Have just invited my brother (who I don't speak to) to ours for Christmas Day....

[cmotdibbler]

For the last 20 years, my brother and I have seen each other for approx 3 hours a year - we live a long way apart, have never got on, and he only visits my parents twice a year for a few hours to get things from them.

Parents are aging badly, and I (and DH) invited them to ours for Christmas which will involve 6 hours of driving to get them and take them back. Mum turned on the pressure to invite brother so 'he wasn't alone for Christmas' (he's single, but has previously turned up at theirs at 9pm Christmas eve and gone after lunch at 1pm on Christmas day by his choice).

I've been a good daughter and invited him, but am now having wobbles about having him here when the PIL are here too, and whether its going to wind my dad up too.... Eeeek..

Too late now! tis the season of goodwill and all that...

You never know may help build a few bridges, hopefully having PIL too will force everyone to be on best behaviour. Tis only a day, try to not to stress too much.

You never know - he might have other plans...!

Agree it's too late now. Have a think about how you are going to do the day and what jobs he can help with. Would it also help to plan an afternoon walk or something at which point you can wish him a Christmassy farewell and enjoy the rest of the day on your own duty done? Maybe send him a card confirming that he's coming and how long he's welcome for? (carefully worded obviously) And what he should bring to contribute to the day?

Trouble is, that we will be pretty much confined to the house as both my parents can only walk a short distance so if he's in a sulky/antisocial mood (this is pretty common for him on previous occasions) we're stuck with him. Am hoping that he will use some social skills and be nice to PIL who have only met him briefly 11 years ago.

Am hoping that he will decide that its not worth it and decline TBH - emailed him earlier so will see what he says

cmot : you have my sympathy although I have no advice.

I've invited MIL and SIL for Xmas.
SIL is a doctor and works shifts so we didn't expect her to be there for the whole 3 days of Xmas, but we did expect her to help with the ferrying around. MIL is epileptic so can't drive, lives in the middle of nowhere and can't get around by public transport, but we don't really want to drive there and back twice with a little DS. She now says she's not sure what she's doing for Xmas and to ask her again on the 23rd. Thing is I can't cope with MIL with just DH and otherwise could have gone to SIL (BIL's ex-wife-to-be) house down the road which would actually have been fun!

Bloody families!

tis the season to be jolly

just think you are one of millions in the same boat

roll on boxing day for a great many

Chairmum - is your MIL on a promise ? Or does she always like to keep you hanging on for a decision

Alas, on Boxing Day we get to go to the PILs. 2x BIL, SIL, 5x teenagers from 16-12, 97 year old mother of FIL, usually 80 something year old grandfather of evil SIL, poss mother of other SIL too. And us and 2.6 year old DS who is a whirlwind, but we'll have to have with us at the table for 3 hours ...... I keep telling myself it can never be as bad as the year that FIL, DH and his brothers all got very very drunk and started arguing. I threatened to never go to another family event after that year, but DH never drinks there now and we live close enough to turn up just before lunch and go home at DS's bedtime

cmot: sounds awful. My family are/were a bit like that but I don't see them any more.

MIL will come as if she doesn't and SIL doesn't go to her she will be alone, but SIL is not good at plans. She does normally spend all of her time-off with her mother around xmas/new year, and we try to do at least a 2 day visit even though I don't get on with either SIL or MIL very well.

Trouble is as MIL has been ill both DH and SIL are fed up of running around doing everything (she's isolated and won't move so she can get help) and SIL seems to have a man around this year, so may want to spend time with him (she never brings her men to meet the family so I doubt she'd bring him).

Also, its DS's first Xmas and we know he'd have fun with his cousins who he loves, whereas MIL won't even hold him because she's worried about having a fit while she's doing it!

Arrgghh

Sorry, hijacking here!

Its just a nightmare isn't it. And I wonder why I find it hard to get enthusiastic about Christmas. But I remind myself that it can never be as bad as when we didn't have a car and had to stay with the PIL for days at a time, and would have to listen to evil SIL going on and on and on. Now I get to run after DS at least

Cmot - I feel for you over the Christmas thing. My own relationship with brother similarly strained. Basically he is a spoilt domineering bully who walks all over my parents and always has done and his wife is just along for the ride too. They have a marriage which is basically held together by my parents bailing them out by the minute financially and bringing up their kids. Every weekend is taken up by them all doing stuff together and they have given a negligable amount of time and attention to my own children. Every year I ask my parent s to come and visit the kids on christmas day and every year they are busy cooking for and providing a christmas day for brother so the answer is always 'no'. Granted we do not live close - 2.5 hrs drive. My pil both dead. So every year we spend chrismas day just the 4 of us. We do have a nice time but its hard not to be hurt and feel very left out. Especially last year - we got a phone call from my mum saying -Happy Christmas, get off the line, I want to speak to the others. (brothers family).Ashamed to say I cried later on because they never even asked to speak to my children or ask what presents they got, etc. We go to pick up our childrens christmas presents after christmas. There is no room to spend christmas day at mums house as all the extended family descend upon them.
I am not putting this on here as a sob story but to illustrate my point.
SO- my point!- sorry to hijack - is there are so many different reasons to NOT invite him - but you are clearly a kind person for putting others feelings up for consideration and inviting the 'black sheep'. We are the 'black sheep' and its not nice to feel univited at christmas.
Even if its awful - at least it will be over on the 26th.

My Christmas mantra ;

'it's for the kids, it's for the kids... '

repeat constantly in head and whatever the outcome you will probably stay sane

oh god - sounds awful. At least my brother has no children (in fact, as far as my father knows, no relationship for 15 years or so), and my parents and I have a great relationship.

Brother still hasn't replied, so maybe I'm safe...