AITA because I want to host my parents for Christmas dinner?

[Overthinker331]

So I am one of 4. My parents have 17 grandchildren, my DC are 6 and 3. My parents have been to the same sisters’ house for Christmas dinner, for quite a few years now. They have never been to mine. Given there is so many of us and none of us have a big house, it’s unrealistic for us all to have dinner together, but we do all squeeze in her house later in the day to exchange gifts etc.
I would really like to host my parents instead for one Christmas, so I have asked a year in advance, if maybe we could do that next year.
When my mum told my sister I had asked, my sister rang me being very rude and said I’m sneaky for even suggesting such a thing, as I already know they spend Christmas at her house, and that if I want dinner with them, then I should go to her house too, but I shouldn’t take them from her and her children.
I understand she would feel like she’s missing out on them being there, but that’s how I feel every year.
It’s don’t think it’s a realistic offer for us to go hers as there really isn’t the space and my DC would rather be at home where they can play with their new toys.

Im overthinking now whether I’m rude to ask them.
AITA for wanting to be able to alternate Christmases between us all? Should I just leave as is ‘normal’, or am I being fair wanting to also be able to have them for Christmas sometimes?

I should add that they also go there on Christmas Eve, and Boxing Day, so I feel it would be a problem even if I chose one of them days.

Can you ask your sister too? To come to yours?

You wasn’t rude at all, your DSis is acting like she’s the boss of the family. You did everything in a very polite way and invited your parents for next year so everyone has lots of notice to prepare for changes.

Unfortunately not, because there is 10 of them at her house and I only have a small 2 bedroom house 🤦🏻‍♀️

What do your parents themselves actually think? What do they want to do? Surely they get some say here. Do they want to go to one of you? Which one? Or they could be fed up of being caught in the middle of all of the arguing and tittle tattle and decide to stay at home for a quiet Christmas this year. They do have agency themselves and they should use it.

It looks at the moment like they probably will go to your sister's again. I can see why you could feel a bit put out but I'd just enjoy Christmas with your DH and your own nuclear family.

I'm afraid I would see it as a bit of a result and would feel let off the hook. I'm not you, I know. I'd honestly just let all of them get on with it.

Unfortunately not, because there is 10 of them and I only have a small 2 bedroom house 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you for that!

I didn’t want to cause any upheaval this year with Christmas being close, and thought it was better to ask in advance for next year to save any issues, but it’s happened to still be a problem 😞

Your sister sounds like she never learned to share. She clearly feels entitled to have it all her own way, and that would annoy me immensely. What really matters here is whether your parents would want to alternate rather than doing the same every year - if they would, then I’d probably invest a bit more in pushing back on her entitlement and trying to prevent her from guilt-tripping them. If they’re not keen either, then I’d be quite hurt and probably distance myself from the lot of them. Playing favourites is always wrong.

I’d say ask your parents what they’d like to do but I have a feeling your sister is the type of person who throws tantrums and your parents would go to her for a quiet life and to not upset her . It’s definitely an unfair set up and you were not sneaky to ask .

Thanks for the reply. My mum seemed happy when I asked and said “Yes, why not, that would be nice”. She has since said she doesn’t know what she will do now, if it’s going to be a problem with my sister.

She also said that unfortunately sometimes it’s easier to disappoint me than my sister, because I will make less of a deal of it, which kind of annoyed me more. I think you’re probably right and she will still go there.

We have beautiful quiet little christmases just the 4 of us 🥰 I just thought it would be extra special for DC having the grandparents for a change.

Your sister has 8 kids?? I wonder if she has got used to your parents helping out practically at Christmas. She’s being ridiculous anyway

Your sister needs to stop being a little princess, and your mum needs to grow a backbone!!!

Your sister is a selfish bitch and your mum is not being fair . I suggest you kick off too .

Of course it’s not rude and did you point out the very same to your sister? That you don’t have the pleasure of hosting your parents as they are at fees every year and it would be nice to have them even if just the once? Snd it’s your parents decision whether they come or not, not hers. And if she lays a guilt trip on them shame on her.

@Overthinker331 “She also said that unfortunately sometimes it’s easier to disappoint me than my sister, because I will make less of a deal of it, which kind of annoyed me more. I think you’re probably right and she will still go there.”

This will be true but is deeply unfair. The question is how much more of your life are you prepared to be expected to be the bigger person by your parents.

My advice is put this on the back burner until the New Year. Then sit down with your Mum and ask her again. Be prepared to push back and ask why if you always make less of a deal of it should you always lose out. It’s a difficult conversation but if you don’t say anything nothing will change.