If you can be bothered reading all this - thanks, and please vote for one of my options.

[lilibet]

The facts

We have hosted Christmas every year and an invite from Mil (64) is very unlikely.
My mum is almost 83 and couldn?t host it; she also eats breakfast at 7!
I am an only child and mum is a widow, she spends all day with us at Christmas
We go to church on Christmas morning ? this is non-negotiable.
We see friends after church ? this is also non negotiable.
We will get home from the above at about 1.30.
Usually, after we have had a light lunch at 1.30, we start preparing/cooking at a leisurely pace with a drink or two and normally eat at about 6/6.30.
I work on Christmas Eve.
Pil?s insist on seeing us on Christmas Day and dh does like to see them too. We will however have seen them on the 23rd which is dh's birthday.
Dh and I are veggies but cook turkey for everyone else.
Bil lives with his parents and gets his 3 boys at 6pm; they will have eaten their meal with their mum.
Communication is ?difficult? ? i.e., we couldn?t say ? ?you?re not coming? to Bil, or ?can we come to you? to Mil.
There are ?ishoos? between me and dh and Bil
We are broke!

Option one ? eat at the usual time and invite Pil?s and Bil/girlfriend/boys.
Advantages - normal routine for us, no rush or hassle preparing,
Disadvantages ? 3 boys (12, 8 and 2) let loose in the rest of the house while we eat. (They aren't going to sit at a table for two hours when they have done that all afternoon!)

Option two ? eat at 4, invite as above!
Advantages ? we don?t have boys running round the house while we eat.
Disadvantages ? it will be a rush getting everything ready, mum needs lunch, so she wouldn?t be hungry at 4, neither would the dc?s as they will have eaten lunch at 1.30 too.

Option three ? Don?t ask il?s for food, just invite Pil?s/Bil/girlfriend to visit in the afternoon.
Advantages - cost, less hassle
Disadvantages ? if we aren?t cooking for them, they will want their meal in the afternoon to have it over and done with for when Bil gets his boys. If we don?t ask them for food there will probably be sulks!

Option four ? Don?t ask il?s for food, invite them for a drink at night after we have eaten, 8 ish?
Advantages ? cost , less hassle
Disadvantages, Bil?s boys will only have been there an hour and they will be opening presents etc and won?t want to come straight out, and as youngest is only two, he will be going to bed, Pil?s won?t want to leave the boys. Sulking as above!

Option five - runaway!!!!

(we are also doing a buffet for everyone next Saturday as it?s dd?s 21st!)

aaargh - I've cut and pasted it from a word document as I'm at work and it's thrown ? in everywhere!!

option 6!!! get assertive and design an schedule that will suit you best. Let everyone know that this is what is convenient by saying ?we?d love to see you on Christmas day, as you know we have our church commitment, we need to cook and we are tight on funds this year, would you like to arrive at ?dah? time we can then we have a cold evening tea or other etc.? If they say no, we would not, reply with ?well, that makes it very tricky for us, as you know we have our church commitments and we need to cook for everyone and funds are tight this year so ?dah? time really is best for us (repeat very pleasantly until the message gets home?) As for sulks, ignore them, I don?t get how you can just invite yourself to Christmas dinner and then sulk if the vegetarian couple (who will cook a turkey even thought they won?t eat it themselves) and who are tight on funds politely decline..

A few things to consider here, you are vegetarian so you cook a turkey for everyone anyway, blooming heck, I?d say you all ready put yourself out, you are the host so you get to organise the day. Plus if communication is a problem, sort it out and get assertive or you will have a nightmare on your hands year in year out (oh, and everyone will push you around cos that know you?ll just say yes?.)

I?m a bolshie cow I know but I?ve come very very unstuck at Christmas before by just giving in?..good luck!

The 'not mentioning' it is killing us - t's like the elephant in the room I'm not assertive and neither is dh, which is how we ended up in this situation in the first place.

Ask them for food but according to what suits you and I spose more importantly your elderly mother and children!
No need to be bolshy exactly just decide which plan works best for you and your household then invite them at time. You don't have to explain yourself and whether or not it suits them as well isn't your priority or your problem.
I'm not assertive either- I'd probably do a written invite through the letter box and then run away, I'd just end up apologising and back tracking face to face!
Good luck.

I would go for Option 1 if you have to pick one.

It fits in with your usual routine and is less stress for you both. Perhaps you could invite the boys to bring a couple of their presents with them to keep them occupied whilst the adults eat?

Families at christmas - stress fest!

Option 1 and stick a DVD on for the children.

Agree with Option 1 and put boys upstairs with DVD/consol/fave pressies.

Another option - just get a small turkey breast/joint for your mother and dcs to have. You can cook this the evening before or in the morning before church and reheat it. As soon as you get home at 1.30, put the veg on. Have your starter/soup while they are cooking and have your Christmas as soon as everything is ready. Invite the outlaws in the evening for a light tea.

Option 6 (Tell them to come when it suits you not them) is best, but I suspect that you are not bossy enough too polite to go for that.

I would do Option 1, save a DVD that they have not seen before for after the boys have eaten.

Do you have a separate dining area so that you will have peace? Or set up the DVD in a bedroom as a special treat they get to have their pudding in there.

it sounds like option 1 is the best, tell them to bring new presents with them to play with while you eat, and have a dvd ready as well.

i would also add, if you are inviting them to dinner ask them to bring some food - ie bil bring pudding, and pil bring starter, or even the turkey since it's them that will be eating it!! (they could cook it on christmas eve like i do then it is all ready). this will spread the cost and hopefully they will be happy to help in return for seeing their family on christmas day.

The one thing that all this has made me realise is that when it comes time to visit my three when they are all married and settled is that I will be no trouble at all !

Option 1.

Organise ideas for keeping kids entertained.

To cut costs, don't bother with starters. If the guests want one they can bring it themselves.

Do a small turkey rolled breast roast for those who want it, cook in advance and reheat in gravy on the day.

Ask the invited to contribute things like alcoholic drinks which push up the cost a great deal.

Tell the guests that you are cutting back this year, and stick to your budget. You could let them know that luxury chocs and stuff will not be featuring this year unless someone else brings them.

I think it's only fair that family rallies round and contributes as you have been so generous entertaining them all in the past, if anyone is offended, that's their problem (and it will be too when they have nowhere else to go for Christmas in the future)

I think option 1 sounds better,i think you will be suprised how well behaved the kids will be.My 2 are better behaved on xmas than any other day!its all the new toys to distracted them lol.Hope it all goes ok for you whatever you decide hun

Tis I - Lilibet's unassertive DH .

Well after a long phonecall with my mum............... we are now invited there for our Christmas dinner!! !!

As its been put to me just :
'you've done it for the last few years so if you want to come to us to eat about 2 o clock?'

This means we can have our usual morning of presents & church, then have time to go round to some friends after church to swap presents before going to mum and dads for lunch, then home in the evening for a nice relaxed night (including Dr Who!) with no house full of dirty pots etc.

Pretty amazed to be honest.

So......do you all think she'll be pleased? (it's her book group tonight so she doesn't know yet

Fingers crossed!

If it were my DH he would say no - you'll be wrong in some way (logistics - who will be driving?) - but I say well done you! I hope it works out - start planning your evening menu now.

I'll drive - was only saying a couple of days ago a few less drinks on Christmas Day would do me good :-)

(and time for plenty at night too!)

No mention of what we'd be eating though......

Wow, she'll be chuffed to bits, well done! Now if you could just have a quick word with MrEricBana for me...