I find it just such a difficult time of year, which I suspect is true for a lot of people. I lost my mother last year. She became ill in December and I felt that she was fading. I had the most appalling virus/flu/covid at the time and as well as being unable to travel I was frightened to give her something that would kill her. In the end a friend (that I can never thank enough) drove me the 200 miles to see her as soon as I was not contagious and I spent the last three days of her life with her. It was a difficult relationship due to past events with her husband (my father although I don't like to call him that given his actions and the lifetime difficulties they have caused me) but nonetheless I loved her so much, was close to her and was very much involved with her care, although at this point from a distance. I spent a lot of time with her and when I wasn't there we talked a lot. I don't really have any close family left now. I had two brothers. One, lovely, who died some years ago in traumatic circumstances, and one, very difficult and agressive from whom I am estranged. Apart from one cousin the majority of my relatives disappeared after my mother's funeral, having made great protestations of keeping in touch and anything I might need etc. I am sure this is the same for many people. It is just easier during the year when things carry along in a normal routine for those of us for whom this is just a lonely time and a time of loss. I'm not complaining. I have bought some nice food for myself and plan to volounteer next year when I am hopefully more organised. I suppose it would just be nice to hear from others for whom grief is a part of this time and who find it a bit tricky and lonely. I have friends, but availability at this time is, of course, very different. I hope everyone finds some sort of happiness and peace and thank you for letting me get this off my mind.