How do do Christmas after a really hard time

[Icedlatteplease]

I used to love Christmas. Get really excited by the whole thing. Used to do fairly regular Christmas Disney trips with our tree and all the decorations being Disney themed and collected from when the kids were really young up until a couple of years back. Christmas (and Disney) remained joyful despite divorce, financial lose, sn diagnosis and all sorts. It really was a shining light in the year. DS for all the challenges he had in life absolutely came alive at disney and watching him was truly a blessing. The decorations were full of wonderful memories and really made me smile.

Then DS got really sick a few years back. Really horrific time. Christmas that year was, well, I don't even remember it. Last year he was actually in hospital the opposite end over the country. Christmas was a half hour visit with him followed by DD and I eating Indian in a local hotel. DD and her friends tried to get the tree up but it ended up bare as noone could face decorating it, especially with the Disney decorations (Disney trips are likely a thing of the past unless we leave DS behind which we cant do). The Disney decorations are just unbearable, they used to be a sign of how you can be happy even when life was challenging, now they just make you think how life can get even worse when you thought it was hard enough already.

Generally we do OK and worked out how to do life happily with the new limitations and restrictions but Christmas just seems to get a massive fucking reminder of everything that has gone or become impossible.

My elderly parents have bailed on this year in advance and booked a holiday over the whole thing (not unusual for them my mum's never been a fan). The sibling I'm closest to and would usually spend Christmas with actually died around 18months ago. My other sibling have their own family and I'm not sure DS would cope with that many people being there anyway. DS cannot travel anywhere overnight. He might be able to do a Christmas market this year, but Christmas lights events with him last we tried were too challenging for his carers.

None of us really need any stuff. DS is unlikely to sit through any kind of present opening anyway

I know I probably have to replace the Disney decorations but I can't bear it either way, replacing them (I won't get rid off) or putting it up. DD and I went looking at decorations at the range the other day. I just felt a bit sick.

I've thought about booking Christmas dinner out for DD DS+carer and me but I'm not entirely sure how comfortable DS would actually be in that environment or whether he would have the patience to sit long enough for DD to enjoy a meal

I have absolutely no idea how to do Christmas this year. Help!

I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds really tough. Have you asked your son what he would like to do? Maybe being guided by him will make it a much better day for all of you?
I would put the Disney baubles away just for this year and maybe keep his one favourite one on the tree. Ask how he would like his room decorated and how he would like to spend Christmas day? Maybe his carer will have an insight too?

That sounds really tough. Sending love to you and your DS.

For me, Christmas became more about spending time together than the gifts, decorations etc when the DCs’ dad moved abroad and it was just us, so Xmas day itself is very low key. We get their favourite dinner, pasta bake or a pizza usually! And of course there are gifts but it doesn’t need to be piles of them, so no need for your DS to have to ‘sit through’ it, You could even have them at the table to open before you eat.

Then we usually go out for a walk.
Traditionally I manage to get us lost and they all panic that we’re never going to find our way home despite us all having our phones. That’s fun Then home for a Christmas film and some chocolates and mince pies in front of the TV.

Obvs I don’t know how old or how verbal etc your DS is, but I’d just try and make it a slightly better normal day than a big celebration. Maybe look at tree ornaments that remind you of other happy times in your life - eg from your childhood? Or hang daft things on the tree (we have squirrels and mushrooms, a burger, some M&Ms, a naked man and various other oddments!)

I know it must be hard when one thing has always represented Xmas to you but as your DCs grow up it’s ok to change things up a bit, and if the old stuff makes you feel sad then it’s not doing its job.

I don't know but I'm so sorry op.

Accept a low key christmas, accept harmony and lower all other expectations. Buy a ready cooked Christmas meal package, make it as easy and stress free as possible.

I ve had horrendous Christmases as well. Have been bereaved twice at Christmas. It changes your outlook on it. I can't wait until I can fly away and avoid it all.

Anyway for the moment, low stress, low expectation, there is no "magic", but there can be calm and comfort at home.

That sounds incredibly tough for all of you.

What can your son cope with?
What would your daughter love?

It sounds very very hard. How about you get one of those small twig like trees (or even some twigs and make your own), then spend time together online browsing decorations and each choose one very special ornament that's meaningful to each individual in some way. They say how and why. So your tree is a reflection of what matters and of the now, and in the future is a reminder of that too.

Could you and your daughter go out one day and buy new decorations, chosen by her? I know it would be difficult for you but I'm sure she would love it.

How old are your children now?

I love the idea of maybe keeping one favourite one out. @ChillWith perhaps that could make a non Disney Christmas tree not so bitter

I hadn't thought to ask him so I just did.

He said doesn't mind (stock response). Although tbh that's probably true, as long as he knows where we are and can go off and do his own thing he probably doesn't care much. He did say he would like to do some Christmas lights. I might see if anywhere is doing a quiet session we can try.... either that or if anyone has any idea how I can put something on him that makes him more visible in low light that might also work.

I'm dreading talking Christmas with his carers. I don't want them pressured to spend Christmas with us, but if they dont it could well be someone random. Oh i just remembered our lovely Muslim carer did the first Christmas and genuinely bought his own energy to the place where DD and I were definitely lacking. But different agency now.

@SnowflakeSmasher86 I'm not sure i would care too much if we could just still get coffee and cake Christmas day at the same English heritage place we do 3 times a week the rest of the year!!! That has been our happy place the last 2 years!! Your right about the old things just not doing their job, time to let them go. Pizza or Chinese would work a treat if I could find somewhere open Christmas day.

@MounjaroUser
Generally she's not convinced either, if either of us could muster the enthusiasm we probably would have picked up a basic pack the other day.

I'm wondering it I might have to get a natural Christmas tree this year. DD has always wanted one growing up but i really didn't want the faff (or the cost). In fact I'm thinking natural decorations might be the way to go....

Send much love to everyone who has also had horrendous Christmass. Appreciating everyones kind thoughts

This all sounds so difficult OP, but what comes across is your love for you children, and it sounds like you have done an amazing job keeping it all together over a very difficult time.

As other have said, maybe just handpick the bits you all like. Ask what everyone would like to eat that day and feel no pressure to have a traditional Christmas meal or day. Just focus on your and your children's wants. It sounds like your daughter is aware that things will need to change to accommodate her brothers health, maybe talk to her and check this and come up with a plan for the day so everyone understands everyone's wants and limits.

For the decorations, if it's too painful, just don't bother with the disney. Maybe look for other deocrations, hallmark do a range of film, character ones that could start a new tradition?
Maybe just go simple and do handmade paper garlands? I'm saying that but obviously you sound busy so don't add to your workload if you don't want to.

It sounds like you are grieving what you have had previously and that is understandable and will take time, so be honest about how hard this is for you and be kind to yourself. Life is not fair as you know. Sending you and your family love.

You’ve done an amazing job persisting through all that horrendous stuff 💐. it sounds like the baubles are triggering your feelings of loss, which is totally understandable. I hope those feelings will pass in due time when you’ve processed an overwhelming lot of emotions. You’ll be so glad of those memories in the future. It sounds like taking it easy would be the best plan. Sending a big handhold.

Natural is a really nice way to go, then maybe spend time making some natural decorations (spray pine cones gold, thread dried orange slices or popcorn etc and maybe try to get back to the old pagan festivals celebrating light in winter with candles and stories etc. Really hunker down into the cosy winter vibe.

Maybe taking cake and a flask of hot chocolate on one of your regular walks would make it seem more special, but still familiar.

We’ve been to Indian restaurants on Xmas day and I’m sure they’d do takeaway too. Most of them don’t even charge more and have their usual menu, although some do. We got Dominos delivered on Xmas Eve one year and reheated it, as they were closed Xmas day. Sounds terrible but the kids enjoyed it, so that’s what I did!

You don’t need to go to a big lights switch on etc, just ask on your local Facebook which streets have good lights. There’s usually one or two streets that go all in and have amazing displays, collect for charity etc so you can just go for a drive around and see who can spot the best lights.

And my suggestions are in no way trying to diminish how hard it has been for you this year or how tough it is at Xmas, so please feel free to ignore. Just thinking that sometimes when you feel like the magic is lost you can find a little spark of it in a really simple thing.

Sorry for the loss of your sibling and Christmas in hospital is bloody awful (been there myself as a child).

I think the problem is that while you are struggling and you DS has issues you do really need to allow your DD to have little joyful things. It can be very hard on kids when they have a high need sibling and the often miss out just because they 'need' less and attention is diverted but more than just needs should be accounted for for a happy life.

If she has tried to put the tree up last year etc... she clearly wants to do these things still.

Have you talked to a Dr about your feelings, after our loss I struggled with xmas. I just had no energy for it when I use to love it and go all out. Looking back I was suffering with a bit of depression, I think when people have had a bad year/event then Christmas really hammers it home like a spotlight on it. I don't know if medication could or would have helped me but it might be worth a try for you if your still struggling.