My Terrified DH needs help coming to terms with parenthood!

[leadbetter]

Hi there, This is my first post so forgive me if I get the acronyms wrong or something!
I wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

We are TTC for the first time, I'm 35 but DH is a couple of years younger. We both know we want to be parents someday but my DH is having a really hard time coming to terms with being a dad right now and really loves his life as it is.
Whenever he's told me of his worries about this previously I've said we can wait a couple more years (we've been married for 6) but this time he's actually asked me to convince him! I think he really just needs someone to confirm its going to be okay and get him excited and reassured about the prospect.
Has anyone else had similar situation?
I never wanted to try and persuade him to have kids right away as I wanted us both to want it equally so was willing to wait until he came around to the idea, but it seems he needs a little help to get there instead of my waiting patiently!!

Thanks for listening and any advice much appreciated!

Does he have friends with children? (At 33 I'd have thought he would?) I think the most likely way to reassure him is for him to speak to them and spend time with them - that way he can see that life doesn't end when you have children, and they can tell him it's all worth it (bribe them if you have to )

You say you wanted you to both want it equally. Now this is a bit of a sweeping generalisation on my part but I do think that it is usual for women to want it more. We have different hormones after all. Having a baby is, in many logical respects, a barmy thing to do and some would say the only reason we do it is because of those hormones! So, I wouldn't necessarily expect him to reach the same level of baby-enthusiasm that you do. As long as he does want a child, that's good enough.

Thanks so much Minipie! That is very reassuring to hear and great advice

TBH I think your age works against you here (not trying to be offensive) you are 35 - you cannot AFFORD to wait another couple of years! Even if you seriously start ttc now, you could be trying a couple of years.

I think the problem is that women have a finite number of years in which to reproduce. Men don't. You are reaching the point where it will be more difficult to conceive. If I were you I would sit down and point this out to him.

33 is quite old to be all Peter Pan 'Idon't want to be a grown up'. I'm pregnant with DC2. My DP will be 27 this month.

I really don't mean to be offensive about your age - I think it's just something your DH needs to take into account!

I don't think men really get their heads round it until the baby arrives, and then they are just head over heels in love!

My DH didn't want things to change, and of course knew they would, so was quite nervous. We agreed to work hard at making sure that we still did the things we particularly loved doing - holidays, eating out, day trips - but just adapted them around the baby a little bit (e.g. eat out more at lunchtimes, holidays are still to exotic places but with slightly less frantic agendas) and it has worked out well.

Spending time with others with children does help - DH got his head round it more as other friends of his were becoming parents in advance of us, and it made him realise they were still the same people (even if a bit more tired and frazzled!)

It is really difficult to imagine the pros of having a baby whereas you can all too easily imagine the downsides - you can understand the impact on your social life, your decreased energy levels, the worrying about nap times etc. but you just can't really imagine the joy of a baby to cuddle, or a toddler to run around with until it happens and then all the cons seem completely insignificant!

Leadbetter both me and my DH (I'm 31, he's 33) are a bit scared about the impact a baby will [hopefully!] have on our nice comfortable lives! We have just started TTC our first baby and have got out heads around it by asking ourselves a number of questions. Maybe they will help you and your DH:

• do we want to be together: answer - yes
• when we look forwards in time (i.e. to our

sixties), do we see ourselves as having lived our lives without ever having had children: answer - no

• do we have any guarantees that our fertility will last indefinitely or that we will conceieve immediately we try: no
• if we left it too late and ended up without ever having had children, would we regret it: yes

So on balance, we conculded that there's just never a 'right' time to do it, we just need to take the decision and get on with it.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

I think that (like wombat) I've slowly come round to the idea that having kids isn't the end of life as I know it!

I don't think there is a right time, so in that sense now is as good a time as any for me. We could easily put it off for a few years (I'm 29 and hb is 31) but I think I have realised that in a few years time it'll be exactly the same decision to make - life as it currently is versus the upheaval of having kids. Things don't fundamentally change because of a couple of years (unless, of course, you're not currently in a good position for kids). Putting off the decision to make in the future doesn't make it any easier then, and there's also the issue of getting older.