How do I get through Christmas with all this anxiety?

[Geekgirlmum]

I don't know where to start. My DM lives with us. My parents are divorced and she has no-one else. She is quite a difficult person who takes offense at everything and then causes a fight. She doesn't apologise ever or if she does she becomes a victim and makes everyone else the bad guy.

Our DD is at uni but comes home for Christmas and they butt heads constantly, causing fights. My DM then usually uses the silent treatment. If I try to intervene, I am accused of always taking DD's side. Honestly, it's usually because DM loves to criticise or say passive aggressive things and then when someone responds, she takes offense. She doesn't see that she provokes people.

It's gotten to the point where I am constantly anxious, trying to avoid leaving them on their own, and trying to distract my mother from any offense. It makes me uncomfortable in my own home.

I don't know what to do to make things easier.

Get her to move out before next Christmas??

Look out a couple of films and maybe a game or a quiz on YouTube. If she doesn’t want to join spend your time with DD with lots of nice treats, it’s Mothers choice to behave in a selfish unhelpful way so feel no guilt just eat together then bail with your DD, go a walk too.

She has nowhere to go and no money. And she would never forgive me.

Enjoy the silent treatment and have fun with your DD?

This

Or tell DD to rise above it.

Tell her you know M is a miserable old bat so don't feed the troll.

Any provoking remarks get DD to just calmly "if you say so"

When M starts just change rooms. Leave her stewing on her own.

And look into ways you can move her to independent housing next year. Search housing, renting, sheltered, for olders. I would pay to get her out of our house.

I could live with never being forgiven if I didn't have to live with someone like your M.

Might even be a blessing in disguise.

You don't have to accept her behaviour you have 2 choices
1 ignore her moods
2 worry about upsetting her.

Bonus for 1 you don't need to worry about whether your behaviour affects her's
2 no bonus but you walk on eggshells until she dies.

Just ask her if she wants to join you and DD for what ever activities you have.

Example mum we're going for a, walk to see the Christmas lights
Mum says I don't it's a waste of time and energy you OK we're leaving in a few minutes shall I put the kettle on?

Then leave and when you get back tell her all about it it.

Your M is domestically abusing you to get her own way and you live with anxiety. Honestly OP she needs to go next year.

Don't have your parent living with you and your family, for any reason.
It's really that simple.

She wouldn’t forgive you? And what would that look like? She adds nothing to your sense of family and wellbeing. Block her if needed. Not your fault she doesn’t have lots of options. She’d be the one making herself homeless by being so awful to live with.

How old is she and does she have any disabilities?

75 and no disabilities. Some chronic health issues.

In my head I know this, but she makes me feel like a terrible daughter. If I confront her with things, she cries or makes me feel awful. She has never lived alone.

You're a great daughter and she is an awful mother. You have taken her into your home and she repays you with this terrible behaviour.

Your DD should come before your mother. When your mum accuses you of taking your DD's side, tell her that you are because her behaviour towards your DD is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Your home should be a safe haven for your DD to return to in the holidays. She doesn't need a miserable ungrateful grandmother making passive aggressive remarks and criticisms when she walks through the door.

I totally hear where you're coming from, my DM isn't easy. I go for the silent treatment (unfortunately mine constantly chats at us, criticises and we can't get a word in edgeways) and propose playing a game - up to her if she joins in or not.

There’s a reason she has no one else! Her behaviour is abusive and you don’t have to tolerate that in your own home.

Move her out. In the meantime, stand up for yourself and more importantly your daughter. Don’t let your mum abuse your daughter too. A couple of stock phrases. “Mum, don’t speak to DD like that”. “Well that was rude” etc… Ignore the silent treatment, it’s childish and will get her nowhere, no food, no cups of tea - you ask, she ignores, she gets nothing.

The crying and calling you an awful daughter (what sort of mother says that?) are to manipulate you and make sure she gets her own way.

She could go into sheltered housing. and get pension credit, she would be fine.

have a look at out of the fog site OP.

could get attendance allowance to add to her pension credit if necessary and carers

Do it soon as it will only get worse with time, you might end up eg. doing personal care op.

There is often a warden in sheltered housing and if they need more care there is that as well. My dad was in it, you can get it with a family connection in your area as well and it often more available than you might think.

Sorry but your DM sounds awful, you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty at all and I would be looking for some where else for her to live, maybe a sheltered living kind of place where she can be near others and have support if needed. If she has no money she can claim benefits and be housed by the council/HA, they will have properties for over 50’s and sheltered accommodation if she needs it. She isn’t your responsibility and she sounds like she’s causing many issues (effecting your mental health and your relationship with your own dd).

On this Christmas and dealing with it, I suggest something like you might use with a grumpy toddler. A simple routine, boundaries, some time out for bad behaviour and having a break for you and your daughter.

Let her sulk and just get on with it.