Got some sad news today and want to help

[sleepychunky]

My little brother and his lovely wife told us today that there is a very slim chance of them conceiving naturally. She has PCOS and he has got a very low sperm count (6million per cl instead of 20 million I think) and only 7% of those are "proper" ones (sorry if the terminology is all wrong). Apparently the only option open to them is ICSI and I wondered if anybody could give me some good stories about it, or any advice for them. They are still both very young (25 and 24) but have been trying for 2 years already.
I am fortunate to have 2 lovely DCs of my own so I really can't say I know how they feel, but I feel as though I ought to do something so I was hoping for some good stories I might be able to pass on. Can anybody help?
Sorry if this is in the wrong place but I hope there might be someone out there with some positive experiences. DB and his wife are very upset by this news, understandably, and I would love to give them some hope that they may be able to have their own child one day.
Thanks

Hi there,

I think it's lovely that you're looking for advice/stories to help them and that you're so concerned and want to help. My story is not quite the same but after 2 1/2 yrs of unexplained infertility we were referred for IVF. We had to accept that our chances of conceiving naturally were almost none, though there was no reason for it. I expect that like us they will be grieving for the natural conception they will never have and that's natural and totally to be expected. They might want to grieve first before looking to the next step - let them do so.

Secondly as much as you want to help with positive stories it can be a bit much to keep hearing about other people's good fortune - I found myself either thinking "yeah, great, ok it worked for them - lucky them" (on a good day) to "aaarrrghhhh not another bloody 'miracle' story - that'll never happen for me - in fact I'll probably never have a child" (on a not-so-good day)

I hope that doesn't sound too negative - I don't mean to discourage you from supporting them at all - just sometimes stories of 'a friend' who got the miracle you are desperately hoping for is not all that helpful.

What I'd suggest is helpful is to find out as much as you can about the process, the different stages of ICSI etc and then when/if they want to talk to you about it (always take your lead from them) be informed and interested and just support them. Pay particluar attention to dates of appointments/scans etc (if you are told of them) and make sure you know what each stage 'means' to the process.

Of course that's only based on what I found supportive - not everyone is the same so if you feel they are the sort of people who want positive stories give them positive stories. I just found it terribly wearing to have to keep smiling and be pleased for the lucky ones.

Best of luck to you and to them x

Having said all that I think they will have a decent chance of a baby through ICSI - have a look at www.hfea.gov.uk for the official stats and details.

Thanks, that's really helpful. I completely see what you mean about not telling them about all the successes I might come across. I will look into the actual ICSI process more so I know what happens at each stage. They have an appointment in London in September so I guess that's the first stage.
It's really nice of you to reply and give me an idea of how I can be supportive.
Best of luck to you too - I noticed you're on the November thread (my DS2 was born last November) so huge congratulations!

They're very lucky to have such a supportive sister/-in-law

I didn't want to mention my eventual success as it seemed odd to give you all that advice and then say "of course now I'm one of the success stories...." (on our 2nd IVF cycle) but thank you for your congrtaulations. It's also worth bearing in mind that it takes on average 3 cycles of IVF/ICSI to acheive a pregnancy.

If you want any more support/inside info feel free to hunt me down on here or PM me.

I think it is lovely that you are trying to do the best by your brother and sil. But I agree with nomoremagnolia in that as someone who has had trouble getting pregnant and has resorted to IVF there is nothing more frustrating than someone telling you about other peoples positive stories...they are you and it doesn't matter to you. I think that the website resolve www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html has some very good advice about how they will be feeling.

I would also add - let them know you are there but as mentioned above "follow their lead" I prefer to offer information about treatment in my own time rather than be asked about it.

Good luck to all of you.

afterivf That's a great article - so true! I only wish I'd known of it 3 years ago when everyone was telling me to 'relax' and I just wanted to scream that 18 months of relaxing had got me nowhere, and neither had the drugs I'd been given to make me ovulate. And the less said about the 'offers' of "borrow my DH, he just has to look at me and I'm pg" the better...I getting just remembering.

I my story is nearly exactly the same! I have pcos and my hubby has low sperm count. We had ICSI after 5 years of trying and I now have beautiul 16 month old boy/girl twins! Please let your sister no there is hope. It may not always be an easy ride but there are options out there. Can I recommend a brilliant website that helped when i was going though treatement and for info.
www.fertilityfriends.co.uk

Hope this helps, And tell her good luck and wishes!

Thanks both of you. I will look at that link and take my lead from them. I really appreciate your advice, and will definitely not be offering DH to anybody!

Afterivf that is a great article (I have a 4 month old conceived after ICSI). It describes the grief and the bloody "just relax" comments so well. I find that now that we have our baby we are bombarded with stories of "miracle" conceptions after IVF...as though we weren't treated for a medical cause of infertility [sigh].

Sleepy I second everything nomore has said. And everything in the article afterivf linked to. They're lucky to have your support and concern and I really hope they're successful in their treatment.

Nomore hope you're having a good pregnancy . I used to post as Caitni, so saw you around and about the conception boards over the years, and I was very happy to see you were successful.

As I have now found a few IVF/ICSI success stories (!).....I wanted to ask how you felt during pregnancy. I am currently 8 weeks pregnant (for the first time) and we saw the heart beat on the scan last week which was wonderful. However since then I cannot get out of my mind that the baby is going to die inside me and that I will be told when I go for my next scan. I am (UN)lucky in that I don't have very many signs of being pregnant....I am not being sick (perhaps a bit picky about what I eat) and I certainly am not showing the way that some of the ladies due around the same time as me say they are. The feeling a bit sick has also eased off over the last few days as well....

What did you do to help you try and relax and enjoy the pregancy that has been so longed for and waited for for such a long time? and not drive your DH/DP mad with your worry?!

I will appreciate your thoughts....

Afterivf crikey, you brought me right back to the early weeks of my pregnancy! I also didn't have morning sickness (and really wished I had!) and, apart from going right off tomatoes, everything seemed pretty much the same for the first trimester. Although I was very tired in those early weeks...

But I was so convinced that I was going to lose the baby - it was irrational really...I remember going away for a wedding at 9 weeks and I snuck off in Stansted to buy super absorbent pads as I was so convinced that it would happen while we were away. This was after a lovely scan at 7 weeks with a strong heartbeat. Then DH insisted on another scan at 10 weeks as he was so worried about me and my anxiety (so by the time we had our NHS scan at 13 weeks our baby must have been sick of the ultrasound ).

I can only put it down to trying for so long and going through so much to get pregnant. Although my sister (two natural conceptions and healthy pregnancies) said she was the same when I talked to her about it. And then I mentioned it to my mum and she said she was the same. So I think it's a fairly common response despite the fertility treatment!

What really helped me was hypnobirthing - we did a course at about 28/29 weeks and it was great, as we did relaxation and visualisation exercises every night and it was when I really relaxed into the pregnancy. And my DH got a lot out of it too in terms of learning to relax (with regards to work stuff mostly).

Don't worry about not showing - 8 weeks is so early for things like that and trust me, you'll have a lovely big bump with a baby kicking away inside you before you know it.

OK, ramble over (sorry for hijack OP!) as my son is getting narky (and I heard some ferocious farts so reckon a nappy change is in order ).

afterivf I felt/feel the same way, I was convinced I was going to lose the baby every day, I was so certain I was going to lose the baby (at around 8/9 weeks pg) on Mothering Sunday - for no reason other than during the 4 years of not getting pg Mothering Sunday was hard for me - and I actualy cried with relief on the evening of that day as I had 'survived' the day We had a six week scan (saw hb) and an 8 week scan at the IVF clinic and was convinced at the first they'd say it was a phantom pg and at the 8 week one that I'd lost it. I was on the misscarriage association website looking up m/c rates at each week of gestation and counting it as a milestone to get to 10 weeks when the m/c rate drops below 1%. Even then I struggled so much to believe it that we paid for a private 10 week scan, and then I had the standard 13 week NHS one too. Even now (at 26 weeks) I am looking up the survival rates for premature birth and each week that goes by I am thinking that it's another step closer to actually having a baby at the end of this. I think it might be because the only was I could handle IVF was to think of it as a series of small steps/stages and each stage we 'passed' was to be celebrated. I'm not able to think that a positive pg test = baby in 8 months - somehow I don't believe it's that simple or that I'm that lucky. I think there's also something in the back of your mind when you've had fertility treatment that 'having another go' is a very big and expensive deal. I don't think there is anything you can do to stop worrying, but I find sharing it with DH was good for both of us - most days one of us is feeling more confident and is able to 'buoy' the other along. I find comfort in stats and odds - the miscarriage rates/prem birth survival rates - everytime we pass a milestone there I feel a little more confident but I still worry a lot about it not working out ok. I didn't have any pg symptoms early on either and found it more of a worry than a blessing as I wanted all the reassurance I could get that things were 'normal'.
Caitni/Flip - huge congratulations on your DS by the way

Nomore gosh, I've remembered that I was the same re the premature birth survival rates etc. Getting to 24 weeks was a big deal and then 30 weeks and so on. So convinced was I that I would go early that I had everything ready for the birth far sooner than any of my NCT friends (in the end I went to 42 weeks!). I also spent a lot of time checking the miscarriage rates per week in the first 10 weeks - DH even found research about miscarriage rates versus the strength of the heartbeat at 7 weeks.

The good news is that you do honestly start to forget this stuff once your baby arrives (probably because of sleep deprivation!). Although I do keep track of DS's weekly age far more than I probably should (he's 18 weeks). Tuesdays have such significance for me now - I had egg collection on Tues 9th June 09 and DS was born Tues 16 March so I've spent the last 13 months plus marking each Tues week-by-week...

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy nomore

Thank you all. It means a great deal to me to learn that others have felt/do feel the same way. P.S. I have already booked in for a private reassurance scan that will be in 10 days time so that I don't have to wait until the 13 week NHS scan.....

afterivf Have you had you scan? How was it? Hoping everything's as it should be. x

Hi ya,

Can I say that I have PCOS but DH is fine in his department. We've been trying for 2 1/2 years. We've tried clomid but was unsuccessful. We are currently waiting for my BMI to get down to 29 to get IVF. Thats the hardest part as PCOS causes me to stack on the weight.

Your brother & sister-in-law shouldn't give up hope. My bible is PCOS for Dummies. They should be entitle to 2 or 3 free cycles of IVF depending on where they live & being young they have time on their side (as in IVF & other assisted help stops by the time you're 40 so there's time to resrch and save up money as it's expensive).

Best wishes to them

x