How do you explain charity to children who believe in Santa

[elorana]

Evening all, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself but I have an 18-month old DS who is soon going to celebrate his second Christmas with us. He's obviously still not very aware of what this is all about, we're more at the stage where each bauble, tinsel and garland make him clap with excitement (!), but as I'm busy preparing for the festive season I started to question how other parents manage Christmas and charity. My DH and I donate toys to a Christmas present appeal each year, we buy one a month so we have a few to give and it remains manageable as we buy during the year. We would very much like DS to believe in Santa if he wants to, but how do you explain to him that you give toys for less fortunate children at this time of year? I'd ultimately like to get him involved once he's a bit older and teach him compassion but don't want to ruin the whole Santa thing for him if he chooses to believe. Any good tips from parents who are in a similar situation?

I'm not sure that the concepts of Father Christmas and charity need to step on each other's toes at all, really. Father Christmas is just some eccentric dude who brings a few presents once a year. His remit isn't to prevent children from being deprived throughout the year, or to supply them with essentials rather than extras.
He isn't like God, whose job is to keep everything sorted.
And in any case, it doesn't matter if fantasies have contradictory or impossible aspects. Children surf these amazingly well.
The only way you might possibly run into problems is just by overdoing the whole thing, making it so massive that it actually becomes a source of tension and concern in a child's head, when they see the adults around them soooo preoccupied with building the story up.

What I tell my boys is that all the presents we buy we send to Father Christmas and he brings them all on Xmas Eve (I'm aware this makes absolutely no logistical sense 😂). The little naughty elves take them to the North Pole.
The stocking is from father Xmas, and maybe a special toy or two.

I do this because it people give us presents early and I buy for others and I like to get them involved. If they think father Xmas makes all the toys and decides what they get then I'd never be able to keep it up and it'd make even less sense 🙈

Father Christmas was one of my favourite part of my childhood. My mum did it perfectly. I just hope my boys enjoy it as much as I did 😊

Plus you get the credit for giving the best gifts 💪😉

@Flowerrrr 🙄 of course I can comprehend that other families do things differently. I only said I thought it was odd, I didn't say it couldn't possibly have happened because no one could ever do it that way. I'm sure plenty of people would think things I do are odd. It wouldn't meant they have an inability to comprehend that I do them.

See, this is one of the reasons I kind of dislike the whole Santa thing altogether (and honestly, I am not some joyless monster who doesn't want children to be happy. ...).

Because what about children living in poverty who get little or nothing? On top of their other miseries, are they supposed to accept that Santa just didn't love them/care about them at all/as much as he does wealthy children?

Also seems harsh on kids who are Muslim, or Jehovah's Witnesses, or any other faith that don't celebrate Xmas (Santa only loves Christians and Christian-celebrating atheists?)

I realise the whole Santa mythology is incredibly popular on here, with children apparently "believing" even up to secondary age......(I have worked with secondary age kids for decades, and have to say I don't think I have ever met one who actually thought there was a guy in red who flies through the sky on a magic sleigh delivering presents.....)

To be honest, I do think it's a little weird, that we all try so hard to convince our kids of something that is, in fact, a lie. And that when children try to apply logic to it, when they work out it's obviously nonsensical, we then just lie to them even more, in even more cunning ways, in order to defeat their (correctly applied) logic....

And the poverty argument - it's an even more pressing one not to do the Santa thing - or if you must, please don't make it the main thing about Christmas. The idea of Christmas being a time for celebrating with family, friends, neighbours and the community; for kind and generous gift giving, thoughtfulness and love; and for thinking of those less fortunate than ourselves..... THOSE are magic enough.

OP, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful parent. You are setting your child a wonderful example if you continue to make Christmas a time when you consider and try to help those less fortunate. The mythologising, if you must do it at all (and I realise most people do) should surely come second to that....

I grew up in poverty, we hardly got anything at Christmas and it was still magical. I was acutely aware that friend's recieved more than me, but at that age i didn't take it as an adult assumes children do. Honestly people overthink everything nowadays it's exhausting and mostly pointless. Having worked in a primary school for over 20 years also just don't recognise children coming back in after the holidays and being upset by the discrepancies.

It makes life easier if you don’t tell them that Santa brings everything.

Every year I always say I wish there was one "rule" for parents to follow 😂 I hate the different ways and confusion it can cause, the unfairness.

When I talk about my childhood Christmas I say when I was young everything was from Santa/Father Christmas. Not for a minute do I mean santa brought gifts from my grandparents, aunties, dog etc. They would have gift tags from the family members. I never received gifts from my parents and never questioned it.

It felt simple looking back. But that's probably because I was a child! This also doesn't mean I'm saying what we did was "right" either.

That said we do it differently at home now. Our girls wrote a list for santa, usually two gifts, if more they know they won't get everything from him but they'd be happy for them to pick. They are 6 and 4 so at moment it's nothing too expensive!

Santa then either brings one or two gifts and a stocking with really small fillers and chocolate coins, sweeties, orange etc.

Hubby and I gave them a joint gift of Gabbys Dollhouse last year and some medium sized presents.

We aren't hugely well off so this suits us. I also usually donate a gift to our local gift appeal for a child in the older age range.

I'm derailing but OP I totally understand you thinking about this now 🤣 I remember doing the same thing and I'm still confused years later.

In our family he only brings the stockings. Tree presents are gifts from people.

We'd take our dc to the Giving Tree in our library and buy requested gifts together, so that they understood we were buying gifts for children who did not have family to buy them tree presents, or who could not afford to do so.

We used to make mince pies together and freeze them in small batches. The dc would put a bag of fresh mince pies in each stocking on Christmas Eve, for Father Christmas to take to families who didn't have any. This made complete sense to the dc, as, if we're leaving one out for him to eat when he visits, he obviously doesn't have any at the North Pole to bring to children.

The dc would also put something off their own in their stocking, to help FC help the children who didn't get tree presents. It had to be something in decent condition of course, and I would discreetly take it to a charity shop after Christmas.

If you want your child to understand charity, I think it's important for charity to be an everyday part of your life, not just at Christmas. For example always putting something in the Food Bank box whenever you go shopping, and involving your child in doing this.

santa only brings a small stocking. Any other tree presents, including a main gift, are from mummy and daddy or granny or other relatives. That’s how it was when I was a child too.

My friend told her child that the parents send presents to santa and he delivers them.

I thought it was a bit odd but actually her child seemed just as excited as any other by santa, but a lot more understanding about different experiences as result.

That's how we did it.

Though we also had to explain to 8yo adopted daughter how come for the first 6 years Santa hadn't been (you kept moving), then 2 bumper years in foster care (to catch up), before settling to our system.

This.

We do similar and it's gotten a lot of understanding from the kids. Santa will add in small extra gifts (little add ons to the big stuff, or books etc), Mrs Claus makes some clothes but the big main presents are provided by us. If they are on the good list they get delivered, if not then they are donated to hospitals/charities/held for next year/Santa tells us not to send any and/or any more.

Kids know that some good children are less fortunate than us so we send Santa extra things to give to them.

Our Elf also asks them to do acts of kindness in December like writing Christmas cards, spending time with elderly neighbours, helping at church and clearing out their things for the charity.

It was what was done with me growing up and I believed until I was 11, and for a few years after I played along with believing until I just naturally moved on...there was no big discussion around it or shock. I still get Santa presents from my parents and I'm in my 30s lol.

Santa brings the stocking, it has sweets and small bits (mostly pound shop tat). They get this first thing, so do get excited about it, then get the bigger presents later on.

Actual presents come from perents or the person who gave it. Not everyone has parents or family who are able to give these presents and it wouldn't be fair if they only had a stocking.

I find other people's traditions so interesting, and it also goes to explain why so many films show Father Christmas putting a gift under the tree - I had also assumed it was an American thing. If in your family all the presents come from FC, do you not have stockings? To me that is always the very best bit, to rummage around through the little bits and pieces. Also, how do you explain everyone else in the family exchanging gifts with each other except with the children?

For us, Father Christmas fills a stocking (or rather a small sack) with small toys, underwear, chocolate etc and the presents under the tree all come from and are for family and friends. My young children love to wrap their presents for siblings, grandparents etc and add them under the tree as they get as much pleasure giving as receiving, as it should be. Your charity is part of that, not the FC myth.

Santa and his elves make and deliver the presents but we have to pay for them. Had this when my dd didn't understand why she didn't get as many presents as one of her really well off friends who got things we could never afford, like a barbie dream house and an electric ride on Audi at the same time or a pony another time.

We never had stockings growing up because we'd only get one present, out of having a toy from our list or a stocking full of chocolate or whatever I know which I'd have chosen! I've never thought about it deeply really, but thinking the much wanted toy we excitedly wrote on our lists was from Santa made more sense because otherwise we'd have no doubt questioned why we didn't ever get anything new throughout the year yet they could afford this gift. Obviously growing up it gave a new appreciation of our parents and the amount of scrimping and saving they'd do to save up, but they enjoyed the magic of Christmas more than feeling we had to know they'd bought it. Personally I think it's important for children to develop empathy growing up for others and an understanding about how every family is different and has different resources/opportunities; but having lived that life as a child I have zero desire for my child at a young age to be aware others struggle and have the burden and guilt of that before they can comprehend and rationalise it. I'm always interested whether those making a big deal of the discrepancies and overthinking it are assuming how people living in poverty feel about it, or if they're assuming. It affects every day and every faucet of your life anyway, I don't think we should restrict doing anything fun because others can't.

In our house FC brings a smallish gift and everything else is from us/grandparents etc.
We donate toys to a few different local charities each year and our children are always involved.
We explained that every family has their own agreement with Santa about what he brings (that's why some children get expensive gifts from him and others don't). Sometimes parents forget to make an agreement with him, or perhaps they ask FC not to bring anything but then their circumstances change and it's too late to ask him. When the parents realise they can ask the charities for help so that's why we donate the gifts.
Hope that makes sense! 😅

In our house Santa brings the stocking gifts, family give the big ones. I once read about how children whose parents can’t afford big gifts would ask if they had been bad that year and that’s why they didn’t get what they asked for. It utterly broke my heart to think of those kids. The article suggested a good way to deal with it was to tell your kids that Santa just does stocking gifts, which are obviously lower value so that hopefully, in time this became the norm.

The added bonus of this approach is that my DC know that big gifts are worked and paid for so they should be grateful for them, and that it’s good to give to charity so less privileged children can also have lovely presents.

DD1 is coming up to 5 and we say to her that Santa brings 1 gift and her stocking. We have also told her that different families do presents differently with Santa, as her cousins get all of their gifts (from their parents) from Santa.

We also don't tell her that some children don't get any toys, but that they won't get many gifts so it's nice to be kind and donate our old things to charity or buy and donate gifts for an appeal.

It seems to work for us at the moment

We also acknowledge gifts from family members as from them, to encourage the children to say thank you, rather than everything from Santa

@Marmite27 I'm very similar. Santa needs to be paid and so do the elves and they send me an invoice 🤣🤣🤣. I know one school mum was horrified at me doing this but it saves so much drama and the magic of Christmas is about the season in general and doing nice things together. Also my parents did it like this as we didn't have a car and both parents worked so I distinctly remember being with my mum one Saturday afternoon when Barbie houses had arrived unexpectedly into the local department store (early 1980s Ireland these were difficult to get)and were going to be gone asap and mum bought it and it was kept in the shop store room "for the elves to collect and deliver it to me " with the rest of my stuff. I was so thrilled to get a Barbie house I can't think in reality that I cared who delivered it.

I had no idea til I had kids that Santa operates in so many ways. My Grandma, born 1920 had a stocking with little things in it (an orange, a walnut, a hanky, a bar of soap, twist of barley sugar, pencil, small ball) from Santa, and a bigger present eg a doll, under the tree from 'home' which was opened after lunch. My Mum had similar. When kids started to get more presents as there were more possessions in the post war decades, my Mum kept the tradition, as I have, of little things in the stocking to be opened in the morning and bigger things from family under the tree for later. My Mums family and my childhood were austere Methodists and were into delayed gratification. Kids waking up and opening all their presents in a frenzy on Christmas morning was seen as a bit infra dig. We didnt have a tradition of writing to Santa, nor of good/ naughty lists. So giving gifts for children whose family had less money was not at all inconsistent. I nearly blew it with a friend, as I hadn't realised my gift to her son should have gone in his Santa sack, I gave it to him in person. She did some fast talking!

At our house, Santa brings the stocking. Everything extra is bought by parents. Honestly, at 18 months he's not going to ask any questions about it for a while and will accept very flimsy explanations.

Tell them most poor people live in flats without a chimney for Santa to come down?