Christmas after a loss

[Lidlisthebusiness]

Hello, I don't really know what I'm asking for here so please bear with me.

I lost my Mum in April, she was my rock, my best friend and my Christmas accomplice. There's not a day so far I've not cried, I miss her so very much. With Christmas approaching, I feel a horrible dread and guilt for having to do it without her but need to step up for our 6 children, including one who's having their first Christmas. I am also now my Dad's carer, he has dementia and is steadily declining.

I don't know how to do this without her, she was Mrs Christmas and always bought such joy to us all. My Dad doesn't have the patience for a whole day with the children anymore, and I selfishly don't want to have to deal with any outbursts, but equally i can't have him spending his first Christmas without his wife on his own. It's just us here, all other family live hours away so there are no other options.

I suppose I'm just hoping for some camaraderie at a time like this.

I am sorry for your loss. That is very sad and of course you will miss her over Christmas. I suppose it's now you who will be known as a Mrs Christmas of the family to the younger generation, can you involve your eldest children into organizing things ? It could create some lovely memories

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be unbearably hard.
can you stagger the day for your dad at all? Does he live close by?
write down all the traditions and things you have to do to keep the magic of Christmas going for the children and work through that. Maybe have something to remember your mum by, a plant, little tree or something that’s special to you all and people can remember her there in any way they want to, e.g. little ones might draw a picture or write a letter to her, you or your dad might want to sit by it with some sentimental music on etc etc.

can you do presents etc at at home with the dc then you or your partner:dh pick up your dad and bring him for breakfast/brunch. Or if it’s easier leave him a plated breakfast in his home or one of you pop round and spend a bit of time with him having breakfast so he starts off in peace and quiet?
if he is able and weather is kind could someone take him for a wee walk so he gets some fresh air? Maybe just you and him or your do/dh with or without the dc to let them burn up energy and give you peace!

is there a room you can make cosy and festive for your dad to escape to if the boisterous excitement gets too much during the day? Maybe with a tv in so he can watch something if he wants to. Others may choose to join him for some peace too, so it’s not like shoving grandpa away, it’s more like providing a safe haven if he needs one.

he might want a nap after a big meal. You could try and serve the meal at his normal dinner time so you don’t upset his routine too much. We still have it at normal dinner time (5-6 ish) as we decided we preferred it that way. Then he can be taken home all warm, fed and looked after ready, ready for bed and you still get some of your evening to remember your mum your way, think of all the wonderful Christmases she gave you and thank her for passing all that magic on to you so you can recreate it for your children.

I don’t know if any of those suggestions are helpful or not but hope you find the way to make it magical without being too stressful and upsetting.

Oh this is so hard.

But I think the first response nailed it - now you are Mrs Christmas. All the love your mum poured into your family still exist in you, and there is magic in carrying that on. I hope this season brings you a lot of comfort and makes you feel even closer to her.

I also agree that the trick will be making sure your Dad has quiet relaxing spaces to retreat to. And breaking the day up into parts so he can dip in and dip out as he feels.

Your mum will be very proud of you looking after him ❤️

Thank you for replying @RealPerson. I hope my children see me on the same festive level as I do her! I could see if my eldest would like to help, though I know she'd like to keep as much of the magic as possible. Although she's 16 next week, with so many younger siblings she still enjoys all the surprises.

Thank you for replying @RealPerson. I hope my children see me on the same festive level as I do her! I could see if my eldest would like to help, though I know she'd like to keep as much of the magic as possible. Although she's 16 next week, with so many younger siblings she still enjoys all the surprises.

I found a tree decoration yesterday, it's a photo frame with ribbon to hang it with. I'll put a photo of Mum in it and she'll be this year's new bauble.

That's a nice idea

OP, condolences on the death of your DM - I don’t think you ever get over it, exactly, you just get used to it. I’d make a list of all the things your DM did to make Christmas special - all the things that are your family traditions - and decide which of them you will carry on. You can also have some Christmas traditions of your own, but these will probably evolve as time goes on. Ask the older DC what it is that makes Christmas special for them.
As for your DF, you will have to have a plan to ensure that he doesn’t have any outbursts. Does he live near enough to come just for part of the day, so that you could do presents before he arrives? If he has to stay with you, do you have anywhere he could go to be out of the way of over-excited children if he needs to? I know it’s v difficult when you have little ones who want to be with you the whole time - could your DH take charge of your DF while you sort out dinner with the DC? You need to think about the logistics and how your DF can have some quiet time without impinging on everyone else’s Christmas. I know it’s difficult and this will be the hardest Christmas because it’s the first one without your DM. As time goes on, it will become easier - you may not have your DF with you in subsequent years depending on his health, and time really is a great healer. Good luck, and I hope your DM’s tree decoration is just the start of good things that will happen. (I think that’s a lovely idea, BTW.)

"I found a tree decoration yesterday, it's a photo frame with ribbon to hang it with. I'll put a photo of Mum in it and she'll be this year's new bauble"

That's such a lovely idea OP, it will help to keep your mum at the centre of Christmas this year and remain as a fond memory in future years. Don't be afraid to talk of her with your family and discuss all the things she would have loved being part of, even if it makes you a little sad. You will probably find in future years than you start to bring your own little ways to Christmas and the routines change, but that isn't a bad thing and will give your children their own memories of Christmases when they were young.

I am sorry for your loss🌹

So sorry to hear this, and Christmas coming must feel unbearable. As others said, maybe try to chunk this a bit, and have time for yourself and give your Dad time together but also some downtime. After my husband left abruptly, I massively over-compensated with my kids in terms of booking things and wanting to close or hide the gap he'd left. But keeping it simple, acknowledging your Mum as part of the day, and looking after yourself are really important.

I'm so sorry OP. My dad died on 8th December 2020 so at Christmas it was still very raw. In a way, Christmas helped me power through it, as by that stage there were lots of practical things to do and my children were only so little (5, 3, and a baby).

There were some really sad moments, like when I walked past what I had planned to get dad for Christmas in the shops, but it was important to rally round my mum. I remember taking the week off work and we decorated.

So my advice would be, try to focus on your living family and how much they benefit. If your mum loved Christmas too, remember how much she would want you to enjoy yourself, and how she would want to it be a time of peace and happy memories.

Finally, don't expect to not be sad, but for me Christmas was a move toward the bittersweet, rather than just bitterness at our loss, and while I do remember that December felt so very bleak, Christmas was a warm light in the dark, and each Christmas I focus on my immediate family it gets easier.

I am very sorry for your loss.
I am in a similar, but also very different, position. My mum died January 4th This year.. Most of the Christmases of my life, bar maybe 5, have been spent with her. Christmas last year I visited her on end of life pathway in hospital.
I have no partner or children, and no other family in this country. I will be spending Christmas alone. In some ways, it will be easier than having to fake celebration. I will buy myself a lego set as entertainment, get some nice food in and enjoy being with my dogs. But I know it will be painful, missing my mum terribly and her parents too.
I'm just posting in solidarity really. Hoping it might make you feel less alone in your loss. X

Condolences OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 7 weeks ago and understand what a hole you are facing. I have been asking myself the same questions.

You mentioned that you have family far away. Could you ask them if they've thought of coming? My sister lives far away and will be staying Christmas Eve so my mum doesn't wake up alone. I know it's not possible for everyone.

I'm nor sure what we're doing yet, however, it was my birthday not long after my Dad passed away and I couldn't face celebrating. I decided to spend the day, doing the things I loved to do but never had time to do. It's different for Christmas though, especially when you have children who are excited.

I've decided I need to go easy on myself this year and have started Christmas shopping early to spread it our. I will do less decorations as I'm too exhausted to do as much as we normally do. There will be less "stuff" and food and more focus on the whole Christmas season and spending time together - lots of walks and fresh air. The day itself I don't know yet. We will do the things my Dad enjoyed over Christmas, for him.

In your shoes, I would do as the first poster suggested. How far advance is your Dad? I would speak to him about what he wants as well, but also think about what might happen if he's much further along come Christmas. It's deeply unfair that you have so much to deal with emotionally and you're a testament to your Mum and her Christmas spirit that you're still thinking about keeping the Christmas spirit alive, even if your heart isn't in it.

Sorry to read this OP. It’s also my first Christmas since my mum passed away. Any Christmas that I haven’t been with her, I’ve called her up to ask for her stuffing recipe because I always forget. Strangely, last year I actually remembered to write it down.

My dad is now also alone and will be spending Christmas with us.

I have no words of advice, as I don’t know how we’re going to make it through either. But just letting you know you’re not alone.

This is a really small thing but after my Nan passed away I got some of her old Christmas decorations from her house and now have them on my tree and in my house.
Every year it brings back such lovely memories, maybe you could do something like this and you can pass them on to your children.

Oh that is tough. Sorry you're dealing with all of this. When someone is suddenly out of the Christmas equation it can take a bit of adjustment, but equally now is the perfect time to make changes and new traditions if that's your thing. I think roping in the eldest is a great idea. Planning is a big task, especially for 6 DC (but how lovely!). What was it your Mum did that made it all so special and exciting?

A thing that really helped me after I lost my mum was to buy her a Christmas present. I bought her favourite perfume, as I always did.

I also bought a big scented candle in the type of scent she would have liked (woody, smoky).

The perfume I kept under the tree and opened it the night before (my mum and I had a tradition of opening one present the night before, plus I think opening it on the day might have been a bit much). And I sprayed it around liberally on the day so the house was filled with her scent.

The candle I lit every night for a while every evening in the run up to Christmas. The act of lighting the candle and remembering her helped, and again, the house being filled with a scent she would have liked made me feel her presence in a soft way.

It’s something I continued to do for about ten years, and it really, really helped. I also did similar for her birthday, and always having a bottle of her favourite perfume around was also something that helped me for a long time. A quick spritz did take the edge off the grief and longing when I really needed it.