Spending xmas with the possible in-laws-heavy smoker-how can I get through it without wanting to go home!

[Pawslikepaddington]

Boyfriend's parents are adorable. Only just started seeing him but have known the family since I was 2, and lost my mum earlier this year so have no-one to spend xmas with, so have been invited to their house.

They are wonderful-they can't do enough for you, are great fun to be around, have a beautiful house, wonderful garden-great for dd as they are so child friendly, have wonderful healthy home-made food and organic fruit on tap etc, have a rocking horse, a real "secret garden" that they let dd unlock and have as "her" garden when we go-they are great.

However his mum is a HEAVY smoker-at least 60 a day-I have never seen her without a cigarette in her hand. Usually I play with dd outside in the garden, or we go to a national park etc when we are there so it isn't too much of a problem-just means I do a massive wash when we get back, febreze dd's bear to kingdom come (he is a sponge clean only bear ) and when we are inside they have a formal sitting room in the middle of the house, a sitting room without a tv at one end of the house, and a family room at the other end, so his mum will sit in any of the non-family rooms to keep the smoke away from dd as much as poss, although it is a very open house, so the smoke billows through it. Xmas is obviously going to be different however as we are going to be inside most of the time, and all in the same room together-I am really anti-smoking with children in the house, and so am going to struggle to spend four days with dd cooped up in a smoke filled house as the weather will be bad. Can you give me coping strategies? Asking her to smoke outside is not an option, as dd (4) already broached this with the potential mil and she just laughed it off, patted her on the head and carried on smoking.

absolutely honestly??? I don't think I would go.l

as lovely as they sound, and as nice as it would be (bar the smoking) I don't think I could, in all honestly, sit there while someone chainsmoked with my children in the house.

Could you say that you are having asthma problems so could your mil not smoke inside just whilst you are there?

what does your boyfriend think? Have you told him how you feel? I would find this a huge problem to be honest, living in the midest of it for any length of time.

I really don't think I could be in the room/house with a very heavy smoker to be honest. I would consider inviting them to your house for Christmas where you can request that she smokes outside.

That's what I feel like, but I feel like I've been sucked too far in to say no now. She knows we have nowhere else to go, so I can't make something up, and so the only thing I could say was it is because of the smoking . I know kids grow up in smoke filled houses and they are fine, and we will have spent a total of 7 days in a whole year there, but I just can't calm my mind over this one. I can't really talk though as dd's dad smokes when he has her overnight, and she comes back reeking of smoke (I have words every time and have now stopped her going), and I can't stop him doing it either, but I just feel so that other people are so blasee about dd's lungs.

Our house is way too small to fit everyone in-we don't even have room for an xmas tree-it would be so good if that option would work. I may ask if she could smoke outside, as I had a hacking cough the last time we went, so may lie and say I was diagnosed with asthma . Her son just basically says he grew up with it and is fine, which is true, and if I broach it I feel like I'm shunning his upbringing IYSWIM.

It's sooo hard because if you state that this is the reason, she's likely to think you're being horribly ungrateful and that you're snubbing her in some way. MIL has a friend who smokes like a chimney and MIL has only just (in the past 12 months) plucked up the courage to ask her to smoke outside, for fear of offending her. Her friend is absolutely lovely but thinks nothing of smoking with all the kids in the house (including baby niece). Her only concession was to wave the smoke away if one of the dcs went over to talk to her .

Could your bf not say anything to her?

God I feel like a bad mum now! No one else in their family smokes, so I never even thought she might smoke until we got there for the weekend and she did, and then I became miss coward and couldn't bring myself to say anything.

or, tbh, I might say something myself and tackle it head on. Bloody hell, it's not as if she won't have heard of the health risks or won't be aware of the stink of it! If you speak to her upfront and tell her how welcome she's made you feel and how much you appreciate it, but how awful smoke meakes you and your dd feel, she might just make allowances for you and smoke outside. Maybe???

I would ask your dp to broach it with them.

him saying he was brought up with it has no bearing on it at all. that way way back when.
we know that breathing second hand smoke can cause lung cancer, and many other health problems.
and she is YOUR child and if you don't want her surrounded by smoke you don't have to.

I would maybe have a chat with him and say that you'd really love to go, but in all honesty could not be happy with the cigarette smoke.
see what he says.

Thank you you two for helping me with this-I feel so that I am the one feeling guilty about this! FIL hates it too, and is always moaning at her about it, so I think I may broach it, especially as dd did tell her how upset it made her and how she didn't want MIL to die as her nana had already died!

They really are so wonderful and so accommodating, that maybe it will work. She does try and go out of her way to keep dd away from it (bar going outside ), but then it is like she thinks "this is my house, why am I doing this? and will smoke at the dining table when dd is eating , and then goes back to smoking at the opposite end of the house to dd-it is contrary!

God, well I think if she can't/won't do anything about it, I certainly wouldn't go. Smoking at the dinner table is just BLEUCH. If FIL thinks they might miss out on you and your dd at Christmas because of her smoking he might be very supportive

That's true moomin. I feel so guilty for putting dd in a smoky situation because of politics-if she ever develops asthma I will be convinced it is because of my cowardice! I will just have to face this head on and say that smoking in the house while dd is there really makes me uncomfortable, and we will be unable to come back unless she smokes outside. If I can stop people smoking in my house I don't see why I cant be as strong in other people's houses.

The thing I was thinking is that if you speak to her face to face, she'll be able to see how you feel about it, i.e. terribly apologetic and upset, which is good for you and should make her see that it's just the smoke and it really is a big deal. If the message gets to her via your bf or on the phone or whatever, intentions can be lost in translation. I think you & your bf ought to sit down with her (and FIL maybe if it won't make her feel ganged-up on and defensive)

I get on with her really well (to the point where she asked her son to marry me as I am the only girl that will ever be good enough! (because I won't pull her up about the smoking probably! )) so I should really sit down just the two of us. I would never ask over the phone or through bf-it would erupt! You are a poppet moomin-I feel like a 10 year old over this! !

You've said that FIL hates it too. Could you have a word with him instead? He would probably be more receptive and would then hopefully speak to MIL.