Christmas at the in laws...ding dong

[madmadmadwoman]

Is it very mean to do alternate years at the in laws? A year with them, a year just me, DP and soon to be LO?? Both my parents are dead and I worry that this means it will be assumed we go to in laws ever year without fail...

DP wants to see them and I of course don't want to deprive him of family time but at the same time I dont enjoy it much (cannot stand emotionally blackmailing MIL)...

The problem is the rest of his family all live on top of each other and we are the slightly further away ones so there is no way the MIL will come....

We are massively falling out over this. Is anyone else experiencing the same/similar/have any tips??

No that's what we do.
My parents are dead also.
We have my in laws once and then my sister once and the xmas just us (with 2 yr old - but anyone can come to this but we will do it our way with no allowances for anyone). We do all the hosting for all three as my mil is a terrible cook and hates cooking so she is very happy with the arangement and she does the cleaning instead and we are all happy. We are far away from everyone my sis is in London we are in Belgium and parents in law in Holland.
You are being fair don't give in.

I think it is fair but am getting the chat from DP about how important hsi family are and making him choose and feeling massively guilty and witch like.

But isnt he making me choose? I can go for him and smile sweetly at all but I wont be enjoying it - none of them drink which doesn't help matters along!

I feel like I am being the grinch..

No, put foot down early otherwise you will have years of moaning and blackmail.

He is saying you should have a Christmas you do not enjoy EVERY YEAR. How is that fair?

Good advice thank you! Just want to know that I am being rational.

Also - how would you word it as inoffensively as possible that we want every 2nd year 'off' from them?

sometimes you have to be the first to make a change to create the new family - the new traditions.

I remember the shock waves when , for various reasons we said we were going to have christmas on our own. Both sets of parents were but the worst was from my siblings who just tried to lay as much guilt as they could on me.
The next year we did the same and there was barely a murmur

We have had our own christmases for the last ten years and only visit family the week before or after.
It is HEAVEN !!!

If it is what you want then stick to your guns and DON'T argue your case. Just say 'Sorry but that is what we are doing'.
They will let it go when they see you are not to be swayed or guilted out about it.

Versde - I agree. I can do it every second and shine my halo but not every year. This is causing so much upset. We have been arguing on and off alll day - DP saying he thinks we have no future if I can't understand how important his family are to him. he is normally pretty rational but when it comes to his mother it all goes out of the window and feel like he turns into a big wimp.....

You could try the we need xmas on our own to build our own family unit traditions like you have done in such a wonderful way. A bit of sucking up never hurts.

Ah, mmmw, I don't know. After eight years of struggling with my ILs over their notion that they should have every Christmas with their GC (regardless of the needs or wants of any other grandparents or anyone else at all) I am little further forward...

Can you go to them on another day - Xmas day at home, boxing day at theirs and alternate it the next year?

I can't wait to do my first Christmas in our home and dont want to be deprived of this. DP is not supporting/understanding of this at all and I really dont understand it.

Any experience MNers of strong men who turn to utter weeds when their mothers are involved??!!

Boxing Day at theirs I have suggested but apparently in DP's family this is just 'not the same'... When I was a child we did alternate years and that was just the way it was and all easy...

The MIL doesnt even know yet! Out will come the tears...think I might go on my own to Lapland and sod them all...

Well personally and you sound much calmer than me I would tell him to go on his own - are you not his family too and equally important.

God - I am not calm . I have been far too brutally hinest today about what I think about his mother and her control over him. Worried have said too much.

I'm sorry but

"DP saying he thinks we have no future if I can't understand how important his family are to him."

That is pathetic and bullying.
You are not asking him to never see them again. Alternating seems reasonable.

I would have already said by now that I would be struggling equally see a future with a man who does not seem to care about what I want and does not see how important my family ( ie him and our DC (to be )) were to me! Or does your relationship depend on your always doing what he wants.

pagwatch - this is what is so strange is it really doesn't. If anything I tend to wear the trousers slightly more and DP says this is all down to me not getting my own way. It seems so irrational.

oh poor you.
Don't know what to suggest. It does seem an over the top reaction. And trying to resolve issues when someone is reacting very emotionally is so difficult.

Hope you get some better answers than this one

Is he actually frightened of his mother? I think fear is at the root of many of my own IL struggles...
Also if she has set an example of emotional blackmail, he may just be aping what he knows and thinking it is normal behaviour.

I have been furious in the past as DP will lie to MIL rather than tell her the truth eg on his birthday when she said at last minute 'come home to see me' he didn't say 'I have plans with madwoman' but told her he could not get a day off from work. Does that count as a white lie??!!

We alternate, even though we are closer to one side than the other. Christmas does somehow make things different (often it makes rational people a bit nuts ).

In your shoes to keep the peace why not say one year at your inlaws and the other year they are welcome at your house. It is hardly your fault if they choose not to come.

TBH it is a bit lame if he can't say on his B-day that he an adult has made plans!

Oh, I feel for you. I think it will blow over eventually if you to stick to your guns. I'd tell DP he can go every year, but you and DC are staying home every other year. He can then be the one to chose! Is that too mean?

It has not been mentioned again - I have said will go 'some' years/alternate years....however he still hasnt told his mother he isn't going to be there this year. I hope he doesn't think I will crack!!

I would imagine it is better to tough it out from the beginning (says she having failed to do so...) especially as he has some other mother-related ishoos which need to be wrestled into the light and dealt with if possible...