First Christmas not seeing daughter

[Smudge2014]

Hi . Previously if its the turn of dd to spend Christmas with her Dad then I would pick her up at just after lunch and we would then have our Christmas.
This year my 10 yr old daughter will be spending Christmas Eve and day with her Dad.
This is going to be an extremely difficult day for me , especially as the last few months my dd has been struggling with her mental illness , anxiety and suicidal thoughts. so it has been very stressful and emotionally exhausting
My dd and I live with my elder Mum since I lost my dad in 2019.
My brother (45) and his partner were coming over for Christmas but I really dont feel I can celebrate Christmas without my daughter, so I suggested that perhaps we can have our Christmas Day on Boxing Day when dd is back but my Mum has said no as she wants my brother over on Christmas Day.
The whole situation has left me feeling sad and hurt as my Mum once again is unable to take into consideration how I might be feeling about not having my dd on the day or the emotional toil the last few months have taken on me.
I have learnt over the last few years to understand that I spent most of my life trying to please everyone especially my Mum for her approval but right now I feel like I just want to tell her that I won’t be spending Christmas with them and just going off for the day walking with my dog but I then feel guilty and that I’m being selfish. 😞

Sorry I agree with your mum. The whole family can’t postpone Christmas because your DD isn’t there

Just do it all over again on Boxing Day when she’s back with you

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, but it's not reasonable to ask your mum and brother to not celebrate Christmas on Christmas day!

I get it. Christmas isn't the same without your dc there. Try to enjoy the day with your family as much as you can. Have a few drinks, a long walk, enjoy not having to run around after your child and make the best of it. Then have another great day when she's back on Boxing Day.

Not celebrating on the day won't make you feel any better and it will also spoil it for your mum and brother.

Negotiating over Christmas when you've got a child with an ex is always utterly crap but you have to learn to live happily during your time away from your dd or you will find yourself miserable a lot.

Enjoy your Christmas Day and then on Boxing Day your DD is back to open her presents around the tree and do all the things you’d normally do. Instead of turkey, you can do your usual BD food.

It's her house her rules tbh I agree if she wants christmas on Christmas it's her right.

Yep.
Look forward to Boxing Day, but try to jolly through Christmas Day , so your daughter doesn't feel guilty for (hopefully) enjoying time with her dad
I used to have alternate Christmas when dd was little - Christmas Eve until Boxing Day tea - it was really fine.
Much better really than splitting Christmas Day - gave dd chance to settle and have fun - and she did and then rush home to show me all her lovely presents.

I don't think it's fair to dictate what other people do on Xmas day. I've never been in your position, but you can't change it, it's her dad's turn. Create a new tradition on the alternate years you don't have dd at home on Xmas day. If it were me I'd celebrate with your mum, brother then have a nice bath, take myself to bed early with nibbles, wine and watch something I couldn't watch with dd. Early night then up fresh ready to celebrate again.

Are you going to be expected to do all the cooking both days? I think it is fair enough to say you are only cooking a big meal on Boxing Day but if someone else is cooking I think you need to do the best you can to enjoy it.

As per the PP, what is expected of you on Christmas day from your mum and brother?

Why not have a shorter visit to your dm's? A day in with ddog sounds quite enviable.. I have also had Christmas without some of my dc. It is very hard op... But.... Use the time to recharge you. And be of better use to your dd when she gets back. Ddog will enjoy undivided attention and you can hog the remote and eat crap....

I can understand you will miss your daughter dreadfully but you expect your mum to miss her son on Christmas Day too? Just try and enjoy the day together.

Totally agree either way yr mum, don’t ruin her Xmas bcos u don’t feel like it.

The OP lives with her mother so can't have a shorter visit.

I've not been in your position as DD's father didn't see her at all - which obviously has its downside as all situations have. Once DD was old enough though, I used to volunteer for a couple of hours over Christmas lunchtime at our local Age UK. Is that an option? You're not deserting your mother/brother for the whole day, but you'd have a break and be doing something useful too. You see another side.

@Stormyweatheroutthere

Why not have a shorter visit to your dm's?

Did you not read the OP???

Is there any reason why things have changed this year?

If your daughter is 10 could she not tell her dad to keep the plans as usual?

Does he know about her recent difficulties?

Would he allow her home after dinner?

I don't have my children with me every other year so we just celebrate on a different day. We are celebrating on the 21st this year. So they have a day with me then go off to their dads. It is a bit rubbish for me but I'm glad for them that they get to see their dad and be fussed over as he doesn't make much effort usually.
I think as your daughter has been struggling it might be nice for her to have some time with her dad and it might allow you to re charge that day.
I'm actually working an evening shift in Christmas Day but if I wasn't I would like to watch gavin and Stacey in the evening. Have a think about things you would like to do and do them and have a relaxing day.

Thanks for all your replies, I certainly don’t want to spoil my Mums Christmas or expect everyone else to change everything for me. The reason I suggested we had our Christmas Day on Boxing Day was because we have done this previously when for one reason or another we weren’t all able to be together on Christmas Day, my brother lives close and was happy to celebrate on Boxing Day .
@Oreyt my dd wanted to come home as usual but her dad (he can be very emotionally manipulative & also he knows about her recent mental health challenges) ‘spoke’ with her so she then felt guilty coming back to me.
For me Christmas is about the children and the joy it brings to them, so want to just treat it as any other day

@Daisy12Maisie this is what I’d like to do , have our day on Boxing Day, whilst it’ll be hard for me on Christmas Day I am happy her Dad wants her longer and she gets that extra time with him aa he doesn’t make much effort rest of holidays.
The difficulty is my Mum expecting me to celebrate Christmas Day as though nothing is different and feeling like I don’t have the right to just get through the day in my own way

Your DD is 10. It isn’t her decision where she spends Christmas. You need to step up and protect her from the emotional manipulation by telling Dad she is coming home as normal.