Ideas for parents you don't really know (late 70s/early 80s)

[Peanuttt]

Hi All,
Hoping some of you might be able to give me some ideas, as this year I am completely out of them!
Parents (late 70s/early 80s) I don't really have much of a relationship with them, maybe see them once or twice a year. Not all close. However I always try and make an effort with gifts. For past few years I've bought them tickets to events, but I've run out of ideas and frankly that's getting too expensive for me. My dad is not driving much these days, so I also need to plan in travel for any present like that (bristol/bath way)
Previous gifts:
Local theatre tickets - multiple times ( i can not see anything they would particular like this year, plus they 'expect' best seats so again turns out quite expensive)
Tickets to - Van Goh exhibition, Hans Zimmer/John Williams concert, Kew gardens, Chelsea flower show, Royal Airshow, ballet, Badminton
Delivery of wine from local vineyard - they no longer drink much
Afternoon teas - multiple times
Cinema vouchers multiple times
Nice restaurant vouchers - multiple times

They have so much 'stuff' - digital photo frames, puzzles, books etc etc

The problem is I don't really have a good relationship with them. I've actually had counselling this year related to this and quite frankly I resent spending so much time thinking of something thoughtful and paying what usually turns out to be several hundred pounds.
They can be quite critical as well. When opening gifts i usually get the standard ' wells that's different' its put to the side then not mentioned until they have been to said event and they call to tell me they really enjoyed it.. However often a 'problem' (venue was cold, it rained, woman next to them noisy, its said in a way that this was my fault). If buying vouchers I usually get told they had to pay extra to get the better seat etc.

I'm tired of it especially this year but not getting them a gift is not an option for me either, it would be too noticeable if that makes sense. I do not think they would consider us to have a bad relationship.
I have siblings that get on better with them, they are the family unit. They will often buy them nick nacks for the home (more ornaments, cushions, photo frames).
So any ideas?! They have no hobbies, spend their time watching tv/films and visiting siblings and their grandchildren. Dad has done our family tree. They do read, but I wouldn't be able to pick a book for them.
My mum would not appreciate perfume or make up etc etc
I once bought some lovely indoor plants and pots - never saw them again, no idea what happened to them.
I was considering a hamper but I think I would be really limited in what i would buy ( nothing that would need to go in the fridge), i could only really think of jam, tea and hot chocolate!

Sorry for the long post! Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
xxx

A biscuit tin and fill it with nice biscuits and a book token each.

I don’t actually mean this as a dig but I don’t think it’s just gift ideas you are after from this thread.

If your relationship is tricky, OP, you don't have to do any of this. You don't have to visit their house at Christmas. If you absolutely must send a gift, either have a bouquet of flowers delivered or (my preference) make a charitable donation in their name - then at least a charity benefits.

I totally agree! 😆 Hense counselling!

Thank you for the reply. I'll be spending Christmas with in-laws but will visit them before Christmas, it's too noticeable if I don't.

I'd get something really generic that you don't think much about, as with any luck it won't hurt much when they treat it like this. Or alternatively get something YOU think is nice. I had a gift regifted straight back to me within weeks by my FIL. It was a book I had genuinely thought he might enjoy, but in fact I wanted a copy too. So, win-win!

I'd give a Christmas consumable - poinsettia, fancy tin of biscuits - or just give them a book you've enjoyed and can sincerely say was good. Absolute max £15 each. Spend the rest on more therapy.

Incidentally I genuinely love posh bar soap. If you've ever seen bar soap in their toilet or bathroom, those who like it can always use more.

Get something edible - M and S do reasonable hampers or you could make up your own.
It sounds very hard for you and you’ve bought them wonderful gifts in the past.

Many older people don't want want or need anything. If that's the case I give food and drink.

Do you get on with your siblings and nieces / nephews? If so, might you consider things that they would enjoy when visiting your parents?

You say your parents read - so why not the Booker prize list, or Baillie Gifford list (as many as you can afford or think appropriate)? Books are surely welcome for every generation.

I’m with you. Similar situation, my councillor says I shouldn’t buy them gift, she’s right. I do it for myself so I know I’ve done the right thing.

previous years I’ve sent (I don’t see them) things like the bowls of bulbs planted in a nice pot.
pot plants
cream teas
nice soaps
slippers
blankets
heated throws
magazine subscription (gardeners world / bbc good food)

good luck op, it’s not easy xxxx

What do they give you?
I generally use that to work out what I will get someone.
If thoughtful I try and be. If not I don't.

Low cost ideas for the "have to buy for but are undeserving of my thought" are magazine subscriptions or indeed crossword puzzle subscriptions if I know the person likes those. Or a membership to the RSPB as even if they don't go it's helping birds or one for animals etc.

If anyone in their family has had cancer I do a Candis membership as it's a cancer charity with a monthly magazine.

If they Have Everything I do an oxfam "unwrapped" gift as it's called, ie a chicken or cow or farrier training etc fur a person in a third world country.

Basically it's just a card from me on Christmas Day. Inside I put that their present us xyz and they should hear from them soon. Accompanied by a box of biscuits or sweets to unwrap

This reminds me of a recent thread where someone very wisely told the OP they couldn't make their determinedly grumpy parent happy so to just let go of that. Go with simple and practical, so you can be satisfied that you've tried then let go of any expectations of their pleasure.

My other tip is to include a gift receipt so they can return/exchange at their leisure.

And one actual suggestion is a National Theatre At Home subscription. You can buy at different price levels (so will suit any budget) and fits with their 'like theatre/going out less' conundrum. Throw in some posh nibbles and wine.

It sounds like where you've gone wrong is buying them expensive gifts in previous years so now you're struggling to reduce it down to a token gift like a box of biscuits.

Like pp, I'd also be interested in how much they spend on you and how thoughtful the gifts are.

I live in Bristol. Sounds like they like art? Get them a year's membership each to entry to the RWA, it's only £16 each and they have a few exhibitions on every year and if they never use it you've made a small but useful contribution to an excellent art establishment that needs all the support it can get. It's literally like a mini-Tate gallery! Great cafe too.

I was going to suggest a hamper too oP, and this works really well if you are seeing them before Christmas. No one - however unappreciative or curmudgeonly- is not going to see the usefulness of an extra Christmas cake if they are hosting in a few days time. They might say “ well we don’t really eat any of that,” … but they’ll keep it and someone will!

So non fridge items you can do ( and all can be purchased from supermarket and repackaged in clear cellophane bags with a red or tartan ribbon if you think they will complain about the supermarket ( too fancy, too cheap!) are Christmas mince pies, Christmas cake ( adding some pretty glacé fruits on top and repackaging does wonders for a supermarket cake! I once did this when completely caught out for a last minute contribution to a Christmas afternoon tea and everyone assumed it was homemade and fought over it and raved. Felt a bit of a fraud but as I’d said nothing at the first compliment it got awkward to come clean! 😬) . Also shortbread fingers, a plum pudding in a bowl, a bottle or two of posh cordial or wine and you’re done really!
ETA also cheese straws.

That sounds like a shortcut to tooth extraction, though. And I doubt anyone’s fooled by run of the mill supermarket upfs repackaged in a wicker basket.

I would be a bit … perplexed by such a gift; it’s a bit patronising.

I would get them something small but nice - cashmere socks, nice food gift etc.. I wouldn't spend a huge amount of something unless you know that they would like it to be honest. It sounds like they are a bit mean to you so I wouldn't stress! Don't let their actions affect how you feel about yourself.

I like getting hampers! Especially from people who don’t actually know what I’d like as at least I can use it - or much of it.

If they are worried about tooth extraction or health, she could always do a health version, but most people I know pop the odd piece of shortbread and slice of Christmas cake over the Christmas season.

Aha thank you, this could be s good idea!

Yep that's exactly how I feel, thanks for understanding and for the ideas xxx

Thank you for the replies and ideas every one. Getting some thoughts together, so really appreciate it.
And yes I do feel like I've shot myself in the foot by buying them previously lovely expensive presents 🙄😬
Thank you everyone xxx

@Peanuttt here's the link for it. I was there the other day visiting their annual Open Exhibition, it's really fab, such a variety of art.
https://www.rwa.org.uk/collections/gift-vouchers-art-passes-friends-memberships-rwa-bristol/products/rwa-art-pass

Thank you! I think you might have solved it! I often try and find new things for them to do and think this could be. Thank you so much. As ridiculous as it sounds this has been stressing me out a bit 🙄so thank you!

@Peanuttt Aww it's a pleasure! Get one for yourself too and you could all go there together when you visit them? You can do that at the counter in person, it's not usually busy. It's so cheap compared to Tate membership etc.
I'm a big art fan so I'm really pleased you think it's a good idea. 😊