Toxic grandmother

[NimbleRoseRaven]

My husband and I have a 3 year old who adores his grandmother, gm is extremely high energy, plays with him really well and gives excessive gifts and if full of compliments.
However she is very difficult to be around, she doesn’t respect boundaries (for example when we asked her not to put photos of our son on IG). I have often caught her out in lies, that are usually ways of her stirring up trouble or attention seeking. She comes from a huge family with 7 siblings so I think this might have made her this way. My husband finds it extremely hard to be around her and I am finding it more difficult year on year.
however we now have the added complication that my son loves her so much.
she often looks after him but after a particularly toxic Christmas with her I’m thinking I might try and reduce their contact a bit.
What do people think is the right thing to do in this situation?
I worry she might try and drive a wedge between us, but I may be overreacting because of such a terrible Christmas!

To get any meaningful advice I think you need to expand a little more on why she is "toxic". The only example you've given is putting photos on social media, which is annoying and frustrating, but not toxic.

Shes put photos on IG. What else has she done because that example on its own doesn't warrant separating a family member who your kid loves and who treats him well.

Can you trust her to maintain the really important boundaries? The ones that are going to keep him safe, like not letting him do whatever he wants to do because she doesn’t want to tell him ‘No’? And can you trust her to tell you the truth about him? And her dealings with him?

I think you need to hurry up and decide what you and your DH want to do about having ongoing contact with her. Because if you decide that you want to go NC, then it’s better for your DS to do that earlier rather than later. The longer their relationship goes on, the stronger it is going to be and the harder it will be on your DS.

Personally, I’d be inclined to give her fair warning. Get your DH to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she’s pushing you both away with the boundary crossing and the lies. Point out to her the consequences for her relationship with your DS if you cut contact with her. Tell her that contact will be supervised until you can trust her again. And then review again in a few months time.

Yes, it’s important for your DS to have as many people who love him as possible, around him. But those people need to be good for him, not just fun. I’m assuming that she didn’t become like this overnight, so what’s triggered this? Has she got worse?

Is this your husband’s mother or grandmother? Sorry, I’m slow on the uptake today. Why does your DH find it extremely hard to be around her?

How is she toxic? Pushing the IG pic thing is annoying but not necessary a reason to reduce contact for you DC who clearly loves her.

Whose mother is she? More context is needed about her general behaviour. Toxic is a very strong word.

She sounds like my mother in law to a T. She looked after our daughter for the first 3 years before she went to school this year and it was hellish. We felt trapped and couldn't say anything because she was doing us a huge favour in order for me to return back to work. I'm due back at work in April after my son and we've decided he's going to nursery. I can't be arsed with her toxic ways. She says things like 'well I do alot for you and if it wasn't for me then you wouldn't be able to work. Throws it in our face all the time. Treats me terribly and my husband dosent have the biggest balls. Sends me awful messages, capitals etc.

I'll be forever grateful for her for the last 3 years of help etc but I don't want to rely on her for anything.

We have slowly withdrawn from her and so far it's going great.

I know you say she has a great relationship with your son and that's great but something has to change.

If she's not good for your family, I'd back away from contact and then reassess. Your child is only 3, he likely won't remember her in a while.
Any person in your child's life needs to be respecting your decisions on SM at least, how is she with rules regarding your child? Eg does she keep them safe and say no when warranted

I don't have a relationship with my ex MIL and I find her extremely toxic as well, however she does seem to treat my DC well and my ex has recently said he can see a change in her.
If you are able to can you speak with her and I agree a "warning" should be issued, if DH is onside it will make it easier, my ex was never on my side and that's why he's an ex!

Why don't you just speak with her, she obviously adores your son , what makes her toxic there must be a reason, but to threaten her with less or no contact is not healthy for your children, children should never be used as pawns or bargaining tools that's wrong on every level, be the grown up and confront her .

She does not sound toxic. Just different from you. You are massively overreacting to some relatively minor annoyances. None of what you have said is a reason to “reduce contact”. Such talk of “reducing contact” is increasingly common, often for less than good reason and will frequently leave children worse off and with diminished familial relationships.

Op as pp have said you've not given us any information at all

Please don't stop your little one from seeing his GM, in years to come he will be the one losing out on a beautiful friendship. Call her out on your worries, at least give her the chance to prove to you that she can follow your rules while he's little. Otherwise, you will have 2 brokenhearts on your hands.