Thinking of everyone but closest family… WWYD?

[Merrygrinchmasx]

DD (17) who is working and earning good money didn’t get us a card or token present for Xmas. No ‘Happy Christmas’ acknowledgement or thank-you for her gifts we gave her.
She did however get her work colleagues, friends and cousin gifts which she proudly showed me how nicely she had wrapped them. She also thanked extended family for the gifts she received from them.
The trouble is I had a chat with her after the same happened last Xmas about it being hurtful especially for her Father who goes above and beyond for her, explaining it’s not about any monetary spend but an acknowledgment of love and thanks at Xmas and a card would be enough to show this. Would you have the same conversation this year or leave it?

I’d be gutted if my son behaved like this.

I would just get her one small cheap token gift, like a Boots gift set, to open next year, and nothing else.

Ungrateful brat.

It's horrible that she doesn't even say thank you or even give a little card? My 16 year old daughters got us the loveliest presents this year out of their own money but I wouldn't have minded if they hadn't as long as they showed gratitude. I'm so sorry for you.

I'd definitely have another discussion and explain how hurtful it is but if she really doesn't understand it, it's time to not spend as much on her next year.

Wow!

I think you should ask her how she would feel if you did the same to her. The fact she is your daughter is irrelevant. She is old enough to know how to behave and to appreciate kindness.

i would throw in the “I’m disappointed” phrase as well. This might get through to her that she’s been selfish and thoughtless.

She's spoiled if she thinks she deserves presents from you and extended family and doesn't buy you and her father anything. Spoiled bitch I'd not bother again

We have an adult daughter who has always been like this. When younger she would open gifts, look at some with disdain, and actually tell the gifter that it was the wrong colour/went against her beliefs etc etc She would leave said gifts in the living room until we charity shopped them. Grandparents would nicely say 'oh X forgot their gift! and it would appear with them next time they came.
Her presents to us parents and steps were always ridiculously expensive for a school child and it was about the label etc.
She's not improved with age. We now get gift cards for shops that we know she will shop in. Anything else is a waste of time and effort as it gets abandoned.

I would have a quiet word with her. Maybe write a letter. She is 17 - they are very selfish and brains don’t fully develop until 25.
For next Christmas I would have a chat with her well in advance. Late Octiber Explain that this year gifts will be dramatically scaled back. Gift her 1 small gift - maximum £15 and maybe for a pre Christmas dinner/lunch together.
And when she was 18 I would be charging rent. Not on a par w market rate but not too much below. She also does her own clothes washing and contributes to regular chores. Eg hoovering particular rooms/dusting/washes all the towels etc.
It’s time for a little introduction to the real world if she wants to be an adult.

Does she live at home?

Thanks all, just wanted to understand if we were going mad as she can be very kind and thoughtful to everyone else so I struggle to get it.
Yes she lives at home and no she doesn’t contribute to the household chores etc at all which is an another discussion but never gets us anywhere.

It's not acceptable, all my kids gave us a thank you. One has given us a present and the others are broke but at least said thank you.

Next year give her a minimAl present, say a book.

That sounds very hard. Yes I think I would have the conversation, but perhaps about how you feel rather than what she's done. My guess is though that she would take that as a personal attack and you might end up estranged.

OP she's a bit old to have not copped on that Christmas is for all ages and all family members - did you and your DP never buy presents "from her" to wrap and label and give to other people? We've done that with ours since they were tiny with them choosing and enjoying the pleasure their consideration has brought to others.
I agree she needs a dose of reality but as parents it's our job to train them for the real world - if she's been trained all her life that Christmas is just about her / her generation then I wouldn't be too hard on her.
Perhaps like PP said have a chat early on say in October/November and make sure she can save up and start thinking about it in advance.

Same age child and also lots of effort for others and not for us but I reminded child a lot before Christmas that he had made effort for others so expected him to get his Dad a token gesture at least, I think his Dad did the same for me so we had presents. She's still young, and brains not developed - help her out before she fails next year.

Thank-you, yes this is not what we want at all but I do think it’s important she learns how behaviour can impact others which is what I’ve been trying to help her with, lots of positive conversations around it rather than it being negative led with the hope that it would sink in but it clearly hasn’t. It’s upsetting as you try to parent and influence becoming a kind and thoughtful person but I’m seeing a lot is now to do with her own personality and intentions.
And yes to answer another question when she was younger I would get her to come chose something for her Dad but have had multiple conversations since she’s been earning her own money she is responsible for getting her own small gifts for Christmases and Birthdays…. Which has only been successful when she got her Dad a gift for his birthday.

Talk to her again. I'd probably give her suggestions for people through the year 😂 Please don't write a letter or text.

She’s spoilt rotten and knows she can get away with it.

Then tell her to move out. She's not behaving like a member of the household or family; why should she get the benefits without the responsibilities?

That might be an eye-opener.

She's 17. Telling her to move out is a bit extreme.

OP, I agree it is thoughtless of her amd hurtful. My DC are (slightly) younger and not yet earning but are expected to buy token gifts for us out of their pocket/saved money. We do remind them to do this.

I would have another word. Explain that you are pleased she has been generous and thoughtful to her colleagues etc. But that she has forgotten again to gift to you and to thank you for her gifts.

I would remind her next year a month or so before Christmas (or birthdays).

If she did it again then she would be receiving a Boots 3 for 2 toiletry set or similar value gift card in future.

This "their brains aren't developed" is bollocks. They can get gifts for colleagues and friends it's not a massive leap to think mum and dad might like a gift too.
I would tell her she's an ungrateful and selfish soandso.
Tell her from next pay day she's contributing a small amount, doing her own washing and another chore of her choice. Time she grew up.