If your parents are divorced, what do you do about xmas?

[santapaws]

I would like to have my mum for xmas dinner, but obviously cant invite my dad (and partner) so what do i do?

Im thinking probably something on xmas eve for dad as we go to my SIL on christmas day night and have done for years, well last 5 years, but its kind of a tradition now.

Dont really want to do a big xmas dinner, so do you think some party food and a few drinks from sainsburys would be ok?

On the other hand, i kind of want xmas eve to be a me, dh and ds time so im stuck between doing what i want and doing what i should!

Any ideas welcome

xx

Xmas used to be a right royal pita but fortunately my divorced parents couldn't give a flying about me or my children so we get to spend it on our own or with the ILs (although they have taken to going away at Xmas and they book it before anyone invites themselves to stay )

Last year, for the first time saw neither parent. It was such a relief, I hope to do the same this year.

family splits just go on and on don't they.
I am recently(ish) separated from my H, this will be our first christmas apart, and I was thinking the other day of the impact on our children and the whole dynamic when they are grown up and have families of their own.
An interesting thread.

When we were younger we did alternate years (except elder brother who didn't speak to my mum).

Now, my dad goes to his brothers and my mum comes here every year.

I do still see my dad on xmas day and that is important to me. I lived with him after the divorce and so now do feel quite guilty that my mum is more involved in my life than he is.

My parents haven't spoken since way before the divorce (15 years ago) and I have not done alot of things (christen my kids, get married) due to the fact that i'd not want them in a room together.

I also have the 'well what time is your dad/mum coming' questions from both parents.

My dad won't visit without first checking if my mum is here.

Tbh I do find it quite stressful at times and feel like I am right back in the middle of their divorce.

Message withdrawn

I really feel for you IB. We went away and got married without telling any of them. It was a relief not to have to think about their needs for a change. Think that was a turning point for me, as I don't really feel bad about not having them involved in our christmas now. It just saves a lot of bother, and feelings that you've not pleased everybody.

My kids are only 6 and 2, and as I said we are only recently split afternearly 17 years (his choice, completely unanticipated by me, no one else involved as far as I know).
I have tried so hard from the outset to ensure that the boys realise that he is still their father and that he loves them. We are both (I hope) trying to ensure that they have a relationship with him (I would say that they spend at least as much time with him now as they did before).
But it just stretches away into the future.
At the moment it is still very raw, and I find it very hard not to ask too many questions about their life with him - but I do ask some ("what have you done today" kind of thing, that I would ask of a school day, or if they had been with my parents), and I know they are loaded. Whether they realise this? probably.

TBH in lots of ways I want his friendship - he is (had been?) my FAMILY, and it is an enormous hole. I think he wants my friendship aswell. But I am unable to give it, it would cost me too much at this stage. Although I am perfectly civil, and friendly at times.

This thread just gives me an insight of something I never wanted, for me or my children, stretching into the future and affecting aspects of our entire lives, regardless of ex and/or I going on to future relationships.

Message withdrawn

Thanks, but in general I am doing ok, shit happens, time goes on and distances you from the pain, and you move on - or not I guess, but moving on is definately preferable.

But the impact will go on and on, as demonstrated by this thread.

I guess all I can do is my best to minimise the effects, which is why it is interesting to read - now I just have to remember it in 20 years time

my relationship with my parents has kind of petered out in alot of ways, re xmas.

mum lives abroads now. dad is with person who really doesn't want much to do with me and dd, so xmas is a bit hit and miss.

ex dh left when dd was 3, just after xmas 2005, so xmas has been hard since. I used to adore those xmas's with dh, like you chasing squirrels, its all a bit much.

I still feel it very much this time of year, as it's really not what i wanted. Yet dd is upermost in my heart and mind, and i will give her the best xmas i can. Those memories of xmas when i was little are so important to me now.

when i think of marriage all i think is the faff of my mom and dad and them competing over stuff and i think i would just go abroard on our own at some point.
imo if you don't speak to someone anymore and can't ask them what they have been upto then you shouldn't ask via someone else. it drives me mad when my dad asks how my mom has been doing at work and then uses my answer to critisise her or asks how my mom's weight is, what has it got to do with him?
They were also married 27 years, what a waste.
One thing i have promised myself is to never waster 27 years of my life with someone i don't love.

ilovetochat - i think we have the same parents! Everything you say, ive nodded along to.

Dad always asks about mum and the rest of the family and mum asks about dad but much less than he does about her, i just say "he/shes fine" and leave it at that, but god, yeah its so frustrating.

piratecat and chasingsquirrels - im sorry for your situations and im sure your dc's will have a lovely christmas, whatever you do.

Chasingsquirrels - yes it does go on forever and while i know you find it difficult to be more with your H than you are now, understandably, in time you will get there and i would just say that as long as your children grow up knowing that you love them, their dad loves them and mum and dad can at least come together for them, they'll be fine. Luckily i was 22 when my parents split so i have lovely memories of our christmas' together but often wonder if they had split when I was little, would it now just be a way of life? Who knows?

I hope none of that sounded patronising, if it did, i apologise

xx

My parents divorce and the effect it can still have on me all these years on, is the major factor in making me at least try and be civil to xp.

My mums attitude is that I should just have absolutly nothing at all to do with him, not allow him over the doorstep, not speak to him on the phone etc, but if I do that, then in 10 years time, my kids will be in the position that I am often in now.

I don't ever want my kids to be that stressed that their parents might bump into each other on a visit that it makes them feel physically ill.

My love for my children and need to see them not end up like me is stronger than my dislike for xp.

people have said to me since having dd, when are you and dp going to get married? they don't realise the effect of having divorced parents on your future. to me marriage is not a huge commitment as you can get divorced. wheras by having dd i believe i made a massive commitment to dp as we will always be linked now.
tbh my dad is the worst, my mom will just say will your dad be there and get on with it but dad is the one wanting times and being nasty for no reason.
santapaws - i don't think have a long lost sister? mind you i can't be sure with my dad i saw some best dad boxers at his once and i didn't buy them.