To be annoyed

[Princespea]

Just to start by saying, I am very grateful that people want to buy me and my children presents. We do appreciate it.

Every year I struggle to find presents to buy my children, especially the adult ones. The younger ones are easier as they still play with toys. I have my mil and mother asking me what everyone wants for Christmas and what I want. Constant messages in a group chat about what I want. It takes the fun out of christmas a bit when I'm just searching for something for them to buy me and the children. It's so stressful thinking of presents from me and my mother plus mil. What happened to surprises? I love absolutely everything people buy me. I don't often buy myself anything, so even new socks or some chocolates are nice and I love them. I have 9 children so I have to think of 27 lots of gifts every year and I'm fed up. Anyone else have this?

Can you just ask for generic things that will be used up? The older ones know what they want… but can A, B and C have felt tips and a colouring book, D, E have some sparkly gel pens and a notebook, F and G would like a Minecraft stationary set…

Most of us have managed to come up with suitable lists for what children or ourselves want or need, or even what they don’t want or need. Do you really think more than one person putting forward suggestions for 9 children is still not going to be hard work? They may strike it lucky and come up with ideas for all 9 at once, but if not, there could be multiple conversations with more than one person over a number of weeks, which may be what some people prefer, others not so much. If you haven’t got the time to come up with some ideas, ask for money or say no presents. The effort could also be delegated to the other parent.

Nine children!

Cinema tickets and a selection box for everyone .

Yes and 3 grandchildren. Mad I know!!

but it's the constant hassle of just picking things for the sake of it
Isn't this the reason why people are asking you though as they also want to avoid picking something for the sake of it? Surely with 9 children it's probably hard for people to know what you don't already have or would appreciate. I am guessing there is a range of ages and hand me downs so people probably don't want to waste money on things you don't need or for children to open and be disappointed with. I imagine it would be hard to pick a surprise and not be met with one of them already having it so the child is disappointed it's not something they want.

Can your children not write lists? Or you take photos of things they point out in a shop?

I also like the suggestions about a family gift such as passes for days out, cinema tickets and so on. This could be adapted for the children's ages so maybe the older ones get cinema tickets and younger ones a soft play ticket.

you find it stressful so your 'gift' is passing that stress on to the receiver... pretty shitty gift.

Woah @housethatbuiltme a bit unnecessary, but fine. No… for starters, if you find being asked what you, or your child, want as a gift ‘stressful’ you must have a pretty stress-free life! Usually, the child I’m buying for is more than happy to tell me exactly what they want. And my husband? After five years of receiving ‘shitty gifts’ (that I actually put a fair bit of thought into but never quite got right) he was thrilled to finally tell me exactly what to get him!

But they aren't asking the children and the children can't answer anyway, they are asking the MOTHER (who is already having to sort coming up with presents from her and Santa) to do all the work for them because its too 'stressful' to put in thought or effort themselves.

As someone with 3 kids asking kids is bloody useless too, my kid panicked when asked by Santa last year and said he wanted a bike... he has 3 bikes (one bought by us and 1 by each set of grandparents as they insisted), he can't ride a bike and has no interest in bikes or learning. The random shit little kids make up when asked on the spot is utterly mad.

I mean how hard is it to know the kids like for example Bluey, Paw Patrol, Barbie, Morphle, Disney, Lego, Roblox, Taylor Swift and Minecraft and get something in that theme? if you don't know them well enough to even know the basis of the things they like you either don't know them enough to be buying them a gift or need to put more effort in to paying attention and getting to know them better.

If your not going to put in thought and effort then just don't do gifts... the whole point is meant to be the thought and effort, out sourcing that to the person already drowning in work is not a 'gift' its a 'chore'.

I much prefer people asked than we receive random things we don't like or need.

You say some are adult children? Remove them from your thinking list firstly. They can think up their own ideas to give to you and your MIL/mum.

We only have 2 DC but I keep amazon gift lists running all year round and refer people to that when they ask. DC update it a few times a year (and I clear it out of unsuitable items). This works for birthdays and Christmas. They don't have to buy from amazon but do have to let me know so I can remove from the list. It also gives them a good idea of what DC are into - they go off and think of their own ideas too then.

I don't mind sending a list to my relatives if they then co-ordinate with each other and also let me know what they are getting so I can get other things.
What drives me insane is when mum decides to go off list but also to check with me so I get a constant stream of messages usually while she is actually in a shop looking at something random that has been discounted so requires instant reply "Would he like a globe of the world/kaleidoscope/book on the periodic table/hat/soap making kit"? "Well I don't know as he is at school right now and I can't ask him, your guess is as good as mine, but I can tell you what he would like, all the things he said he would like two months ago when you asked me."

I’d be asking for ideas too if I was buying presents for 9 children for the same family. That is a lot of shopping and a lot of money that people don’t want to waste. Make it simple: ask for something they are going to need like PJs. Or cinema or restaurant vouchers for the family.
To be honest though I would feel guilty if my family were buying for 9 kids and would just ask for a couple of tubs of chocolates to share and gin for me

I have a very stressful life and this is one more stress I have to do for Christmas. Plus like people said it's the thought that counts, but it's not their thought when I'm sending links to stuff

The thought is wanting to buy a present in the first place. The thought is going to the effort to ensure that the present is something useful and not something that will be a double up (which can happen easily in such a big families!)

PIL have form for this!! Now when they ask me what DC want I never suggests things from their actual list.

Do you get presents from your children OP? What’s the age range?

I get it OP - I have 2 kids and always was asked by my parents and Inlaws what to get them (and us). As PIL are more elderly I often ended up having to buy/order the stuff for the kids as well.

I usually told MIL to get kids new PJs or new hat/gloves as they always need (loose) them.

As they are a bit older now, the things they want are a bit more £££, so often they get money off them now too so they can put it towards something they want.

Oh im very torn on this. my family and DHs only ask me not dh and I need to come up with ideas for everyone and everyone gets surprises except me.
the problem is they also are never happy with my suggestions, it has to be a certain budget even if the dc don’t want anything that costs that much, and it has to be big and showy enough, they don’t want general ideas (eg books) they want a specific item and a link to that item. And each year there will be other criteria (one year mil was only buying the dgc garden toys for example) but they’ll never tell me that until I’ve already suggested something. so there I am trying to find something of the exact right budget (they wouldn’t just buy a few smaller things, that doesn’t look impressive enough) that fits all this criteria. Then half the time they just give it to me to wrap as well. It’s a lot of admin.

But if I don’t, they buy tat that goes to waste and becomes a job for me to take to the charity shop and feel guilty about.

what id really really love would be for them to just know us and buy gifts we’d like, but what id take as a great runner up option would be that they just take my first suggestion of a gift rather than complaining that it’s too boring or doesn’t fit this years theme.

I dislike being asked what I want, it feels presumptuous to say I’d like something specific. I like to surprise people with a thoughtful gift. Tell them to surprise you

I would suggest perfume/after shave/beard oil for the older ones, and let the gift giver choose the brand. Or suggest a favourite brand of make up, but not the exact item. That way, it is fairly easy for you and it doesn't really matter if there are duplicates. Or, get the older ones to suggest their own lists.
For your littler ones, I would suggest books from titles/series you know they want. Or just say clothes, of whatever type the gifter chooses. Or something like swimming/ballet/football lessons.
Personalised football shirts for those interested.
Maybe something related to what you are getting the child in question. So, if you are buying a Sylvanian caravan, ask for a Sylvanian car or family.

My MIL starts this from july onwards! It sucks the joy out of Christmas!

I get this every year, I started writing a list throughout the year of things the kids have mentioned or things they will be needing over the next couple of months. List then gets copy pasted to group chat with everyone who wants it and if anyone ticks anything off it they let everyone know.
the kids then write lists for Santa and that's what me and DH get them.

Had this issue a few years ago, created 4 Amazon wish lists (me, DH, DS1, DS2) I just send family the link. Had a little push back from my mum, as she just wanted me “to tell her” stood my ground, politely said im constantly asked & this way I don’t get mixed up who I’ve told what to buy, hubby updates his own & oldest son tells me what to add, range of prices from £5 - £25. It’s been life changing.

I wish I had that problem. We don't have a huge family but my MIL categorically refuses to ever ask for ideas of what we or the children would like. Every Christmas and birthday there are duplicates of items they already have, things which don't fit or are unsuitable, novelty t-shirts or large quantities of a random food item like crisps or fizzy drinks. It's bizarre and drives me bonkers!

I completely get where you're coming from, OP.
Some people will probably interpret this as ingratitude but I really don't think that's the case.
I appreciate people buying my DC gifts. I really do. They're lucky they have so many lovely people in their lives who care for them, and I also understand that no one wants to waste money on a gift the DC might not like. So I can see from their point of view it seems sensible to send me a WhatsApp asking what the DC would like. What they don't necessarily consider is that I've also had messages from both sets of GP's, various Aunts and friends asking the same thing.

So in addition to thinking of ideas and shopping for gifts for my DC, I now have to spend time doing this on several other people's behalf. They don't even want ideas as such, I've tried keeping it vague e.g "DD loves board games, DS loves spiderman" but then I get "I don't know what they've already got, so can you send me a link to something you think they'd like?" Again, I can see why that makes sense. I do get it. But then I've got to spend time searching for and choosing gifts on behalf of all these other people, when I've also got my own christmas shopping to do.

I know it sounds petty. But when life feels particularly busy and stressful sometimes it's the small things being added to your plate that get to you the most. I work FT in a very 'full on' job and I have 2 DC with SEND. This will sound awful but sometimes I can't help thinking about the fact that some of the people asking me to find gifts have way more free time than I do. I'm not being judgemental, it's just a fact. I really appreciate their generosity in wanting to purchase a gift for my kids, but clicking on a link that's been sent to you and adding something to your Amazon basket is the easy bit, isn't it? They're asked me to do the time consuming bit for them.