A Telling Off

[DinoLil]

To all of you fabulous mums, you are doing your damned hardest, having sleepless nights, counting gifts, worrying about food (enough, not enough, enough drinks, soft drinks, veggie options, desserts, starters), from me to all of you - it's enough.

You are literally going to the moon and back, you're falling over yourselves to make sure everything is perfect. And it absolutely will be.

If anyone says different, then simply say that's a shame and point them to the door. Smile and wave them off. Whoever they are.

It doesn't matter if you're having baked beans on toast for lunch, anyone you are hosting should be grateful for your company. Not the food or drinks or gifts.

I've been there. I've done all the grand Christmas expectations when I couldn't afford it. I missed out on my DC enjoying themselves with people when i was hosting and I juggled sprouts and the turkey in the kitchen. Now I'm 54 and having another solo Christmas. Please know that it's not about you flogging yourself half to death, missing out on the fun and getting into debt. It's just another day.

Enjoy the people you're with. Not just next Thursday. Every day. And if you're not with family or friends, are on your own, try and go out for a walk if you can. Say hello to people and, if you live near me, let's go for a picnic! Nothing wrong with mince pies and a flask of mulled wine.

Have a lovely time. Know you are great and you really are enough xrl

It's a nice sentiment but I'm not sure anyone is going to accept an invitation to Christmas lunch with only beans on toast on offer.

And I would also hope this is aimed more towards single 'fabulous mums', because if they're living with a DP or DH they shouldn't be doing all this alone anyway.

If that is all the host is able to provide and share with them, they should accept it gratefully.

My point is, they're hardly likely to accept the invitation are they?

So as nice as the sentiment is, no-one's going to be dishing up beans on toast unless both the host and the invitee are on the bones of their arse.

And if they are, I imagine they'd be very grateful anyway.

@OhBumBagsWomen with partners, financial and domestic abuse, they are probably doing it alone.

Please don't assume that anyone who is in a relationship is sharing the load.

I've just read so much angst again this year.

@OhBumBags I suspect you don't have as many grey hairs as me! Enjoy your family and have a wonderful Christmas.

It's tough for so many people. I'm happy that you have loving support around you.

I was single and lived in a different country to family for many Christmases. I was lucky enough to be invited for lunch with various friends / family of friends and I can promise you I’d have accepted if lunch were a bag of crisps and a can of lemonade.

I do agree with your point about any decent DH / DP making some of the OP redundant though.

I have no idea about hair but I'm 56 if that's what you're asking?

As I said, the sentiment is nice but I was rather hoping the 'telling off' might also be for women who run around after their DH's/DPs and don't expect them to lift a finger.

That's important for women to remember too and I'm not talking about those in abusive relationships.

There are far too many women doing far too much while their husband does bugger all.

@CheeseWiselyExactly! It is all about being with people who matter and it is so sad seeing women here just beating themselves up because when a crisp sarnie would be lovely. Especially if you didn't have to make it yourself!

Yes, sounds all very fluffy and another word that escapes me, but, having been there, done that, trying to keep people happy when we are not happy.

@OhBumBagsI apologise, I didn't get what you meant. But you're right. My DIL always did the organising for over 10yrs. From the age of 16. For her family, for DS, me, even my old dog. She and DS broke up at the start of year (sort have got back together again) and who.do I get a phone call from earlier? Yep, DS. What would his GPs like as gifts and for their birthdays, he bought a card, he's in the shop right now so if I could tell him...

But that aside. We do get so caught up with it all. It doesn't matter. It's not a competition, it's not about how many gifts or what food. I wish old me had told young me to sod the washing up, the starters, the fancy crackers and just get on my hands and knees on the floor with the DC and just enjoy them. Or the dog or parents or neighbours. Just try and relax more.

It all goes so fast.

I did hope that I'd brought my DSs up to be better. They always cooked, did their rooms, washing from about 8yrs old. I have told DS that it's not on to rely on DIL. I never did that, he shouldn't expect her to. But she does.

Until now she doesn't.

So I told DS to consider his budget, what would GPs find useful, don't do food stuff, be thoughtful. To think.

And at that point I went off to make myself baked beans on toast. Yes, really!

Well done for not rolling over and doing your DS’s thinking for him OP. I hope to raise my DS to simply know that his responsibilities are HIS responsibilities. Hopefully the fact that DH certainly does will set a good example. The only time I’ve ever got involved in presents for his side of the family are ordering a second copy of photobook of DS pictures for his Mum when I’d made one for mine, and guiding purchases for his teen nieces as I simply have more of an idea of what they’d like in terms of cosmetics etc than he does. Everything outside of that is a him problem.

Why are you having a solo Christmas @DinoLil? Is that your choice? I hope so, otherwise it's a bit sad that you're not celebrating with your family.

Thanks op, I know you will have a lovely Christmas x

@Didshejustsaythatoutloud Thank you! And you as well. Have a fabulous time!

@CheeseWisely You can't set a better example than that!

@333FionaG No, not by choice. I had to downsize and had to move a few hours away from my family in doing so. It's not possible for my family to stay with me as it requires ferry travel which don't run on Christmas day, plus I dont have enough spare beds! (I always hosted the 15 of us), DSis now hosts my DPs and I can't go to hers because she has a cat and I have a serious allergy to cats. DS alternate Christmas with their partners divorced parents so I get a one in three years. I'm lucky to have fabulous friends but they are spending it with their families, as they should.

It's not until you are on your own that you look back, roll your eyes and think 'why?!'. We put so much pressure on ourselves, rarely appreciated, when we have always done so much. We've done enough. And more than.

Merry Christmas! I'm off to eat some more cheese, a mince pie and more cheese. Because I can and I don't have to fight anyone else for it!

Not being snippy but it’s not just fabulous mums doing all this stuff. I’m childfree and still sorting gifts, hosting a million people and trying to make everything perfect for an awful lot of people. Do I just have to suck it up because I’ve not procreated?

Lovely post. I hope you have a lovely Christmas day doing the things you’ll enjoy most ♥️

Oh @bostonchamps You're absolutely right! All the juggling, the worrying, are we keeping our friends happy, our colleagues, our siblings. You don't have to have children, grandchildren or parents to try to keep happy and hope you've done enough that everyone goes home going yay, what a brilliant day and you're lying on the kitchen floor at 2am too tired to move. You need to enjoy yourself as well.

I'm so sorry that I got that wrong. But you are right. The whole pressure of it all - it's ridiculous. Is the tree looking decorated correctly, are my lights up too early/late/naff. It's exhausting.

I apologise. But, you are still very much included in the telling off! You are doing a wonderful, loving, appreciated Christmas. Never think otherwise. I just wanted to say that everything is enough and never think otherwise.

Urgh, I sound so sanctimonious and that's not at all what I meant with this thread. Just wanted to say you are ALL fabulous, mums, dads, daughters, sons, siblings, grandparents - all of you. Just everyone who is worrying about presents and food and the whole damn thing. Consider yourself told off because its all enough. You've done amazing things.

I'm off to eat some more cheese now and try and forget my own Christmas failings!

@OhRight7 Thank you!! I shall raise some cheese, a cracker and a sprout to you! Have a lovely time yourself XX

Thank you ♥️ x