Blended family and presents

[ThatOchreDreamer]

I have a beautiful step daughter (husband's previous relationship) aged 11 and a beautiful daughter with my husband aged 8. The girls get on so well, they are best friends :-)

We spend equal amounts on them at our home with regards to Christmas presents and my family treat my step daughter exactly the same as my daughter (as they should) all spending the same on them both or getting them the same presents. We take turns with my step daughters mum to have her every other Christmas day or Boxing day, for example this year we have her Christmas Day and she is at her mums on Boxing Day next year it will swop.

The thing I find really hard is that when my step daughter then goes/comes back to her mums for Christmas, she gets presents from her mum and step dad, aunties/uncles, grandparents and they have a much bigger family than we do, so the lucky thing gets a lot!! I feel bad on my daughter as I think she wonders why her elder sister gets so much more than her. It never used to be an issue but as she's getting older I can see it bothers her a bit. I suggested to my husband we get my daughter an extra present so she has something to open when our step daughter goes back to her mums but he said no, we get them equal presents or step daughter will feel we give our daughter special treatment and that's that.
I was just wondering how you deal with this situation? I'm really not sure what to do for the best!

Your 8yo daughter is lucky that she comes from a family where both of her parents live together and she doesn't have to split her Christmas. If she ever complains that she doesn't get as many presents, then try explaining that to her.
If she's old enough to realise that her sister gets more, then she's also old enough to realise that it's part and parcel of life. Some people do get more in life. It doesn't mean that they're any less worthy.
I agree with your DH. I think the worst thing you can do is spend more on your 8yo to make up for it, as you risk upsetting the lovely relationship you have with your step daughter.

It sounds like you have such a lovely blended family. This isn’t something that can be fixed by buying your bio daughter more presents. It’s just about having that conversation about how your family is blended - she has her Mum and Dad together and DSD doesn’t. Have an honest conversation about it. I’m sure there’s weekends your bio daughter gets to do things with you two that DSD doesn’t do because she’s with her Mum. And in turn, DSD doesn’t get her Mum and Dad together but does get more presents. The important thing is that you all love each other!

My DS is the youngest of 4 in our blended family. My DD and my DH’s 2 DS. We have always spent the same amount on them all but my DS would get an extra present on Boxing Day from both me and my parents as the others would get lots of present at their ‘other’ home.

Im pretty sure none of the older kids in our family were in anyway damaged by this and were well aware they got a lot more so never been an issue in our house and our kids are now 23, 21, 17 and 15.

My DC are in this situation and my view is that for my stepchild there are few pluses about having separated parents and having to split your time between 2 houses and double presents is one of the few pros. as my DC have got older I’ve explained this to them.

I am in a blended family too although there is too much of an age gap for it to be noticed really.
but they will all get the same. Well actually LO getting less spent but things coast less when younger anyway!

as my step kids get older they get more useful and needed things anyway, or something smaller but pricier, and often gifts that mean they can have something in both houses with out having to cart stuff back and forth.
we do often open gifts with them all at ours then go to their mums and stay there for a bit while they open gifts so I guess LO will notice that eventually!
but we will just explain that living in two houses is trickier and you need things in both houses. do you think your daughter will understand that perspective?

Also, my step daughters friend once asked her if it was hard having split up parents and SD said “no because I get two Christmases, what’s not to love?!” She has always looked at the positive side of it lol. Anyway I guess you don’t want to detract from one of the bonuses of living in separate houses? If that makes sense?! X

I am sure both get plenty easy for your dd to understand sister's mum side of family are not her family. Lovely for SD to consider your side of the family as her family too and be treated the same.

You do not need your partners permission to buy YOUR daughter anything you want.

Your step daughter is getting 4 families (yours, her dads, her mams and her step dads) while your daughter is getting 2 (yours and her dads... which is combined into one and being forced to be shared).

Of course its ridiculous and I say that as a child of divorce (was a toddler so grew up with divorced parent my whole life) with step parents on both sides.

Really, I don't get this view at all.

I had an amazing childhood, seemingly much better than friends with married parents. I wasn't remotely 'had done by' by my parents being divorced... what a really strange projection.

I don't think you can fix this by buying more stuff. Treating them equally means you are modelling a healthy relationship where both girls feel equally important to you.

There is not a lot you can do about the fact that she has other generous biological family. A previous poster also makes the very good point that your 8 year old has both her parents living together and doesn't have to move between two houses. This is a disadvantage for the 11 year old that you can't put right. Essentially the girls probably need to accept that life can be messy and there are pros and cons to both of their situations.

I really don't think a boxing day extra present for your daughter is a problem,I don't understand why your husband is so against it .
Maybe your own family need to cut back on what they buy the step daughter,too even things up
If your own daughter is noticing and feeling upset ,then it needs looking at ..she after all ,has to share her family with the step daughter,when the step daughter doesn't have to share hers .
I'd ask your family to cut back on what they buy the step daughter,and save some gifts for your daughter to open when step daughter isn't there .
It's not either of the girls faults the family situation,so steps need to be made to make it fair

At 8 you should just be able to explain to her, really - older sister has other, non shared family who also buy her gifts.

Same here.

I appreciate that not all children of divorced parents have the same experiences but the insistence on MN that all children with separated parents are traumatised etc doesn’t match my experience or that of anyone I know in real life.

Your youngest has 2 advantages, 1 her parents live together and 2 as the younger she gets the advantage of hand me downs

First answer sums it up perfectly 👍🏼

How is always getting the cast offs instead of getting something of your own an advantage.

She also wont get the cast offs from the other house so doesn't benefit from the other daughter getting extra at all.

Why on earth would step daughter be mad/hurt that her step mam bought her own daughter a present when she wasn't there?

She is old enough to understand she gets stuff from 2 houses and FOUR families but her sister doesn't.

SD has 2 step parents plus two 'single' parents... all of who plus their families buy her gifts. Its a bit mad really.

I never even met my step mams families (except her kids) let alone got gifts from them. Gifts I got from step mam where token gifts like a CD or a small make-up kid... not remotely on par with her own bio kids (which I NEVER expected) and I never once felt 'hurt' by it.

Meh. Well to me your husband doesn't have the right to dictate how you handle things......the kids 8 ffs. She's got plenty of years to learn gratitude for her living situation 🙄

I'd be finding 50 quid or whatever to get her a few extra treats. And why the hell not ?

My youngest will be getting a couple of extra things after Christmas. My children from previous relationship get a lot from their dads side plus from their step mums family.
I don't see the harm in it at all

We spend about half as much on SD15 as on DD because SD gets way more presents at her Mum's than either of them get put together here. I'm not going to try and "compete" and I'm not going to spend the same on a child who has just received £1k's worth of gifts + a lot of money from relatives on her Mum's side, as a child who gets one set of presents and a few odd bits from family and friends. If DH and I split up and DH suddenly decided to go wild with tons of gifts for DD every year, I'd also cut down on the amount I spent on her.

The argument that children of separated parents need more presents because they are traumatised by the split is always amusing to me. If you think your children or steps are traumatised by your/ your partner's divorce then you'd be a lot better off spending money on therapy rather than an X Box.

How about taking your DD out for a special 'mum and daughter' day on boxing day, and doing whatever fun treat things she would love?

It's fair - because SD is enjoying a special day with her own Mum and other family too.

And I bet your DD would love it more than extra material gifts. Hot chocolate/bubble tea in a cafe and saying 'yes' to any little things which catch her eye are of course part of the day.

Thank you so much all for your posts. I truly appreciate hearing everyone's perspectives and opinions.

I think taking my daughter on a special day out is a great idea.

Wishing you all a lovely Christmas.

Wasn't it on some movie when a kids parents were getting divorced and another kid said 'great you'll get twice as many presents at Christmas'!
Your DD is old enough to understand that her sister has a wider family and that's how life works. My stepkids lived with us but kept the presents they got from their mums side at her house.

I think an extra present for your 8 year old would be a good idea. It wouldn't bother my chidren or me if their little sister (dads child) got an extra present.

I can appreciate his opinion trying to ensure equity and balance across children is very important.

But he is missing a key piece, the balance would be from you not him.

Perhaps framing this, as in comparable with your dsd mother's gift would help him ?

I see the idea of the day being a nice and fair compromise.