Feeling isolated and low this Christmas with baby and toddler

[UniqueLilacTiger]

I have two lovely DC, ages 2 and 6 months. The transition to two has been quite intense and I'm knackered.

Today with DH we went out for a walk in our local area – there was feral wind and rain all afternoon, it had been a fraught morning at home and it was one of those 'let's just get out of the house and go somewhere' walks to try to get the baby to have a much-needed nap in the pram and get some fresh air for the toddler and honestly just kill an hour or so. The weather was grim but we wrapped up and got a few bits we needed for dinner from the shops.

While we were in town I suddenly just felt so low. All the bars and restaurants were lit up and the whole town was looking so festive, with people meeting up for lunch, drinks, shopping etc. I suddenly felt so isolated and locked out of it all, walking up and down the streets trying to find my DH who was doing laps with the double pram while I bought potatoes, lol. We don't really have a support network and we haven't had any time together since DC2 was born. To be honest we had very little babysitting from family even when it was just DC1, so we haven't really had the freedom to do that kind of thing for knocking on for 3 years now. I know this is normal and it usually doesn't bother me too much, but it just sort of hit me today. I would consider a babysitter for DC1 but the baby is too young for me to be comfortable leaving them with anyone other than family (who don't want to babysit currently).

I've been feeling a bit flat in general – we've been getting by on 4-5ish hours of broken sleep for several months now, and I'm touched out, burnt out and overwhelmed with the logistics of getting through each day. I'm deep into mat leave: between weaning, potty training, breastfeeding, sterilising, trying to fit in their naps and making sure everyone is fed, washed, entertained and wearing clean clothes, I feel done in. It doesn't feel like there's much to enjoy at the moment if you know what I mean. I know it will get better, but right now it feels very hard. I suppose we're in a bit of a no-man's land as DC1 is still a bit young to fully grasp Xmas so we haven't entered those magical years yet with school nativities and parties etc. Even the thought of getting Chrstmassy at home feels stressful as I know they'll just be pulling all the decorations off the tree and throwing baubles around. DC2 is up a lot in the evenings so we haven't even had any downtime really, we usually just do shifts with the baby, so no chance to even watch a Christmas film and make the most of not being able to go out or anything like that.

Is it normal to feel like this at this time of year, in this stage of life, and to find Christmas with young children quite hard and quite lonely? I know how lucky I am, when there are so many truly lonely people out there. Just feeling flat I suppose.

YANBU. I felt the same when our two were 2 and 6 months old. I was so sleep deprived in the run-up to that Christmas that I had for the only time in my life a couple of weeks where I didn’t want to drive alone anywhere to meet friends. I stayed at home as a 4 on Christmas Day as I didn’t want to think of what to pack to go anywhere.

I promise this all gets easier as they get a bit older, and I am sending you support, solidarity and my best wishes for some time to relax for you this Christmas 💐

It does get easier when the older one is 3 or 4 and really starts to get and enjoy Christmas activities. At two they don't need much. DS is now 4 and gets it more.

I remember putting up the tree when DS was 2ish and he only wanted to hurl the baubles! And thinking m why am I bothering? I'd dial it down this year whilst you are in survival mode.

Do you have any childcare in the week so you can have a nice mooch around the shops with the baby? Would your budget stretch to doing a light trail one early evening?

It’s really hard work and what you are feeling is normal, especially with limited support from family. Sending hugs. Be kind to yourself, one day at a time…

I remember feeling very sleep deprived when my children were young babies. Lack of sleep can make you feel very low but your baby will sleep through the night soon. Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP about how you feel. I used to go to mother and baby/ toddler groups where both myself and kids socialised. Hope you feel happier and less tired soon.

Going to work is easier than being at home with small kids all day, at least if you’re at work you get to have a break to go to the loo and get some lunch, and chat with other adults. And everyone would feel bad on the amount of sleep you are getting.
So, prioritise you getting more sleep, either by splitting night shifts with DH, so that one of you is in another room with the baby while the other one sleeps, or by cosleeping which means you can feed the baby without getting up, which should make it easier to go back to sleep. I used to reckon it would take me 12 hours to get 8 hours sleep, is that something you can make time for? It’s difficult when you’ve got 2, and lots of toddlers are still not sleeping through at 2. It might mean starting your own bedtime earlier, or letting the baby doze with you and DH while you are watching a film.
Also, make sure DC1 is properly worn out. Get them walking as much as you can rather than being in the pram. If DC1 still has an afternoon nap, can you get some sleep then?
The other thing I would recommend is finding people with children similar ages to your to hang out with, it breaks up the day if you have someone else to go to the park with, or moan about how tired you are over a cuppa in your kitchen.
Then grit your teeth. It does get better, but you will probably be short of sleep for the next few years. Ask DH to take the DC at least once a week so you can sleep longer, it might mean taking them out of the house if you are on the same floor or a light sleeper.
It is hard and sleep deprivation affects everything. If you can find a way to deal with that, everything else will feel better.