When did you start doing your own Christmas day traditions?

[sellotape12]

Couple, 41, baby and toddler. For the last few years we’ve packed up our car, driven hundreds of miles only to feel exhausted and like effort isn’t reciprocated (none of our siblings will budge; would never come to us).

So wondered when/ if you shifted to doing your own Christmas? And does the house just feel empty if it’s just the 3/4/5 of you? I think I’m thinking this because I leave Christmas week feeling shattered and honestly a bit sad… like it’s only us that makes the effort every year. My sister-in-law will never not go to her husband‘s family dinner. My own sister wants to stay at her own house. My parents are easy either way, but getting on a bit. And my in-laws are deeply religious and don’t believe that Christmas is about merrymaking.

I guess I just feel jealous because all of our friends seem to have those kind of families with big houses in the countryside where all the siblings and cousins pile in together like a home alone movie. I know we need to shift things because the people-pleasing just isn’t working out for us, but I wondered what the philosophy or trigger was that makes it work for you?

We started when we had dc. We invite anyone who wants to come to us, but we stay at home and do things our way.

We never went out on Christmas Day growing up and people came to us. We have done a mixture of hosting and visiting.
But there’s never an issue if we want to stay at home, people are welcome to join us.
Im amazed at the stresses people go through for Christmas!!

As soon as we got married. We have made sure not to have a rhythm that could have been seen as set in concrete during our thirty year marriage. We invite people...friends, family, waifs and strays. Sometimes it was just us. Resetting my expectations when our children were younger was key.

Probably when eldest dc was 2. She’s 12 now, nearly 13. To be fair, this was more out of necessity. For complex reasons, we are not able to go to MIL’s house (and are not invited). I don’t have any family. None of dh’s siblings would ever host us for lack of space, money and motivation.

So pretty much since eldest was a toddler, we have always done Christmas and if we see anyone, they come to us.

I’d actually love if someone else offered to host. I wouldn’t want to go every year and I would want to be in our house for Christmas morning and travel for the meal only (maybe stay over). But it’s just never going to happen.

We did the same as you until we had our second child, then we stayed at home. It felt too hard to pack everything and move it cross country, and we wanted to have Xmas in our own home. We still travel and see family after Xmas when their is less stuff to bring

When we got married.
Our parents agreed with us that we were now our own family and should start our own, new traditions.

We went to our respective parents some years of course but the default option was staying at home.
Boxing day is traditionally the day for visiting and we generally stick to that.

Ok thanks everyone. It’s time. I think I went out comparing myself to others at Christmas when a lot of our friendship circle has younger parents, close relationships with siblings and so on. Encouraging to see from other threads that people find this time of year really hard!

My dc are adults, we are all at my parents (biggest house) including my siblings, and my dc’s dh, no children yet. We know this is time limited as my parents are obviously older but mum still loves doing it

When my df died
He never, ever left his house on Christmas day(but he was a loving and generous host). After he died we went to mum the first year so we could see other family, but after that she came to us. We've always encouraged the dc to do what they liked, they wont offend us.

My DS turned two in December and this year we have decided to start doing things our way. Last year we drove across the country, he was poorly, just turned one, struggled to sleep in a different house and was made to fit into other adults timings. He was grumpy and just wanted to cuddle me the whole time, I didn’t get to eat Christmas dinner with anyone and spent most of the day other on a walk or sitting in a spare room. This year we are in our own house, super relaxed, keeping generally to normal routine and as a bonus our dog is super happy this year as likes being at home. Honestly best decision we made. We are seeing plenty of family over the Christmas period but there’s no pressure of ‘the big day and it being perfect’.

We did the whole packing up Christmas and travelling until DD1 was 2. We then had my DGM and DPs one year.

For the last 15 years it’s just been us, me, DH and DDs on Christmas Day. It’s bloody bliss. We’ve created our own traditions, it’s super chilled, and we all love it. We do plenty of seeing family, friends and neighbours across the festive season.

We used to alternate between my mams house, my dad's house and my mother in laws house but we decided that when we had kids we would stop people pleasing and just do what suits us. We've spent the last 2 years just me, my husband and our son and it's absolute bliss! No one to please, no one to cater to, no one to judge when toddler gets overwhelmed or tired or eats pringles instead of Christmas dinner haha. You'll love it!

As soon as we had a child. I trailed around visiting relations when I was small, and hated it. We have Xmas in our own home, and anyone who wants can visit. I’ve told all our children that there will never be any expectation placed on them when they get older and have families (or not). They need to create their own traditions too.

The year covid cancelled big family Christmases when we had just one child we changed it to be just us or just us and a couple of easy going family members for a few hours at ours or theirs (local). Hard work side of the family miles away wait till Boxing Day now. We love our Christmas day with just us plus one elderly relative. The kids open gifts at home and play with them; we have turkey and all the trimmings and it's delicious, we have a walk, some drinks and watch some Chrismas TV.

We’ve not really changed much. DP had a somewhat shit childhood thanks to his mum being a narcissistic mental abuser. So he didn’t really wanna pass on any traditions. He said they were military style anyway so wouldn’t put his kids through that, We’ve mostly done my childhood traditions, except for a few tweeks they’ve mostly stayed the same. They only thing I’ve implemented with dc is they open thier stockings in our bed with us, one by one. Mostly to give us some time to actually wake up but love the look on thier faces. They love it. They are 17 & 13 and still love it. When I was younger stockings were free reign so we could open them when we wanted 🙃

When I moved out from my parents. I moved to my now-DH, 600km away and work in an industry where holiday is basically impossible to get from mid-December onwards.

So we did our own thing. Then we moved abroad, visiting was even more difficult so unless my mum flew we were 90% of the years on our own.

It's great, no pressure, no fuss, we try to see them early in December or even the maniac weekend visit or they came to us on the 27th.

I have a family who totally understands that it's just the way it is and never say a word. Do they miss us? Yes, I am sure, similar to us missing them but after nearly 30 years it just the way it is.

it got too much for my dh and I mid thirties with a toddler travelling between both sets of parents who both lived hours away.
it’s the 3 of us and it’s the most magical day, we spoil our daughter eat what we want ( both parents far more rigid in terms of eating than us) when we want, we have created our own traditions and have a much better time than if we were with either of our parents. We see them in the lead up to Xmas and Boxing Day onwards but nothing compares to having that precious time the three of us.
Big family xmas’s having to people please are not for us!!

Ok thanks! I would like to do it as the four of us next year. But couple of questions as some of you have mentioned adding in relative visits after boxing day:

• …What if you have no family nearby at all? Do you invite parents or whatever to stay a few days after or before Christmas?
• What if none of your siblings will come visit? Still expect us to come to them if we want to see them (we are in London, both extended families are in Lancs.)
• How do I stop the comparison to all our local mates who seem to pile to their middle-age, wealthy parents’ country houses for a full week? This is such an issue of mine! And seems to be a very London thing; lost count of how many times last week I heard “yeah heading to my folks in Devon for open fires, cooking on the aga and woodland walks” / “yah we are all going to my mum’s in rural Sussex with all the cousins as they have sooo much space!” 😐 I have such class envy!

If you have no family nearby you pick a couple of days to invite them that suits you. The last couple of years I’ve travelled to stay with sibling and family for a long weekend mid December, we have a great time with no particular pressures.

Other siblings do what they want. If they won’t take a turn that’s a shame but doesn’t mean you have to do all the running. My younger siblings are cheeky feckers but I decided a long time ago I wouldn’t chase after them.

The comparison thing you just have to suck it up. It can’t be the only thing that makes you aware others have more family money than you.

@sellotape12 I don‘t have friends with country estates. I have one set of friends whose parents own a large, drafty farmhouse where everyone is expected to help out when they all descend for Christmas.

They enjoy the week as it‘s paradise for the children but they already think that the pre-teens are getting a bit bored as it‘s rural and isolated.

@sellotape12 -both sides of the family live far away, one in northern France and the other 2.5 hrs drive away. My parents came in the lead up to Xmas and then we went to in-laws on Boxing Day. This day up will change year to year with regards to who goes where, we just ask the parents beforehand if they have a preference but we will always spend Xmas at home the three of us We love having Xmas day to ourselves and not having to choose who to spend it with.

can’t comment on the sibling one as there is only one ego is unmarried so less complicated for us

re your final point, remember comparison is the third of joy. I still do it all the time but check myself and realise it’s totally pointless and to focus of my life, and what I am grateful for. Xxxx

It was the second child for us.

Thank you so much, everyone. At the joyless in-laws now and definitely realising that we need to do things for our own family next year. We’ll have a 10 month old and a 4.5-year-old who will definitely know about Christmas and will want their own bed. We spent 10 years of our relationship travelling up and down and people-pleasing and we feel exhausted and never feel like we’ve had a really good time.

Glad to see so many people just have Christmas as the three of them at home. I’m happy to do that. I have to remind myself that it’s a holiday and therefore it’s meant to be a break for you/ me/us. I did have an old school friend who goes to the Maldives every Boxing Day…not quite in my budget range 😂😂 but a lovely idea for her kids.

We spent DD’s first Christmas at my in laws, but every one since then we’ve had at home - in-laws invited and anyone else who wants to come invited (which usually means my aunt who would otherwise be alone) but we’re not going anywhere else Christmas Day.

My parents died before I even met DH. My 3 siblings are much older than me, they have 8 grown up children between them closer to my age and most have their own partners and children now so it’s just too big for everyone to get together on Christmas Day, and everyone has in laws and other obligations so nobody gets stressed about not all being together.

We see each other over the Christmas period - I had one sister and all her kids/ grandkids over yesterday as hosted a party for one of their birthdays and also served as our Christmas get together. Travelling a couple of hours tomorrow to get together with cousins and other siblings. I love seeing everyone and am glad we do it, but also feel shattered and fantasise about going away just the 3 of us for the entire period sometimes!