How do you cope?

[theteasonme]

I've just found out another friend of mine is pregnant and that she has text everyone except me. So now not only am I the last to know but I've also become that friend that no one can bear to share their news with

How the hell does anyone cope with this and all the seemingly inappropriate parenting (parents) when you're out shopping etc?

I've got my first consultation with fertility people next month for secondary infertility and I know I'm so, so lucky to have my DS but I can't help the feelings of desperation washing over me....

oh teason your time will come. In yet another weird coincidence I have also found out one of my friends is pregnant. One who I wasn't expecting to have children for at least another 4 or 5 years as she's always said she wasn't that interested. Even now at 3 months pregnant she's still not broody, just thought it was a sensible time to get pregnant. Came as a real shock.

But...you just have to think what if you did get pregnant next month? Or even next year? You'll be so wrapped up in your own pregnancy and baby that you won't be thinking about how all those people who got pregnant before you. Fwiw I don't think you have any fertility issues I think you have long cycles so you ovulate less frequently but you still have as good a chance as anyone does. You've still got a few more cycles before you've officially gone past the 'average' of a year, so statistically you're coming up to your turn soon.

Its crap isnt it theteasonme ?
Three of my friends are due within weeks of each other and two concieved "by suprise".
The worst is when people say "your turn soon". We have a couple wo are our friends and every time we visited one of them would say- are you pregnant yet then? They thought they were being humerous (I know I have spelled that wrong) or even kind I think but to be honest we rarely visit them now because I found it so upsetting. And because I dont share this information to everyone that we are desperate for a baby the dont realise it is upsetting me. And I dont want to go through it with them because I will just get upset.
It is a compliment in a way that they dont tell you because they are being (in there own way that I totaly understand is upsetting to you) caring. Or they simply havent told everyone it just feels like it.
You have got hope still and fingers crossed fertility specialist will help you out.... and when you are feeling down go and give your gorgeous son a cuddle and hold him tight.

Not sure I do cope really. At least you have been referred my gp thinks its stress related and doesn't want to refer us.

How do you cope? I've been trying three years.

You smile sweetly, make the requisite squeally, gooey noises and smile more... then go and hide in the loos for a good cry.

Oh theteasonme - my heart goes out to you and know exactly how you feel. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and due to see consultant next week about starting ivf. I have a lot of pregnant friends at the moment, and it is hard, when you try and explain to them that you're having a difficult time etc, they all say well at least you've got your darling son, and I know we are so so lucky, and he's the most precious thing in our lives, but it still hurts like hell and we are desperate for a sibling for him.

I think the bottom line is that people who haven't had fertility problems can't really begin to understand how hard it is, and people have even more problems understanding how people with secondary infertility feel. I'm sure your friends weren't meaning to be unkind, just probably didn't know what to do. I've had friends who haven't told us directly as didn't want to upset us so we found out second hand, we've had another who did the big announcement plus details on where baby conceived, doing the pregnancy test, the whole thing !!! The another who has been so sweet and knew it would be difficult for us to hear and did understand (she has been about the only one)

My main coping mechanism at the moment is to limit the time I spend with the friends that I don't feel comfortable being around, and I know this isn't the answer long term but if it helps get through the next few weeks / months and they are true friends they will understand.

I really hope your appointment goes well and you are able to get some help conceiving.

Good luck

Thanks so much for your replies ladies, I really appreciate it. I do have high hopes that this will happen for us but it's all the other bumps and babies that pass us by in the mean time...

Ah well, just got to hope this will be our month eh?

Good luck to any of you in the same boat

I went and visited my sister at the weekend and found out that she is having her third! She seems to just have to glance at her DP and she gets pregnant.

Her DP then proceeded to ask when was I planning on having babies. I just told them that we were energetically practicing but not everyone was as swift as them at it. Needless to say that shut them up.

I did have to go and have a little cry a bit later though. I console myself with the knowledge that we have a much better sex life...so there!

I do try not to take it personally but I think the problem is that people who have managed it really easily just assume that it is that easy for everyone. And since everyone else in both mine and DPs families seem to be excessivly fertile and get pregnant really, really quickly they have a bit of a hard time realising that we might be taking a bit longer.

www.resolve.org/support-and-services/Managing-Infertility-Stress/emotional-aspects.html this is a good website.

Thank god I have found this thread. I am finding it so hard to cope with all my friends who are pregnant or have just had their 2nd baby. I feel utterly crap for not being able to be 100% happy for them.. I know it's not right but I can't help but feel ridiculously jealous. I feel so ashamed about it!
Anyway, my story.. I have a DS of 3.5 and desperate for DC #2. I had the copper coil (eww!) for 2.5 and whilst I had it in, my periods became very erratic and I often bled for weeks on end. Had it out on docs advice and also because we wanted number 2. It has only been 3 months but feels like a life time.. however, the reason why I feel crap is because my period has gone AWOL since March of this year. I have done many ovulation sticks and have not had a positive, so this suggests I am not ovulating I plan to go to the docs at the end of next month but I was wondering whether they will just send me away or do you think they will test me? Feeling crap so any help will do
Good luck to you all, I hope we can all find ways to cope

And does anyone else feel that pregnant women just jump put at you (not literally...!) I can go into a supermarket and its like I attract all of them! I think I am just borderline obsessional.. I often wander back into Mothercare just to look at the baby products (I type whilst in floods of tears) I know it is incredibly selfish of me to sit here and whine because I do have the most gorgeous DS and I am so so lucky to have him but I just cannot shake this feeling.

I just found out my oh so perfect sister in law is pregnant. She's obnoxious and unbearably self centred anyway - so somehow, I'm NOT going at Xmas to play happy families with her lording it up as the glorious mother to be... two months before the baby I miscarried would have been due.

I wouldn't say it's coping - but not going out anywhere I might be confronted with children and babies unless completely unavoidable, and cutting myself off from any potential sources of upset is how I cope - at the moment that includes my mother in law whose phonecalls I've ignored three times so far today... well what am I going to say?!I'm overjoyed and not ripped to shreds inside? (She knows I miscarried).

You don't cope with it - you just exist. Friend of mine who never beat infertility says it's equally as hard, if not harder when you rise through the child years and become the grandparent generation.

This is a world designed for a domestic unit of adult(s)+kid(s)... if you're not then you don't belong and you'll always be second-class. People, generally those with kids who always have pat excuses and those delightful "ideas to help with infertility", will tell you you're being bitter and twisted and to find joy in being an auntie or whatever - generally they spin that line to get you to be an endless babysitter they can throw the odd morsel of babypowder at - but the hurt is real, it's not at all less valid than anything the mummy crew feel and if being angry at the world is what gives you the strength to get out of bed in the morning (it is in my case) - so be it.