anyone else dreading seeing family at christmas?

[TheChristmasArmadillo]

I love christmas I really do. I know it's extra work and everything, but I adore it and always have. I love choosing presents for people, I love cooking the meal etc etc...

but no matter what I do the thought of spending half the day with my family on christmas makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can't not see them and I do arrange it so we spend only a few hours with them and for a large part of that they will be out and I will be in the kitchen cooking.

But I know the moment I walk through the door I will be shouted at, and noone will be speaking to one another. People will scream/shout/storm out all morning. The presents I have got for them will be grimaced at and comments about 'materialism' will be made, my dinner will be criticised and pulled to pieces with 'it was lovely but...' while my sister's one small contribution will be praised to the heavens and it will generally be a horrible atmosphere and I will be on edge all the time.

The presents they get me will be a) the one idea I could think of that I wanted (with comments about how busy they are basically making me feel how little I mean to them that they don't want to put any effort into getting me something) or b) something I absolutely hate and despise (showing how little they think about me and my interests, which hurts). While the presents I have spent ages choosing for them will be cast aside.

I cannot stand the constant fighting and the constant being on edge. I cannot get out of it (at least for this year) and I have cut it down to a minimum and we will have a lovely afternoon.

But part of the problem is the afternoon will be lovely cos we will be with dp's family and the guilt that I actually get on with them and yet dread spending time wiht my own and the differences between the two will be magnified.

I have issues with my family as it is (as some will know). BUt it's like a black cloud. I've been pretending it doesn't exist but it does.

And the worst part is I hate seeing how unhappy they all are, but instead of finding a solution (i.e. stop treating everyone like shit) they blame others (usually me) for their unhappiness. ANd i hate seeing those I love unhappy.

And I hate seeing my lovely dp go through the charade of being nice to them when he wants to scream at them and them treating him like shite because he's broken one of their 'rules' (obviously cos he didn't know about it and it is insane illogical).

and you spend time with these people, why?

why do you constantly try to seek their approval?, it aint never gonna happen

what a toxic family, so sorry

OH can you rise above it? Why do they make comments about materialism, are they some kind of lentil knitting clan?

Don't know about your family issues but is there no chance that in the future you can just drop your presents off and not have the half a day with them? No help now of course because it's all planned but I mean next year and beyond/

Just keep thinking of the lovely afternoon you will have, adopt a zen like 'I really don't care' and try not to let the few hours get you down.

I spend time with them cos
a) it's expected and I can't face the huge fallout it would cause to not do so at the moment

and
b) cos ds loves them and they love him and I try and seperate (as much as I can) my relationship with them from his relationship with them and not let the bad feelings harm his relationship and him. He's only 4 and he doesn't deserve to be brought into this.

I try and rise above it but it ends up sucking me in. I don't like the person I am when I'm around it.

The materialism thing is complicated - they spend more money and less thought on presents than I do, they see it as a duty not an act of showing someone how you value them, but to hit back at those (ok me) who actually enjoy shopping for presents, and who don't view it as something to be endured rather than enjoyed. The materialism thing is basically about pouring scorn on the whole thing, and those who get joy out of giving material gifts.

This sounds awful. I can really sympathise - without going into detail I too have to steal myself to endure Christmas with my own family.

The way I have dealt with it is keep telling myself beforehand that it is only a short amount of time, that these people aren't (thank god) responsible for my emotional wellbeing anymore, and to grow an invisible armour around me which the comments and ill feeling cannot penetrate.

Could you be true to your name and build yourself an imaginary Christmas armadillo shell to protect yourself from their dross?

Just try to remember that YOU are happy and normal and have a lovely life with your immediate family of DP and kids. A few hours will pass quickly, then you can relax and have a lovely time with people who love and appreciate you.

steel

thanks

It's the self-enforced misery that really gets me and the constant competeting as to who is the most hard done by.

I mean why would you choose misery?

Spending time wiht them today and seeing how unhappy everyone is and how as a result they have to make everyone around them unhappy finished me off.

sound horrid. Hope that you can rise above it and have a good time in the end.

thanks

I was discussing with dp and it came down to we would have to see them sometime over the xmas period, so it might as well be xmas day.

We'll reconsider next year though.

We have a mixture of this type of situation so we have christmas on our own, just me dh and the boys. Il's are difficult and undermine dh and I as parents and my dad would turn up on christmas day after the boys had opened thier presents as he would be nursing a hangover after choosing to go out with his mates on christmas eve. As a cinsequence Il's won't have the boys anywhere near them on Christmas day and my dad will spend it on his own. (He was invited to go to canada to stay with my brother + sil and see other brother which would have been lovely as he'd see his gs and gd who he's never met but he was so ungrateful to them as he said he didn't want to go in the winter....)

Families are tricky and I now feel we have a much happier time without them during christmas. I found hitting my head against a brick wall hurt so I stopped....

"I found hitting my head against a brick wall hurt so I stopped"

that makes sense I know logically, I will bear it in mind for next year

i really wasn't getting at you I used to be in a similar sitaution to you but dh and I found we were spending our time arguing before we did anything with the family and afterwards when we picked apart the few days we'd spent with them. Now it's just us and we love it. Not intending to see Il's at all (they had the boys for 5 days last week, I drove the 6 hr journey 3 there, 3 back, as they wouldn't have met me halfway but dh and I have agreed this is the last time as I' 12 weeks prgt with no 3, very tired and getting migraines so they have to start to make an effort) and not intending to see my dad. I think people behave as you let them. We've stopped them behaving badly by not spending important times with them.

I hope yours goes as well as it can this year and just have it by yourselves next year xx

sorry I didn't mean it like that - I just like the quote, it pretty much sums up the sitatution.

I am wallowing in self pity atmo which does no one no good (least of all me). But I am home alone and lonely.

Ds pleaded to stay at my parents last night and I'm not going to pick him up till after lunch. Dp is at work and I am alone. And rather than actually doing anything I am sitting fretting about xmas and desperately missing ds.

I need a good kick up the bum

It is true that Christmas brings out the worst in some people. Next year DS will be 5, and may well overhear some of the nastiness, and he will certainly pick up on your tension. Grit your teeth this year, but I reckon in the future you will lose your rag altogether and speak your mind, resulting in a major feud. Of course, this might be just what is needed, you let rip and they might just change, only you know how they'll react. Your OP states that your relatives are unhappy with each other. This isn't your fault. Get your DH to support you and tell them that you no longer want to be part of this, or have DS exposed to it, they need to sort it between themselves. Brooding resentment makes people ill.

Decide that this will be the last you spend miserably struggling, and have the Christmas YOU want next year.
Deckmuppet is right, people will behave badly if you let them, stop giving them the opportunity. Drop off or post presents, don't bust a gut trying to get them the perfect thing. If this is queried, simply state you will be having a Christmas by yourselves. Don't get into an argument, just say the decision is made, have a happy Christmas and refuse to say more. It will be interesting to find out how they all cope having Christmas without you to criticise (or skivvy for them I suspect)

I am dreading xmas day with my family, but for different reasons, i really enjoy spending time with them, but this is most likely going to be my mums last xmas with us. So its going to be bitter-sweet.

Hope you find a way through it, and prehaps look at spending boxing day with them next year.

TheArmadillo I have seen you post very empathic and helpful advice when others find themselves in difficult family situations.

Just wanted to add my support to you really. I understand a little - my ils are toxic (there, I have said it.) We have declined to see them on Christmas Day this year, after absolutely appalling cold behaviour from them last year. They have sulked, they have shouted, they have raged, they have slammed the phone down (more than once), but we stood firm (partly thanks to support from people like you on here).

Wishing you a lovely day, particularly the afternoon bit. Some days these situations seem easier to cope wth than other iykwim, sometimes it is easier than others to let it "wash over you" iykwim.

Like you we keep in contact for the sake of the dcs.

hth x

thanks for these, some very good advice and lovely sympathy.

I sorry there is more background stuff as to why I felt I couldn't avoid this year, but hopefully next year we shall be further away (physically, financially and mentally) and from this I can see maybe not being involved with them at all at christmas is a possibilty and prob a good idea.

I'm going to keep this as a reminder of how badly it affects me.

Thanks it has really helped.