Sick of xmas

[Yams17]

Day 6 of xmas about to begin at inlaws, 2 more days to go. I just want to go home!

Not sure what's annoying about it so venting here.

It's a 4 hour drive away so DH insists we have to go up for a week. Its in laws, SiL and her husband and 2 kids, and us and our 2 kids. Everyone is v nice so not trying to be nasty or claim trauma or anything.

It's cold as inlaws don't put heating on so kids up all night coughing/climbing into our bed more than normal. Everyone's super nice and polite as they're really anti any possibility of conflict so no one really talks about anything. Meals are 3 times day all sat around the table for at least 2 hours each time making small talk about the weather or the food and what's for the next meal. Or about the kids. The neice likes attention so we spend most evenings playing her made up games that are hard to follow for hours. But then if kids arent there it's awkward silences or my DH and his parents and sis talking about people they knew when they were kids.

DSiLs kids are older so I feel like they have set the pattern of how our holidays should go, from when presents are allowed to be opened, to when kids can watch tv, to when and how we eat.

Inlaws are cooking whatever they want which is fine, it's not my taste but the fact we then go on for hours about how amazing it is at every turn is really tedious. Then ofcourse we have been eating the same for 4 days now as we can't waste food, which I agree with, but why did we then have to have 2 giant pork pies and a whole salmon followed by insanely huge turkey for 6 people ?!

I just don't think my DH sees any of it, but I feel like we are just fitting in as guests to someone else's life. I know thats normal when you're guests in someone else's house, but this is every xmas as DSiL had kids 10 years before us so patterns have been set. My family don't celebrate Xmas so we don't really have excuse of spending every other xmas with them.

I'm just fed up year after years of feeling like an appendix and an afterthought. I'm probably just feeling it more acutely at mo as am in throes of morning sickness and really need food to be well flavoured, but no chance of that here given they're averse to salt and pepper.

Gggahhhhhhhhhh

OMG a week is far too long. Next year travel up on Christmas Eve and back on Boxing Day if DH insists on going.

Send dh on his own.....you and the DC come down with a raging case of explosive diarrhea/flue/ norovirus..... imaginary of course!!!! Tbh it sounds like a week of pure hell.

That does sound miserable, so you’ve never had a family Christmas you’ve actually had a say in? Surely next year just drive up on Boxing Day or something?

That sounds absolutely horrendous. But this comes from someone who has spent the last 28 Christmases at home with OH and 2 kids.

You do have a voice and can say no!

4 hours is hardly a grand expedition, I do overnight work trips further away than that.

Agree with the suggestion that you all go for 2 to 3 days max and DH extends by himself if he wants to go for the full week.

But I don't understand understand why you've not put your foot down before now?

It sounds like next year you'll have a very young baby so will have the perfect excuse to stay at home. DH can take the older DC for a couple of days and in following years, just go for a couple of days every other year at most and the rest of the time stay at home. Invite them to visit you or meet halfway in a cottage if you feel like it.

Agreed a week is FAR too long and actually (my parents are a bit like your ILs) they'd honestly be relieved if you said you were only going to go up for 3 or 4 days. I know this because 48 hours is my limit and my DF has said that my DBs and his families staying for a week is exhausting and while he loves to see them he wishes they'd come for less time!

Four hours isn’t that much. My parents are about five hours away and I tend to just do two days at a time. even one day, there and back, in a day isn’t unknown.

Put your foot down when you get back home. Explain to DH that while his parents are lovely and you appreciate the effort they go to, but going for a week is just far too long. Introduce the idea that perhaps Christmas at home with your own children would be nice, and certainly more practical if you are going to have another young baby.

If you really must go then go for just a couple of days during Christmas and New Year week. Price up whether you could afford to do it by train to take pressure off the driver, if that is one of his issues.

My elderly mother lives a three hour drive away. I don't drive it anymore and prefer the train but I still usually only go for three or four days (I go once a month). I only extend my stay if she is ill or something. That's without even having small children anymore as mine are now grown up.

A week is far too long, next year make other plans, just stay at home or only go for a couple of nights, it all sounds exhausting.

Nah that's too many plans. You are allowed to have a quiet Christmas a couple of days with people is fine but it's your break too and I'd just have a Few days at home

Cold and fakery - you are literally left out in the cold during conversations

Its time to change this up and make your own Christmas tradition’s in your OWN HOME next year - cherry pick what your kids like from theirs, then make your own that does not involved pork pies and two hour lunches

It sounds dreadful, I couldn’t imagine being able to watch what I want on the TV, or pop and get snacks, go for walk when we fell like it. Being cold alone would put me off.

What did your Husband say, when you told him that you have had enough, and would like to do things differently next Year?

I think my in laws would have kicked us out after a few days! A week would have been too long for all of us I think the longest we've ever stayed is 4 days and that's with trips out on our own.

Definitely make some changes next year surely you'd want christmas in your own home?

It's just so strange. I've said over the years I don't want to spend more than 4 nights, but DH is always worried they'll get offended, especially as SiL goes for over a week each time. then they both call each other to complain about it to each other. They have alot of family stuff to work out IMHO.

But i know on my side I'm not great at enforcing boundaries. It's even tougher when you're in a relationship with someone who is desperate to avoid conflict at any cost.

We have 2 DS who are 2 and 5 so logistics and trains can be a bit fraught depending on naps and car sickness, the fact inlaws live in middle of nowehere, so what should be a straight forward 4 hour journey is a bit more complicated. Next year I'm going to try and use kid no 3 as a legitimate excuse to not see anyone.

But I know that will make DH sad. Annoyingly he won't then pick up the reigns and think what we can do that's special for our family unit. It's some weird thing he has that xmas is about reverting to fantasies about what he imagines his family Xmases should have been like (they were pretty stiff short affairs by the sounds of things).

It's just annoying I have to say this every time we visit in summers or xmas when I end up being the mean person picking faults in their family dynamic as I have to keep justifying my position. Its just a bit shit and this is reminding me of all the shit previous occasions.

I've had my adult dc and dgs here Christmas Day and Boxing Day both they and I are glad that today I have the house to myself and they are in their own homes. I daresay that the in laws are as fed up of the arrangement as you are and don't want to rock the boat and suggest anything different. I'd start by raising alternative plans for next year with them as soon as you get home when they will be glad to have seen the back of you. I tell mine from the off that my hosting ends Boxing Day and nobody is welcome on 27th.

That is my idea of absolute hell ! No way would I do anything more than an over night and that even goes for my own family. You need to speak up for next year op . Christmas time is too special to waste it being unhappy

I'm just unbelievably cross now. I've been saying for days this is too much and I need space.

he just sort of looks awkward. His solution is to sneak me in a tesco meal deal for me to hide in a wardrobe and eat which makes me feel more ignored and ridiculous.

Its a combination of his shit boundaries with his family which has been going on for years to now me feeling sick pregnant and exposed yet can't say anything to anyone. Though I reckon they've all guessed as I'm barely drinking and DH said "oh I'm just drinking all hers".

Even when we go out for a walk or anything he always plans it with his entire family so i cant get away to feel sick on my own in peace. He keeps saying he wants to support me while I'm pregnant as I said the last 2 times he was not great, and this is his answer to that. I know I'm stressed and sick and emotional but I just can't see the point if this fricking relationship if he just nods along but never fricking changes his behaviour. Grrrr

You know i think his parents think the same. I just think DH and his sis are too self absorbed to realise it. Everything was bought in this year which is quite unusual for in laws, but I'd do the same with so many people round needing feeding daily for nearly 2 weeks. I think they're just being too polite to say so.