describes above.

You can't even consider adoption until you are totally through with trying to conceive. When we investigated the possibility we were told that we would have to use contraception.

If you friend initiates a discussion about adoption, then that is one thing, but definitely don't raise it as an option to someone in fertility treatment. It is up there with the "why don't you get a cat" level of twatishness.

Sorry everyone, I didn?t mean to upset or offend anyone. It?s just that my sister had 2 failed IVF attempts, and we discussed adoption at length - not in a ?have you considered adoption? kind of a way, but just as a ?Right, what options lie ahead of us? kind of way. My first question really was about the blanket ban on suggesting adoption- sometimes it could be a way of opening up more discussion, that?s all. My sister was certainly open to it, and it wasn?t in an insensitive kind of way. It was just support and general considerations rather than any attempt on my part to be patronising. Sorry if that didn?t come across the right way

Kingofnothing, I'm sure you didn't mean to offend. It's just that when on a fertility journey, you get offered so much advice and opinions - almost all of it well-meaning and yet often spectacularly inappropriate, misinformed or just plain nonsense!

My lovely, darling, very fertile friend suggested that we "just relax and let things happen" and for the first time in our 30 year friendship, I wanted to kick her head off her shoulders. And then there are those who say stuff like "Have you tried this magical potion? It's totally natural, just eye of newt and some snakeoil and it ALWAYS works!" And it's hard not to scream!

A neighbour of mine gently said "Well Holly, some people are just not meant to have children." I see! So all the pond scum who hurt and abuse their children - they WERE meant to have them? Shut UP, FFS!

And Zita West and her vitamin peddling holds a special place of deep hatred in my heart - utterly unregulated, unpublished nonsense, poorly audited and very expensive. But when you're desperate, you'll pay. A lot.

And my favorite: "Well, my sister-in-law's hairdresser's cousin, got pregnant just by working on till 23 at Asda Widnes - I'm telling you EVERYONE gets pregnant if they work on till 23." Is there sperm in the upholstery?

Anyway, this has turned into a rant, and that's not aimed at you at all, it's just the whole fertility thing is very emotional, often irrational, and therefore seemingly innocent and well meaning comments can make you want to batter someone.

I think you've done what you can. Just 'Sorry it didn't work. As a mate, I'm here.'

Adoption is not a consolation prize.

Adoption is not solely the domain of those who are infertile.

We'd love to adopt, and we are so fertile DH had to be sterilised we conceived too easily, but I get dire AND and PND and he has an apparently inherited form of dyspraxia, a learning disability.

I would never ever suggest this to someone who cannot conceive or carry a child to term.

Just be there, to listen, to whatever. That's what a mate does.