first christmas after BILs death - how to survive?

[LissyGlitter]

This year we (me, DP, 2.8yo DD1 and newborn DD2) will be going to the ILs for christmas dinner (we live three doors away). DPs brother died this summer, so I can see it being a pretty emotional time, which is fair enough, but I kind of want DD1 to have a happy christmas (she doesn't really understand death yet, she knows her uncle has died, but I don't think she gets the full implications). Any tips for how to deal with the inevitable tears and so on, support the family, yet keep DD1 happy?

Also DP is likely to be a moody so-and-so, as he hates christmas at the best of times, but will obviously be upset about his brother as well. He has already said he doesn't want any presents (although I have already bought him some, just little things) and has had a strop about DD1s advent calendar (he doesn't approve of it being disney winnie the pooh, I am too postnatal to be searching for one he does approve of, and the only other ones in the shop I looked at were transfomers or bratz, so winnie the pooh won). I am trying to be sympathetic, but I am also busy with the children and my own family (who we are travelling across the country to see from boxing day for a week or so) so I am afraid I can't spend the next entire month with him drunk and moody.

How can I help them all, without making christmas miserable?

The first Xmas, birthdays etc. are always hard (my DB died 6 years ago).

My advice is keep them busy so maybe have a few things up your sleeve if the mood gets too low. Perhaps a walk in park, funny Xmas movie, family game.

But it is also good to acknowledge that BIL is no longer around. Going to church in the morning if you're that way inclined. Or could you and DD say something at the beginning of lunch (a little poem perhaps), even taking around some flowers for MIL with a card remembering BIL. It gives everyone a chance to have a little cry if they need and also you all don't spend the whole day wondering who is going to mention him first.

They're lucky to have you to help them through this.

sdr is right. Not talking about the loved one in case someone gets upset is more likely to cause problems imo.
I lost both parents in one year, and I was glad that relatives talked about them during Christmas day. I think a Christmas bouquet in memory of bil is a lovely idea. I know a lot of people place Christmas wreaths in cemeteries, even for those who have been cremated, in the week before, is this something you could do as a family or together with pils?

You are very thoughtful and kind, and eventually dp will realise it, he just can't see past his grief at the moment.

I think anticipating the difficulty will be a big part of the help. You sound like you are very sympathetic and understanding and I am sure that if you take it day by day you will be doing the best you can in inevitably difficult circumstances.

I still dread christmas even though I have survived 5 now. I find it is hard to know which bits of christmas will be hard, too. I often dread christmas as it approaches and then find that it is actually ok and I can cope.

I think having your little daughters around to focus on and try and keep happy might help everyone actually.

do stay sympathetic though, the weirdest things can be really hard. I get dreadfully upset going in shops and seeing people buying hundreds of presents, I want to just scream at them to go and spend the time with their family and friends instead . I couldn't give a toss about presents anymore, some years I just havent managed to buy them, but I try and remind myself that they are I nice way of showing people that I love them but some years its just makes me too cross. I know its irrational really. I'm just trying to say that it affects everyone differently, and I think it is really tough on the people around you.

first Christmas's are hard probably even harder when you have little ones I lost my dad 3 years ago but his birthday was Christmas day so it was even harder, first 2 Christmas's I had to take my mum to the grave which was bloody hard but last year she was OK this year she's going away with my aunt my uncle died a month tomorrow so its good she'll be there to support her sister,as they never had any children it does get easier over time though as long as you have each other you'll be OK.

I'm wondering about this as well. My FIL passed away in september and I'll be hosting christmas this year for my mum, mil and sil. I'm hoping that having our young children around will help keep spirits up.

MIL has a special candle that gets lit in memory of my BIL.