Ex’s non existent Christmas cheer

[Pinkfuzzyoctopus]

Hi,

I need to get this off my chest as I feel so bad for my kids. They went to their Dad’s house on Christmas Day. They were due to be with him for a few hours. He picked them up, went to his house, presents were opened and they returned a couple of hours later. They were both poorly. I didn’t really want them to go as they just couldn’t be bothered but my ex insisted on seeing them.

So, they came back. They showed me their gifts then told me how their Dad just handed them over and then went on his phone and started texting. He did this for pretty much every present, passed them over and carried on texting.

I asked them if they had anything to eat (he had them late afternoon) and they said no as he didn’t have anything in. No food, sweets, drinks etc. He didn’t even have a tree up. No decorations or anything. He was spending Christmas with his new girlfriend so didn’t bother with decorations or food as he was at her house most of the time.

I just feel so bad for my kids. They left their warm, cosy, Christmassy, food and drink packed home to go to his bare, cold house where no food or sweets were offered. They said it was freezing as he didn’t have the heating on. He knew they were both poorly and they were sitting cold in his house, he wasn’t cold so didn’t bother with the heating. They told him they were chilly and he put the heating on but as he has been spending the Christmas with his girlfriend the house has been empty so it didn’t really heat up whilst they were there.

They came home upset, hungry and chilled. They were upset that their Dad didn’t even bother watching them open their presents. His girlfriend was ringing him and texting constantly whilst my children were with him so he spent more time on the phone to her than paying attention to them.

Would it have killed him to just spend a couple of hours focused fully on his kids?

I will note he has never been a present father. Even when we were together, He would just sit on his phone, texting, watching videos, sitting on Facebook etc. He missed out on so many firsts with the kids as he was too busy on his phone.

I just feel so bad for them. They fell asleep when they came back as they were so poorly and I sat watching them sleeping and I sobbed for them. All they wanted was his full attention whilst they were with him and he didn’t bother his arse.

Am I being over the top in thinking this is unacceptable?

Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas ❤️ x

Of course not. He sounds shit.

I think now you reassure them they don’t have to do it again and focus on providing a safe loving home

Try not to upset yourself too much as they will take their cues from you.

yes it was completely shit of him, but it was only a couple of hours and is his loss.

you will have given them a lovely Christmas, focus on that.

How old are they? May not be long until they can tell him why they don’t want to visit.
At least they have one parent that puts them first. I feel for all the ones that have nothing and nobody. Yours will be fine. Don’t feel bad. They were at least safe and he did at least see them and get them gifts.

It is shit of him but they’ll vote with their feet soon enough and he won’t see them at all. If you expect him to behave any differently from how he did when you were together, you’ll always be disappointed. I wouldn’t cry about it. I’d laugh. He’s never going to have a good relationship with them. You will always be the important one in their lives. They’re home now. Warm and sleeping. It was just a couple of hours over Christmas. You’ve got plenty of time for them to get better and enjoy some time together before they go back to school.

Unfortunately op there will be many many kids for whom the entirety of Christmas will have been in a home like your ex's, without presents.

Yours had a good chunk of cheer at home with you. They'll figure out their dad soon enough, I promise.

They are 10 and 12. They hate visiting him. He treats them like crap. My 12 year old has already started to refuse to see him. I know they are lucky in that they got presents and I provided a lovely Christmas for them. It breaks my heart to think that some kids don’t have anything. I just get frustrated with him as he is so lucky to have them. They are no bother but he seems to resent them. He is an awful human.

Try not to let it get to you too much. Mine are a little older than yours and whilst they do see ex, they absolutely know who it is that actually really knows them, gives a shit and makes an effort. They had a couple of hours out, the rest is all with you and lovely Christmas stuff. I increasingly ignore my ex, dont bother updating or consulting as he rarely responds or asks for info and just get on witb it. It gets easier and yours are getting old enough to act on their own preferences in terms of seeing him or not. Next year, maybe suggest a boxing day visit, or not, if they don't want to. He has no "right" to see them at this age, they have right to access if they want it.

He’s an ex for a reason, and I guess you probably know in your heart this behaviour is normal for him. He will be the loser in the long run.

It is understandable to feel hurt on their behalf. Use this experience to mitigate what you can. Send them with extra clothes and food next time - whatever you can think of.

You know saying anything won’t change things, so save your breath.