exhausted, frequently in pain and awaiting biopsy results...terrified!

[flyingumbrellas]

Hi everyone,

I'm messaging because I just don't know what to do and am in immense anxiety because of it.

So in January I was ill with a chest infection that caused other symptoms that led to me going to A and E and incidentally discovering that I have a massive growth on my pancreas. I get my biopsy results this week, so far all indications are that it's benign but until the biopsy is confirmed I'm terrified and even if that's the case it is highly likely I'll need major abdominal surgery due to the size of the cyst. I have already been signed off for a month and just had that sick leave extended for a couple of weeks. I feel very guilty as I feel I'm letting my work down and my manager has been ignoring my messages. But on an emotional level I can't cope with work on top of this as I am already emotionally fragile after losing both parents, my dear Mother passed away at the start of the pandemic. I also feel tired very easily. Sometimes I'm in a lot of pain too. I'm just fed up of waiting for results. I feel unable to cope, this cyst discovery is like the straw that broke the camel's back.

There's a strong likelihood that the doctors will decide to do major history regardless of biopsy results, so I have rushed to finally clear my parents old house, as the stress of that was crushing me and it's been done with the help of a great builder.

I feel toppled by everything and today I just feel tired, weak, headachey and so stressed.

I feel heartbroken my parents aren't here, guilty I didn't do enough to help them, angry at myself that I can't work, upset I have this pancreas thing, useless and angry that I'm so overweight too...I can't be a good Mum while this is going on, or a good wife. I'm lucky, hubby is very supportive but he is also unwell and I can't help but feel terrible that I'm stressing him and our LO out. But I now feel like I'm dossing and useless and making all my problems up in my own head. Sorry to be so miserable. I'm just feeling utterly broken right now and don't know what to do.

[Akire]

Hi first of all you are not useless. You have a serious health issue and waiting for results you are bound to feel stressed out and concerned while going through all the what ifs in your heart. Sounds like emotions all grieve and practical issues have really taken their toll it’s no wonder you feel have nothing left in the tank for yourself.

Try not worry about work, it’s just work. People get sick and are off all the time. It’s inconvenient for work but that’s tough that’s life.

If your partner also has health issue come up with plan of what the bare mim you need to get through the day. Nobody needs to be a perfect mum and partner. Letting go of worrying that you haven’t done loads of activities or your house isn’t perfect. Allow yourself space to just live in moment.

Have you tried ringing up a charity that deals with pancreas? Or looked for health boards that deal with the conditions. Hang in there hopefully once you know what the plan is you feel more in control. Hopefully someone else will be alone with some more advice

[PerseverancePays]

Just sending you a big ol' hug. What a lot to deal with and a pile of grief on top. Please don't beat yourself up too. Would you speak to your best friend like this if she was going through similar. Of course not.
One day at a time, this too shall pass.

[flyingumbrellas]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your kind messages xx Hubby and I are lucky as we live with very supportive neighbours who are like family and my in laws are all wonderful too. They've already said they'll help with our LO (who isn't little anymore, which definitely helps, I'm just so used to calling her little hehe) and support DH as much as possible. My manager eventually responded sympathetically and kindly, which I am grateful for. So I no longer feel pressured about work. Tomorrow I get biopsy results from a member of the surgical team. I'm utterly terrified. One consultant put me in touch with Macmillan nurses, who've been very helpful. Unfortunately though the type of cyst I have is very rare and very large, so everyone thus far has been very perplexed by it.

[Akire]

That’s a good up date to hear I’m glad you feel more supportive. Fingers crossed for good news tomorrow.