What would you do?

[Justworkingitout]

I’m desperate to go away for a couple of days over Christmas next year (UK is fine). Maybe from 23 to 26 Dec. The teen kids don’t appreciate the effort at all and two out of three will be with their other parent in any case. The 3rd will be 19 so I’m not sure what to do about him! Maybe he would come with. I recently lost my dear dad and I’m struggling to ‘enjoy’ Christmas and Christmas exhausts me. However I can’t leave my elderly disabled housebound mum. No other family can help. My gut is telling me to stay put and carry on doing Christmas with mum (and the teens when they come back to me on Boxing Day) and the other part of me is screaming ‘I don’t want to do this.’ Or maybe there is a hybrid approach? Go away but somehow get mum and her carer to the hotel for Christmas Day lunch, but we would have to stay close to her. However she may refuse as she doesn’t leave her home now. But I’ll also feel guilt stricken for even thinking of doing this. What would you do?

Do you drive and does your mum live anywhere within reach of a nice city, town or countryside with a hotel you’d enjoy staying in?

Sorry to hear you’re feeling exhausted and for the loss of your Dad. If I were you I wouldn’t make any decisions about next year now as you don’t know what might change over the next twelve months. Is it possible you could take the break you were talking about soon instead? A few days away to relax in January might be just what you need!

Sorry for your loss, it does make Christmas difficult. I am not sure a hotel Christmas dinner production is the answer here. It is still a palaver of packing and dressing up. What about the carer - do they want to be dragged to some hotel on Christmas Day? I would feel awful doing this and I’d be aiming to give the carer some days off!

Easier just scaling it all back - you don’t have to do a Christmas tree and a big meal; teens would probably appreciate vouchers which makes gift giving very easy.

I also agree that escaping in January for a weekend getaway may be a better idea - there are some fab deals if you hunt them down!

I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed but I don't think you can leave your children over Christmas, even if they aren't there all there on the 25th (and the 19 year old absolutely needs to be included in any plans if they are at home).

l always spent Christmas Day with my mum but would have felt really hurt if my dad didn't make sure he was available to celebrate with me on Boxing Day. The whole period is 'Christmas'.

It's awful that you're grieving and I really feel for you, but I think it's an unfortunate part of parenting that sometimes you just have to soldier on for your kids sakes during Christmas. Do you have a partner that can take over the organising etc.?

Could you do a more low key day? Nibbles put out and just an expectation that you all chill? Or eat out (maybe with a nice country walk?)? Or even just a takeaway? Then similar on Boxing Day when the other teens open their gifts?

Sorry you are having a rough time.

Like someone else said can you take the precious off of the 25th and do a more buffet style dinner the teens can graze on all day if they don't appreciate a big elaborate turkey roast (assuming that is part of the effort you say they don't appreciate)?

They might not outwardly show appreciation but perhaps they do take comfort at just being home with their mum and siblings on the day, they'd not the best communicators.

What is your mum's preferred Christmas? Does she actually want to see you Christmas day, I don't mean that horribly by the way! I mean she might appreciate a low key day on her own rather than the pressure of family all around her? My grandma who was a wonderful, kind, sociable lady who hosted many family lunches and special occasions, started to struggle a bit with this after the loss of my grandad, one year it just turned out everyone was going to be with someone else (grandkids grown up with children and in-laws) and although we absolutely would have rearranged to include her she was delighted to have the day to herself, all pressure off and no traveling for once. We saw her at various points over the following few days.

Maybe arrange a new years trip for yourself something to look forward to after the hard bit?

Also, remember it is a whole year away, you might feel differently this time next year, you'll be in the post Christmas/January blues right now. Last year after an exhausting time hosting, doing all the cooking, no dishwasher, I had a right tantrum banging pots and pans, and said 'I'm sick of this, we are going to a restaurant next year, it is too exhausting!' However, roll on this year, husband offered to do all the cooking, plans then changed, family that were going to come ended up somewhere else, and different family came, husband got the flu and I ended up doing all the cooking and hosting again, but I really enjoyed it! Had a lovely Christmas, unexpectedly. (We also now have a dishwasher).

Take your time making any decisions, maybe wait until the spring when this Christmas is long gone, there are brighter sunnier days and you will think more clearly.

It's been a hard year for my family. I took myself off to a nearby city close to 2 of my adult children the other 2 were away and working. I spent a few hours with them on Christmas day but spent Xmas eve and Xmas day evening on my own in a lovely little apartment with a lovely view accross the city. I took cheese biscuits and snacks and a few sweet treats and really chilled out. I'm already planning to do the same next year. Best decision I ever made

Thank you everyone for your really thoughtful messages. I think I do need a break before I crack but I guess it can’t be at Christmas. That’s the reality.

I try to book something for myself at the end of November/first week in December - even just a weekend somewhere new. I get to rest and reset before jumping in to Christmas prep and can breathe a bit. I literally do nothing for Christmas until after my break away, so December is busy but I’d rather have a month of busy than a 3 month lead up where Christmas is occupying my thoughts.

There may be too many unknowns for you to book anything now, but I have to say I strongly disagree with the prevailing message of these replies, which seems to be that, because you are a mom, you don't have the right to think of yourself at Christmas, and must put everyone's needs before your own.

Your kids have two parents. You say two of them will be with their dad next year anyway. So that's sorted.

Your 19 year old may prefer to be with friends or a partner next year anyway. But if not, offer them the chance to come with you.

Does your elderly mum even WANT to celebrate Xmas? (I know mine doesn't). Again, ask her what she would prefer. Remember, it's just a date - maybe you and she could celebrate together at a different time? Or maybe your 19 year old could go and be with gran?

Talk to the people you love about what works for them, but you are just as entitled as them to state your own preferences. You are just as much a person, despite being a woman and a parent!

Good luck.

Yes I am definitely jumping the gun here! But i’m so fed up with my teens - no present or card this year from either. My very elderly mum who is grieving and dealing with a recently diagnosed disability but can’t seem to recognise that I’m grieving too. My sibling is overseas and no help at all. I’m just saying I want to scream. Maybe that’s all I need to do to feel better - scream!!

Your kids are old enough to have a very frank conversation about basic courtesy, like buying gifts and helping with Christmas preparations if they expect Christmas at home. Mine are 12 and 14 and know I expect them to save part of their allowance for family gifts, and that they need to help with planning things. If they refuse, your kids are young adults and I’d be pleasing myself - and that might include taking myself away for Christmas.

Some restaurants do a takeaway / collection Christmas dinner. Perhaps you could do this for Christmas day with your mum and kid(s) and then escape for the days between Xmas and NY?

Re the just wanting to scream - have you heard of rage rooms or smash rooms?

Very popular with women, can't think why!!

Maxesive Rage Room Guildford – Guildford.org.uk

I think they are dotted about the country if you are not in the south east.

I've not actually been to one but I think I'd really like it!

Can you arrange for your mum to go into respite care, give her carer the time off with theur family too?

If not go away and return on 24th and do not do the whole "christmas" thing, just do a nice dinner on 27th to celebrate as a family.
Christmas is not compulsory!

Yes I’m with you but everyone else thinks it is and expects it. I can’t wait for the day when I can just say ‘no more’ or you do it..