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Original poster

in laws at xmas - what should I do

29 replies

annaje · 24/10/2008 09:11

Is it wrong to not want your in-laws to come and stay! Last year we just had xmas by ourselves and had the best time - we really enjoyed it and want to do the same this year. My parents are pretty good at just popping in for a cuppa and to play with the kids for a while, but the in-laws want to come and stay for 3-4 days. We don't have a spare room so DH and I end up giving up our room and we end up sleeping on the floor.

She has had health problems this year, so I feel guilty - but they also have a history of saying they are coming down and then at the last minute cancelling with crappy excuse (they did this last xmas after both me and sister in law spent a fortune on food).

Am I being mean by wanting to have an easy xmas on our own.

OP posts:
MegBusset · 24/10/2008 09:13

I feel your pain. Last year my parents came 'for a few days' and stayed for two weeks! We also had my sister on the sofa for two days. It was a nightmare!

This year I am putting my foot down, I don;t mind one or two nights but that's all.

mazzystartled · 24/10/2008 09:16

You need to take control of the invitation. Invite them on terms that you are happy with. ie 2 days max. Hotels have very good deals over Xmas if space is really tight.

I think you need to find a way to make it work as it will be nice for them, for your dh and your kids. They are part of the family too, after all.

Original poster
annaje · 24/10/2008 09:20

It wouldn't be as bad if we had the room - but I resent sleeping on the floor all bloody xmas. And they don't help much either, so its a case of me doing breakkie, lunch, dinner etc - I feel like a waitress.

I think we will suggest going up to them at 'some point' over the holidays. Or maybe they come for Boxing Day!

A Big family Xmas always sounds like a nice idea, but it's just a lot of work for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
annaje · 24/10/2008 09:26

Sorry - I do realise how selfish this sounds, but after many years of this, I just want to enjoy xmas with my DS's while they both still believe in the magic. DH feels the same as me.

Most of my friends seem to have the same problems.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 24/10/2008 09:27

and so do their grandparents

I totally agree about the bed thing. Hence hotel idea.

Remember you might well be a mother-in-law yourself one day.

ohdearwhatamess · 24/10/2008 09:44

Offer to arrange a hotel for them? Do something with them the weekend before Christmas?

compo · 24/10/2008 09:45

get dh to deal with it
their his parents after all
get him to ring and say if they'd like to come would they mind staying in a hotel

cupchar · 24/10/2008 09:47

Hotel idea as will give you time off from them in the evening

Original poster
annaje · 24/10/2008 10:35

Thanks for the advice - sometimes you need a different perspective on things.

I'll suggest the hotel thing - or that we will come to them as they have the space.

thanks ladies

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Dropdeadfred · 24/10/2008 10:40

surely thy must know how crappy it is for you to be sleeping on the floor?

tell them for that reason, mainly, you have decided to visist them rather than the other way around

clam · 24/10/2008 10:53

Whilst I totally understand your reasons (and I presume it's the sleeping arrangements that's the issue, not the PILs themselves?), I think I might be a bit and if we were invited to close family for Christmas but asked to stay in a hotel. Even if the money's not an issue, it would feel a bit like we weren't really welcome.
Sorry!!

Dropdeadfred · 24/10/2008 10:55

I personally wouldn't suggest the hotle thing, I would just tell them straight that sleeping on the floor is uncomfortable and unpleasant and not how you wish to spend your christmas

Original poster
annaje · 24/10/2008 11:02

Yeah - i understand the hotel thing - it does seem a bit cold.

It's not just the sleeping arrangements, it is a mixture of things that bug me. I think I need to take control and suggest that we visit them over the christmas period (as we have very good friends near them that I want to catch up with too).

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clam · 24/10/2008 11:08

Well, that way you get to repeat the lovely time you had last year with just youselves, but you then get to go away for a few days, enjoy the ILs without all the resentments you would have built up from sleeping on the floor and serving them up 3 meals a day for a few days, and see your other friends!
Win, win!

Original poster
annaje · 24/10/2008 11:17

Thanks clam - does seem like it's the best thing all round. I don't think she will be well enough to travel this year anyway as she is having an operation in November (hence me feeling guilty).

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/10/2008 11:25

I like your suggestion of visiting on Boxing Day.

Sorry, but I don't agree that you have to accomadate them and wait on them just because they are family and spend your Xmas on the floor.

That wouldn't work for me, either.

I would never feel unwelcome just because my family member asked me to stay in a hotel if I knew that space were a problem. TBH, I'd book a hotel myself because I like having space myself.

And the waiting on them thing wouldn't work, either.

TBH, they invited themselves, not you issuing an invite.

So I would do the 'We'll be there on Boxing Day, it'll be easier for you as you won't have to travel and we'll book a place where we can all have a meal out so no clean up or work,' and if she pushed then I'd be honest about not wanting to spend Xmas on the floor and/or email or mail over a list of things they can bring.

And not let them sit there and be waited on when they showed up. The night before, show them where cereal and such are and say, 'Well, we'll be lying in, so help yourselves to brekkie.'

mazzystartled · 24/10/2008 16:21

It would be a bit mean to have an older lady with health problems sleep on the floor really. Are they far away? Could you have alovely Xmas eve, nice brekkie and stockings at home in the morning and get up there early pm for Xmas lunch? That's what we are doing, as it's only an hour or so to my mother's. Or could they stay with s I l?

DiscoDizzy · 24/10/2008 16:24

DH isn't keen on my parents coming for xmas and they're only here for over lunchtime, 3 hours max. I'm sure they sense that they're not wanted

Original poster
annaje · 24/10/2008 17:29

I think they burnt their bridges last year with SIL as they were supposed to come and stay with her and called her xmas eve to say they weren't coming.

I wouldn't expect her to sleep on the floor - it's just that I don't want to either. They do live quiet a long way away and we don't see them often, hence the problem in the first place. If they lived nearer, it would be an invitation for dinner and that would be fine. They are good people, but I just find it too much to have people staying for any length of time - I like my space...!

Thanks for all the advice - xmas is never easy is it. I know so many people that have these problems.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 24/10/2008 17:35

oh I'm totally with you annaje, i am in support of the hotel option. hope you can think of a solution that you are all happy with, and enjoy it.

compo · 24/10/2008 17:36

I have no problem asking people to stay in hotels if I know they can afford it
My parents always do and are happy to, they think of it as a mini holiday and would rather do that than be woken by my dcs at 6am
The inlaws used to stay in a B&B too until we moved house which had an extra bedroom and dh said they could sleep in there . I sad let them make up their own minds but sadly he said they couldn't afford a B&B each time. They only come about twice a year and spend a fortune on pointless tat but I could see I was on a losing thing.
I hate people staying to be honest but in the end it's there loss, as they now stay they get invited less

expatinscotland · 24/10/2008 17:50

how about you all get a hotel for Boxing Day and visit her?

that way the problem is sorted.

but i agree, where there's no space, it's intrusive year after year if it's for more than a night. AND, where the guest expects to be waited on.

nah, i don't do guests who think they're in a hotel anymore than i'd go to someone's house, which i'd only do if i were invited, and expect to be waited on.

it's a home, not a restaurant/hotel.

my folks stay when they come. but they come from America, there is space in this house just now, AND they basically take over - cooking, cleaning, nonstop looking after the kids including taking them out for entire days, encouraging us to go out together as a couple and the like.

ilovemydog · 24/10/2008 17:52

aren't you about due now, expat, or is ds waiting for halloween?

expatinscotland · 24/10/2008 17:56

he's waiting for halloween, ilove .

i had both my girls by this time.

but noooooo, the boy has to take his time.

i did tell Mama not to come till 18 november, though, so that way they'd be assured of seeing a newborn baby.

will be great timing as she's itching to do Xmas crafts with the girls.

bring it on!

ilovemydog · 24/10/2008 17:58

and cook Thanksgiving dinner! It's on the 27th this year.... tell her to bring lots of Libby's pumpkin!

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