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Chronic pain

CHRONIC PAIN does your partner support you?

10 replies

Dizzywizz · 21/03/2021 10:20

I get really bad nerve pain with my ms, and the last few days it has really flared up due to my meds being reduced as they were causing hallucinations. ATM I’m finding my Dh just not being supportive, and getting huffy if I can’t help him with diy etc!

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DuckWithOneWing · 21/03/2021 20:50

My partner is great, but I can tell he doesn't really understand. Sometimes I can do certain things and other times I can't. I can also do some things, but there are similar things I can't do. I think part of it is that other people can't fully understand how you feel because they haven't experienced it - even if they've had ongoing pain with something like toothache it's different because that will eventually be cured.

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year5teacher · 21/03/2021 21:27

Yeah but he doesn’t really get it. He asked me yesterday if I’m always in pain, and I don’t think he understands that if I say I am in pain it means I REALLY am.
He’s very helpful, supportive with the GP appointments etc but I do wonder if there’s a part of him that thinks I’m exaggerating.

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Dizzywizz · 22/03/2021 20:00

Yeah @DuckWithOneWing I am the same, I think it must be hard for Dh where some days I can do something the next I can’t...and @year5teacher I def worry he thinks I am exaggerating. In a way it has helped that he now has a minor condition that is ongoing, and some days worse than others. But recently I have started taking myself off to bed at the weekends so I get to properly rest, whereas when I am on my own on my day off I will rest for a bit then do something, then repeat.

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Worrysaboutalot · 22/03/2021 20:07

My DH is brilliant. He acknowledges my pain but is very matter of fact about things, which help me stay positive and less maudlin.

I couldn't have coped with being ill, our children and the house. Well, I didn't I fell to pieces and he did everything.

I am trying to do as much as I can but between the pain and tiredness, it isn't much. But I am trying my best.

I hope DH continues to be supportive.

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MedusasBadHairDay · 22/03/2021 20:08

It's hit and miss. Some days he's great, some days he gets moody because I can't do what he wants me to do, some days he tries to one up me with how tired/ how much pain he's in (which will be from working a physical job, not from a pain condition).

It's caused arguments before, but he's also my biggest defender if others aren't taking my pain seriously.

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InMySpareTime · 16/05/2021 06:54

My DH is great, he knows from my face if I'm having a bad pain day, and is genuinely pleased for me when I achieve a small goal like finishing some sewing or planting some seeds.
If I think what's for dinner he's happy to make it (he's not so good at meal ideas).
I don't drive but he'll drive me wherever I need to go, and he'll drop me at the stop if I'm getting public transport into town, to save my energy for the shops.
He's a goodun, I'll definitely keep him

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LunaAndHer3Stars · 24/05/2021 10:49

No he's not.

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Dizzywizz · 24/05/2021 11:53

That’s a shame @LunaAndHer3Stars - has this always been the case?

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LunaAndHer3Stars · 24/05/2021 12:13

I don't know, might sound strange but I really don't. I always thought he was, but when I've thought back on it, besides being sole provider he really didn't need to deal with it much.
Before we had DC I managed things so they didn't impact him. Post DC I couldn't do that and he's certainly made it very clear he doesn't care about it now.

Easiest example is travel, which is really painful for me. I got a lot worse after our youngest was born. When he was 2 DH was really desperate to go on holidays, I told him very clearly that it would cause me a lot of pain and I wouldn't be able to do much than just be there. He said he was happy with that, he was happy to do the driving just wanted family time together. A week after we got back, when I should have been in bed we had a family outing and he got in the passenger seat, I thought his back was playing up, so I drove even though it was horribly painful. I asked him if he was okay, turned out nothing was wrong, he was taking a break from driving because I didn't give him a break from it on holidays. I went through so much pain so he could have a holiday and that was his response.

Our marriage has been over for a while now. But since a couple of outbursts 2 years ago our eldest has a lot of anxiety around being with him when I'm not there, so been stuck in a really bad place.

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LunaAndHer3Stars · 24/05/2021 12:46

There was a lot of love there, once upon a time. We've been together over 20 years, our whole adult lives. Love isn't always enough.

@Dizzywizz would he listen if you tell him how you're feeling? I statements are supposed to be good at getting your point across in a way that doesn't make the other person feel defensive, as in "I feel X, when you do Y because..." Example "“I feel very sad when I hear rude words because they hurt my feelings."