AIBU to not buy nieces & nephews presents?

[Greyrock2828]

We live abroad and our DS is the youngest our of his cousins. For the 8 years before DS came along I always made sure to send birthday cards, presents and Christmas presents to nieces/nephews (DH side) and always on time. Rarely received a thank you or acknowledgement. Since our DS arrived, the same effort has not been reciprocated. It's always "oh but you live overseas and its expensive to post" and either nothing is sent or we are told there's a gift they've bought but we can pick it up next time we visit (we dont visit often as its difficult to get to, or a gift turns up 2 months late. We are now at the stage that I just feel that "if you can't be bothered then neither can I" as this week I've had a message from DSIL saying shall we just give money as its easier and I'm thinking what's the point in us each transferring money across to each other. Just feels lazy, a box ticking exercise on her part and we don't really speak post family fall out. I did reply to her msg this evening but told her to speak to DH because I'm fed up of being expected to organise all of the gift giving for everyone, why is it perceived as the females job to buy DHs family presents??!

Stop being a victim. Talk and agree with your husband who gets what eg you do your side he does his side of the family, can be just presents or as far as all contact. Don’t buy the nephews etc presents if you don’t want to.

my brothers are bad at remembering my kids, I just buy a token gift from them so my children know who their uncles r and that they r loved, I used to be resentful now I just think what works for my kids, I am not resentful now my kids aren’t adversely affected. My brothers are fab at other things though, eg calling regularly and spending quality time together when we meet up

@wafflesmgee I'm not being a victim, I'm just peed off with the whole thing. I haven't bought his family any presents this year and I've told DH to organise himself. We don't hear from them, they don't call, I haven't seen them for over 2 years apart from his mum who does make an effort. She's the only one who's visited us in the 7 years we've been abroad.

I had exactly this. I sent a message and we stopped. I got fed up and it was one way. I would put it lots of effort choosing and posting and they’d either forget or order some shite if Amazon late.

@Bankquestions how did you word it? Were they ok with it?

I think you are being unreasonable about the visiting - if you’ve moved abroad you’d expect to make more of the effort visiting? If it’s difficult to get to them it would have been difficult for them to get to you? And presumably fhey had youngish kids at the time. You’re not unreasonable to stop presents though.

I’d reply to DSIL and say that it seems silly transferring money, let’s just plan to do something nice with the cousins together when we’re next over.

@Imaginingdragonsagain well we have visited with a small child maybe 10 times in 7 years and they have never visited. We've also joined them on family holidays abroad in an effort to spend time together. And when we travel to visit them the jounery is only difficult because once out of the airport we have to get an hour taxi journey to where they live as no public transport route. They drive so could drive to the airport if they were travelling which is what they normally do when they go on holidays abroad. They are also unwilling to meet in say London as that is easier to fly into, and relatively short train journey for them. My feeling is we have made a lot of effort which was not reciprocated and now I can't be bothered. I was a SAHM before so more time to pander to others but now I work full time i can't be bothered to make an effort for people who don't do the same for me.

I actually wrote a post on here as well about it 😂.

I basically said…. After they forgot both our kids birthdays. First one sent a late Amazon present and Moonpig card and second child totally forgotten (who is only a few days after our eldests )…

hey hope you’re all ok. Going forward with presents , we think instead of sending presents that maybe when we see each other we could do an activity / day out with all the children instead for both birthdays and Christmas in one.

I was conscious I didn’t want to make excuses like … it’s hard remembering etc as we never forgot and always planned it! It was them so my message wasn’t apologising and I gave no option and just said this is what we’ll do going forward. I fully expect we will never go for a joint day out but it cushioned the blow and deflected it.

@Bankquestions that's perfect I'll do that, thanks!