Wits end with dh and chronic neck pain/headaches

[ForeverbyJudyBlume]

Dh has always suffered from neck pain and headaches - when he's having an attack life is miserable for him and everyone around in.

Since the beginning of this term the attacks seem to be more or less non-stop. It is impacting us a family horribly, he is always in a filthy mood and biting the kids' heads off, we can rarely do anything as a family - for example twice we've been going round to friends' houses and I've had to go alone. On holiday, it is a given that he will have neck pain for the first two days and lie in bed moaning. He is awake half the night groaning and thrashing about, which keeps me awake too. Last night about 5am I started crying saying I couldn't cope with being so worried about him all the time and I get it in the neck as being unsupportive.

Over the years he's tried acupuncture/chiropractors/osteopaths/pilates/yoga/swimming. He's had an MRI - zilch. He's adamant none of them work or work for long. He sees a massage guy regularly who helps a bit but saw him this Saturday and it seemed to have no effect. I've made an appointment with the GP for this week but don't hold out much hope. I think he needs to see a therapist and a lot of this is based on childhood trauma and a total inability to deal with stress, he mutters that yes he will but then when I press him on it he yells at me to stop nagging him.

I am at the end of my tether with exhaustion and anxiety. I love dh but if it carries on this way I am going to have to leave to save myself and the dc. Any advice on where to take this would be welcome

If the pain comes on as a response to stress then it sounds like the muscles are tensing.

He needs methods for dealing with stress that don't turn his neck muscles to concrete.

@Oftenithinkaboutit

You need a consultant So either referred or nhs

But a consultant for what exactly?

@Strangevipers

every day even when it is not hurting so the following ;

New pillow

New mattress

Hypnotherapy

Humidifier

Incense

Lavender under pillow

Bath/ jacuzzi

Swimming

Gentle massage

Rub on ibruprofen

Buy a posture corrector

Do not sit for long periods

Pain medication

Change posteriors

A suitable char for work and sitting

Correct footwear and wear them properly have a look online

Do not twist to get up or move and use knees to bend

Thank you - he tries a lot of this stuff already, our house is like a museum of neck gadgets and he fully understands about posture etc - this has been going on for 20 years. But it's very useful to have it all listed here and check off. I want to know exactly what he needs to ask the GP for when he goes ... i'm happy to pay for therapy to be private just to get to the end of this nightmare

Physio therapist

Or

www.thelondonheadandneckclinic.co.uk

Orthopaedic consultant

Another vote for the curable app. I have suffered debilitating headaches for the best part of twenty years - 6 months of using the app and whilst not pain free, the pain is much reduced. It is all based on science. My pain has severely affected our family life in a similar way by the sound of it.

I too had what you can describe as a grim childhood, and firmly believe trauma and therefore my stress response is the root cause of my pain, it can be a huge concept to get your head around when you've grown up with the medical model - but like many - I was desperate and thought why not - let's give this a go.

A book recommendation would be "the way out" by Alan Gordon - a really readable book with up to date pain science. Whilst the pain many of us and your husband experience is very, VERY real, many people have found some relief learning how to "rewire the brain" and turn off stuck pain signals. Hope this is helpful in some way.

I have a similar issue. I had an MRI that did show something (bulging discs). But I was also getting loads of “headaches”. GP referred me to neurology, I actually saw a lot in GP. Basically I was actually having migraines not headaches. It was a bit of a chicken/egg with the neck pain and migraines and taking painkillers a lot can cause bounce back headaches. They started me on Amitriptyline at night which manages the neck pain and reduces the frequency and severity of my migraines. It is also sedating so I sleep better. I had some physio to improve my posture which helped and also some talking therapy (tension is often held in the neck). I would suggest he ask the GP to do a neurology referral personally.

From what you say, this sounds like repressed emotions from childhood. It's actually safer for this to come out in the defence mechanism of chronic pain than to be conscious. As Nicole Sachs (who I really recommend her podcast if he would listen to that?) says: "it's being safe in the unsafest way" - he's not exposed to the pain of the trauma, but he can't live life either. Nicole Sachs was 'taught' by Dr Sarno - I find her way of explaining it all a bit less daunting than John Sarno.

I'm still on my journey! But the biggest shift came when I started to realise that the chronic pain was exactly about masking emotions - things that were too painful to experience at the time. It's shit and bad enough that someone has a crap childhood, let alone that it comes out again in such a horrendous way. But facing it is key to alleviating the pain.

But therapy alone won't make any difference if he doesn't get this connection (although therapy might help him see the connection). In my experience of managing chronic pain, it's a very complex journey.

I work on the theory of marginal gains. I do small things, repeatedly, to improve my health and wellbeing and manage my pain (this is coming from someone who was wheelchair bound). The thigns i can do now are remarkable compared to before, but they happened gradually. But it is possible. I came off all my prescription meds as a result (including off amitriptyline and duloxetine) and I'm still in less pain than when I was on them. I've got a therapist alongside me, but it's not the therapy as such that has alleviated the pain, although having her support and understanding of the situation has been invaluable.

I really recommend the book Freedom From Pain by Peter Levine and Maggie Phillips. The podcast by Nicole Sachs, The Cure for Chronic Pain, and Curable.

But I can see you've got an uphill battle until he's open-minded enough to embrace change. Remember, things may be shit for him at the moment, but the physical pain is actually less scary than confronting the emotional pain that's causing it. It is really scary to confront.

I don’t think you have even remotely exhausted the medical route

An mri and that’s it? You need other scans and orthopaedic and neurology involvement

After that’s exhausted

Then I’d go down the therapy route

It’s madness that he’s worried about getting addicted to painkillers but doesn’t see anything wrong with destroying his family’s life … I hate this whole media thing about painkiller addiction. Yes some people do get addicted but for those with chronic pain they are life giving and life changing, and for people like me the possibility of addiction is a real non event. Of course they should be used alongside other therapies and investigations but he’s crazy just to write off stronger pain relief.

Thank you - it's so hard because if I show him this thread he'd go nuclear I was discussing it with a bunch of strangers but I agree more/better painkillers is a start - then the doc needs to make some referrals

Pain or no pain, he needs therapy because he is unable to cope with stress at all, he's like a big baby in many situations, the pain makes it worse :(

I think there's an app called Curable that is specifically for chronic pain and claims a high success rate. Might be worth a look?

I came on to say curable app, but think I maybe the 4th or 5th to recommend it. Which is amazing as I always feel a bit odd recommended an app, but I have a chronic condition called endometriosis which flares up and causes a panic response and I get myself into a loop of pain thoughts. It sounds exactly like he is doing and it's miserable being in pain all the time, but now I rarely talk about my condition, I don't define myself with it, I've learnt to tone down the panic and the pain.

It's real his pain is real but the app teaches you how to control it, control your life around it and to change your whole mindset to the pain.

Also as a plan B, could you see if you have anyone who practices Hendrickson physio. It's very gentle and highly effective for neck pain.

But as he maybe knows neck pain generally is caused by back issues and posture.

Thanks again for all your advice, dh did some breathing exercises before bed last night and slept much better. I've written down many of your suggestions for him to discuss with the GP and hopefully get a referral, also will get him to download Curable

I have had fantastic results from amitriptyline for chronic pain syndrome. It is well worth a try if he hasn't tried it already. A referral to a pain clinic is what is needed urgently.

I would also recommend a biomechanical assessment by a foot specialist. It sounds mad, but so much spinal pain comes from things like flat feet.

Anti-inflammatories like
Naproxen don't help?

curlyLJ is Curable a free app? I really struggle with neck/ shoulder/ back pain

It might have been coincidental but my chronic neck and back pain went away after having therapy for childhood trauma.

It's really hard to be with someone who is often poorly - I know, my DH suffers from health problems too which are quite serious. It's hard. You worry about them, and it's also hard not to feel what you are missing out on and what you could be doing if only he wasn't ill.

You sound really resentful of him though, and I think it's important to remember that he isn't actually choosing this. I'm sure he would rather be healthy and well, it sounds really unpleasant for him.

Perhaps you could both be doing a bit more - he needs to recognise the impact, take up offers of support and do what he can to help himself; but also maybe you could be more understanding and lower some of your expectations. Your husband is who he is and this doesn't sound like it's going to disappear.

If it really isn't working for you then I guess you need to think about leaving the relationship, but that seems really drastic if you love him :( Lots of people have health issues that they have to manage and live with.

What exercise does he do?

And yes therapy sounds like a good idea, for him but maybe also for you. Have you considered couple's therapy? It doesn't have to be about breaking up, it can be about finding ways through this together and strengthening your relationship.

I have chronic neck pain too. Amitriptyline and exercises from the physio have helped. One thing I have noticed is that as well as being stressed, being constipated also makes mine considerably worse.

Naproxen doesn't help much

He's doing exercises as recommended in the past by a physio - they do help when he does them regularly

I may not sound very understanding but I am sometimes at my wits' end, having tried everything to help him. However, he is trying hard and I've made him a GP appt for tomorrow and written down some of the points on here, which he should ask about. Have also found a private pain management specialist who comes highly recommended and will talk to dh tonight about making an appointment to see him.

I wonder could he have occipital neuralgia. I suffered like him for years and it wasn't until this year that the cause was identified, doesn't show up on scans usually. You can actually get injections into the nerve that stop the pain long term. Might be worth him asking his gp about it.