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Original poster

Christmas compromise - who was BU?

35 replies

orangesandcloves · 29/12/2025 09:23

DH, his sibling, me and my parent always (20+ years) spend Christmas Eve at his parents. That's our main Christmas celebration (we're not from UK). This year his mum is very ill, suffering from some strong medicine side effects and can't host. We offered to cook dinner and bring it to them, but she declined.
DH has said prior he would just pop by to say hello and give them our presents, then come home so we would have dinner.
Then the day before he announces he is going to his parents as they invited him and his brother to celebrate together at 7pm, apologising not to have invited others and hoping we'd understand. I was a bit upset by the last minute change as I was expecting my DH to visit them earlier in the day, leaving us enough time to have our Christmas dinner. I said to DH that we agreed we'd compromise that way, to which he got defensive and argued the compromise here is that he goes only for two hours instead of the whole evening.
In the end we ate our dinner at 10pm. Who was BU with Christmas expectations?

OP posts:
SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 29/12/2025 09:26

To exclude two out of six is rude.

Imaginingdragonsagain · 29/12/2025 09:27

I don’t know, if she is really ill I can understand why she wasn’t up to seeing people even if she didn’t have to cook. If she’s ill enough it might be her last christmas, you’ve done a kind thing to let her have a last special christmas with her husband and sons. 🤷‍♀️ I would have eaten with my parent earlier, not waited until 10pm as I’d have been grumpy and starving!

Chasingsquirrels · 29/12/2025 09:30

It is short notice, but his mum is as you say very unwell. I'm sure your DH is worried about her.

Unless you had other plans for Christmas Day itself I'd have just shifted my meal to the next day rather than eat at 10pm.

NotMySanta · 29/12/2025 09:32

He should have gone at 4pm so you could sensibly eat dinner. But I think I’d forgive him, it sounds like his mum was causing the chaos and she is not well.

GloriousGiftBag · 29/12/2025 09:37

His mum is ill. Is it likely her last Christmas?

It is very reasonable of her to only want to see her immediate family and not host.

Your.compromises could have gone a lot further and you could have eaten on a other day when DH wouldn't have felt torn. If you are all healthy adults then you can understand why plans have to change sometimes.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/12/2025 09:37

I dont see any issue accommodating your poorly mother in law but i think you were both unreasonable for not flexing more comfortably.

I would have moved your Christmas dinner to the next day (when he was home and you could eat at a reasonable time).

BlackCat14 · 29/12/2025 09:40

It’s annoying, but if she’s ill, you can understand why she’d rather not have a load of people in her house, and some quiet time with her sons. Was it not an option for your husband to say “7pm doesn’t really work, can we come at 2pm?”
I don’t really get the dinner at 10pm thing though. That surely was a choice? You knew from the day before that they were going at 7pm, so why not eat earlier? More of a Christmas lunch, or mid afternoon meal?

LottieMary · 29/12/2025 10:04

Our Christmas dinner is always around 2 so wouldn’t have been an issue. 10pm is mad - why did t you make it lunch when he said he wanted to see his sick mum?

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/12/2025 10:17

I’d have moved Christmas Day timings around so that the meal was a late lunch, it seems silly to have remained so rigid on that that you ate at 10pm. His mum is unwell, possibly knows her medication schedule makes her feel tired or ill at particular times of day so 7pm was more sensible. Rather than dwell on it I think you’re both going to be happier if you just acknowledge that things like an unwell parent are things you sometimes have to replan around.

Dozer · 29/12/2025 10:23

If MIL’s illness is potentially life threatening she was not U to change her mind about not seeing anyone and to want her and FIL to host only her DC. DH wasn’t U to prioritise doing that over the Christmas meal with his ‘nuclear’ family.

You were U to want him to ‘time box’ it and to delay a big meal at yours - passive aggressive.

If MIL’s illness is less serious it’s more of a grey area.

popcornandpotatoes · 29/12/2025 10:43

Dozer · 29/12/2025 10:23

If MIL’s illness is potentially life threatening she was not U to change her mind about not seeing anyone and to want her and FIL to host only her DC. DH wasn’t U to prioritise doing that over the Christmas meal with his ‘nuclear’ family.

You were U to want him to ‘time box’ it and to delay a big meal at yours - passive aggressive.

If MIL’s illness is less serious it’s more of a grey area.

This was my first thought tbh, Mil is worried it's her last Xmas and wants to spend it with her children. No reason to eat at 10pm that's ridiculous

RabbitsEatPancakes · 29/12/2025 10:48

I can understand not wanting your sons, wife's parent arpund when unwell so I don't think she's being unreasonable.

I find it odd you didn't just move dinner to lunchtime or late afternoon if you knew he was going at 7pm. Almost like you were holding the dinner over him to make him return.

SadSandwich · 29/12/2025 10:51

Why didn’t you eat at lunch or late lunch then?

TheSmallAssassin · 29/12/2025 10:52

One year in over 20 of you having to make a compromise for his ill mother doesn't sound like a big deal to me.

SophiaSW1 · 29/12/2025 11:05

YABU

IWantToSneeze · 29/12/2025 11:07

LottieMary · 29/12/2025 10:04

Our Christmas dinner is always around 2 so wouldn’t have been an issue. 10pm is mad - why did t you make it lunch when he said he wanted to see his sick mum?

In Europe they tend to celebrate on Christmas Eve, with an evening meal.

SatsumaDog · 29/12/2025 11:09

It’s the first year in over 20 this has happened and for a good reason. If MIL is very ill, she probably wasn’t up to having anyone other than her children there. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to have an issue with it. All you did was make things difficult for your DH which imo was a pretty shit thing to do under the circumstances. You should have just moved your meal to the following day.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/12/2025 12:24

In Europe they tend to celebrate on Christmas Eve, with an evening meal.

Yes, we know. And in the UK we tend to celebrate on Christmas Day with a late lunch.

In both cases it is possible to flex the tradition in response to extenuating circumstances.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 29/12/2025 12:27

As Christmas day is the one day of the year where we have our main meal around 2pm the 7pm timing of DH going to visit his DM would have suited me perfectly.

1apenny2apenny · 29/12/2025 12:38

Really cannot understand why you waited until 10pm to eat, presumably you waited for him to come back? If so ridiculous imo and I would have been annoyed if I was a guest. If my DH did this, I would simply say that I hoped his mum was ok and what a shame he was missing Christmas dinner at home.

Fuckssakeagain · 29/12/2025 12:43

If it's once in so many years, I would forgive it. Especially with the sickness. Eems something is not right with the last minute changes as well.
I would absolutely not wait with my Christmas dinner until 10pm though. With presents, yes.

Original poster
orangesandcloves · 29/12/2025 18:23

SadSandwich · 29/12/2025 10:51

Why didn’t you eat at lunch or late lunch then?

DH was working so had time only for a quick shop then straight to his parents. Having Christmas meal the next day was not practical as we drove to our country home where cooking is limited (no oven, but a "bread oven").

OP posts:
Original poster
orangesandcloves · 29/12/2025 18:36

GloriousGiftBag · 29/12/2025 09:37

His mum is ill. Is it likely her last Christmas?

It is very reasonable of her to only want to see her immediate family and not host.

Your.compromises could have gone a lot further and you could have eaten on a other day when DH wouldn't have felt torn. If you are all healthy adults then you can understand why plans have to change sometimes.

She has a potentially life threatening illness, but the treatment is going well and her prognisis is ok. Her health issues come from two different medicines (for two different diagnosis) contradicting each other and there isn't an optimal solution. Doctors are prioritising the most urgent medicine.
I do understand she's not up to seeing other people, I just wasn't expecting her to want to celebrate as usual, given her being that unwell.

OP posts:
50lbstolose · 29/12/2025 18:54

YABVU

let your husband spend Christmas with his sick mother

i don’t understand why you need this to be explained to you

PrimSec · 29/12/2025 19:42

It seems to me as if the problem isn’t really that he went to see his ill DM on Christmas Eve (if that is the issue, then YABU!), but the change of expectations and the lack of acknowledgement.

It sounds like he just changed the plan and then tried to pass it off as what had been agreed. If he’d said it was a change, but could you please accommodate it, I assume you would have done so and wouldn’t feel so aggrieved? I think he was a bit unreasonable to do this, but would give him a pass given the circumstances if he’s usually a decent guy. He must be worried about her and those couple of hours must have meant a lot to them all.