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Original poster

What’s fair? Asking DP to contribute

24 replies

Levithecat · 17/12/2025 13:47

DP and I don’t live together but have been together for 4 years. He’s joining me and my family for 4 nights away.

My parents have paid for the accommodation as a gift, and so far me and my folks have ordered/planned all food.

DP is generally generous and very kind. He’ll have got lovely gifts for everyone. But we come from very different backgrounds and he would never ever think to spend the kind of money we do on food. He hasn’t offered to contribute yet, I assume he just hasn’t thought of it yet (lives alone and doesn’t plan food much), but I want to raise it with him.

how do I calculate how much to ask him to contribute? I doubt we’ll have meals out (which would be one way to contribute) because of my youngest’s ASD.

Overall I’ll have spent about 180, and imagine my folks about the same - all in let’s say £400. He’d be utterly shocked by that, and would probably have spent £60 for the same items.

short story long, how much should I suggest he contribute? It’s my choice to spend more on food and drinks, but he will enjoy it all.

thanks!

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 17/12/2025 13:48

If he was invited somewhere and had no say in the very expensive food I don’t think it’s particularly fair to ask him to contribute.

How many people will be eating?

Upsetbetty · 17/12/2025 13:50

Why not ask him to bring drinks/snacks instead?

LadyDanburysHat · 17/12/2025 13:50

PinkFrogss · 17/12/2025 13:48

If he was invited somewhere and had no say in the very expensive food I don’t think it’s particularly fair to ask him to contribute.

How many people will be eating?

I agree with this. Why haven't you discussed what you are buying with him before you bought it? You have not included him in the planning but now want to ask for money. It seems quite unfair.

Peonies12 · 17/12/2025 13:51

it seems a bit unfair to just ask him for money without him being involved in the planning? But why not just say to him, we are spending xx on food, would you be happy to contribute, and see what he says.

zipadeedodah · 17/12/2025 13:51

You really should have discussed this with him before spending the money.

What you've done, in effect, is spend his money without his permission.

ldnmusic87 · 17/12/2025 13:51

He needed to be included in meal planning from the start, you can't just ask for money after you've planned expensive meals.

EBoo80 · 17/12/2025 13:51

The only acceptable way is to delegate one thing (drinks, cheese, crisps and nuts) to him and be quite specific about quantity. My exes extended family used to do this sort of thing and then invoice each other. I think that approach is sociopathic.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2025 13:52

You can’t spend his money for him then send him a bill. As you say, it’s your choice to have a splurge, enjoy, but it’s not like he can avoid eating your posh food if it’s all communal so you can’t ask him now when you could have discussed it with him before. Suggest he brings a couple of bottles your parents will like or some biscuits or something.

ForLoveNotMoney · 17/12/2025 13:54

It’s far too late OP. This should have been sorted when the invite was offered, not now. I’d be very annoyed if I’d been invited away as a gift then asked to contribute to expenses I had no say in.

Original poster
Levithecat · 17/12/2025 13:56

I’m very grateful that the responses are unanimous! Thanks all.
yes I agree it’s not fair. In my defence he’s very laid back and chooses not to be involved in planning.
I really like @EBoo80 and @Upsetbetty ‘s suggestion of delegating something to him. I can still edit the online shop so could ask him to cover treats and snacks maybe.

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 17/12/2025 14:05

I wouldn't ask for any financial contribution at all if you invited him along. It sounds like he's one person out of at least six (2 parents, you and at least 2 of your children), and I presume he's sharing your room, so he won't be significantly adding to the costs. I'd say the decent gifts you say he's bringing will be enough of a contribution from him..

JLou08 · 17/12/2025 14:14

You should have involved him. If I was going away I'd expect that we were doing the shopping there or eating out. I wouldn't really like it if I turned up and all food had been ordered without me having any input.

Minnie798 · 17/12/2025 14:21

Upsetbetty · 17/12/2025 13:50

Why not ask him to bring drinks/snacks instead?

I think this is the best idea.

GingerKombucha · 17/12/2025 14:24

I'd ask him to bring something like cheese or champagne - bit mean to ask for money.

frozendaisy · 17/12/2025 14:46

If he’s laid back just decide on a figure and ask him for that amount
just ask nicely “hey honey we’ve done an order for food for holiday can I get £60 as your contribution, you don’t have to do anything just hand over some cash”

my laid back H would be over the moon if handing over cash was all he had to do

Hello39 · 17/12/2025 14:54

Ask him how he wants to contribute...e.g. bring drinks and snacks (give suggested quantities) or give money towards the online order

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 17/12/2025 14:57

I think you should pay both your shares and leave his contribution as the generous gifts he's bought.

SchrodingersKoala · 17/12/2025 15:02

If you wanted him to chip in with everyone else you involve him at the planning stage so he gets a say in what is being bought, you can't bill him £100 because you and your family like expensive cheese and wine, like you say he'd never spend so much on food. You could ask him to bring some snacks or wine along that way he has chosen it, but asking for him to pay for what you've already chosen and bought isn't very good etiquette.

FuzzyWolf · 17/12/2025 15:05

You can’t invite someone, rack up a significant food bill without pre consultation and agreement, and then expect them to pay towards it.

Given he’s been invited rather than included as a group with the expectations made clear at the time it was arranged, really the gifts and a token bottle of wine should suffice.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/12/2025 15:10

So you’ve spent £100 per day on food? I’d be excited to hear your menu!

SarahAndQuack · 17/12/2025 15:20

If you invite someone, the implication is that you are paying. I would expect an invitee to bring a gift for the host(s), but not more. I think it is cheeky to ask him to contribute anything, TBH.

If your family Christmas is usually organised as 'come along and contribute part of the food' then next year, you need to explain this before you invite him.

PurpleThistle7 · 17/12/2025 15:38

In this specific scenario where he's had no say about the splurges and you invited him to join you I wouldn't ask for anything. Could possibly say something like 'could you pick up a few bottles of red to bring along' or whatever drink makes sense but it would be odd to me to expect him to subsidise food he had no say in and is so far beyond what he'd think is reasonable.

YourJustGreyQuoter · 17/12/2025 15:38

I can't imagine paying loads more for basic Xmas food and then also being willing to ask my guests to contribute. I'd be mortified to have to do that. I obviously can't afford the tyoe of lifestyle I want to be seen as leading.

Original poster
Levithecat · 17/12/2025 15:41

Thanks again everyone - iabu (glad I didn’t post there!). I’ll ask him if he’s happy to buy some stuff but I won’t push it.

OP posts:
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