Anyone else had a tricky Christmas?

[Stardream27]

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas but wondered if anyone else's was hard and to hear what you do.

Long story short, my lovely DM has gone from a ray of positive sunshine to often quite nasty over the last 15 years. She won't get help and holds it together with her friends, but she is just quite horrible to me and my sister at times.

She's been to stay with me this Christmas. 65% of the time it was fine but twice she said she'd call my health visitor to have my son taken into care. And she told me numerous times that my husband is controlling.

Her mental health is totally shot so that it feels futile to reason. I try to listen but feel drained so let her ramble and I then try to change the subject. Or I'm firm and tell.her she has said her bit and I don't want to hear it again.

I feel like Christmas has been ruined for me, Dh but hopefully not DC, although we don't live in a mansion so I'm sure they may have heard some of it.

I'm exhausted and feel so flat. I love my mum but I'm at my wits end with what to do with our relationship.

Sorry for moaning. Not really sure what my point is!

Any words of wisdom or glimmers of hope gratefully received :)

Is this due to illness?

That sounds very hard to live with and I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to add.

Thank you

She hasn't been diagnosed with anything but she's obviously not well mentally. She's emotionally all over the place most of the time. She was hospitalised with a broken hip a few years ago and the doctors clocked it then and referred her to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication (I don't know exactly what). But she stopped taking it after a few days as apparently "antidepressants make you suicidal" and "I'm fine! I don't need them!" - even though she was at rock bottom.

Since then, she's not been any better and my sister and I have to act as therapists to try and support her when she's having a low (which is a few times a week).

It's exhausting. And selflessly, I feel cheated out of a happy christmas :(

How old is she?

I know you say she won’t accept help, but have you tried getting help from social services?

She's mid 70s. She copes in everyday life very well e.g. managing a home, cooking, driving to shops, meeting friends for coffee etc.

But when it comes to me and my siblings (all aged 40+) and our children/her grandchildren, her anxiety and desire for control over our lives is completely wild. She sees "red flags" everywhere.

Do you think social services could/would help?

That sounds so hard OP, I’m not surprised you’re exhausted and it’s very sad to watch your DM turn into this clearly very unhappy person. I have no answers, whether it be mental health or possible starts of dementia but what ever, you are clearly a very loving and caring daughter.

Its very unlikely she meets the critera for a care act assesment if shes independent with all daily living skills.

Mental health issues are more NHS however, if she has refused medication they have prescribed, there is little they can do.

Maybe its worth taking a step back? Refuse to be your mum emotional soundboard. Its not fair shes ranting at you constantly.

Probably not if she is managing so well at home.

basically, I was going to say the same as @safetyfreak

Can you and your siblings share the contact to minimise the amount of time you need to spend with her? Or less often but together?

Poor you. I think you need to take a step back and limit time with her. Don't let your dc hear her nastiness.

Well it's your siblings turn for however many years you have siblings for.

So perhaps when they all see it you can come up with a plan, if not for care, then at least for a diluted Christmas.

I know you want to be a good daughter and your dm is struggling, but it’s her choice to not accept help and her choice to not take medication. You don’t have to just put up with the consequences of that. It’s one thing if she’s unwell and it’s entirely out of her control or if she’s trying her best, but that isn’t the case here. I wouldn’t be happy to accept someone putting my dcs stability into any sort of jeopardy by threatening me with ss. And you don’t have to her therapist. By all means suggest she try one and you can help her find one / speak to her gp. But you don’t have to listen, particularly when it’s unproductive and negatively impacting you.