Long story short, I’m in my 40’s, youngest of my siblings from a large family, I have a child who is 8. I have older brothers and sister, all have kids. My mum in her 80’s isn’t in the best health, we lost my dad 30+ years ago, she has a lovely partner now, not married. My issue here is that I’m the only one out of all of the siblings who makes time for her. I call her every other day to chat and go visit her at least once a week. We go out places. I invite them for meals. They usually come to mine for Christmas lunch.
One sibling works shifts so barely sees her and is autistic so not very forthcoming with affection or emotions, never buys cards or flowers or anything. Another sibling lives abroad and calls ‘when he can’ but it’s not that regular and often when I speak with her she’s been sat waiting for a promised phone call that isn’t going to happen.
It’s my other sibling that I have the main issue with. She literally only ever calls when she wants something. It’s become a running joke that she called to ask for advice or get some work done on her house by my step-dad. Never just to chat. It can also be months between these random calls (currently it’s a year since she last made contact with me). She only visits mum around her birthday and Christmas as she knows mum will hand out cards which have cash in them. Usually upwards of £100 per person…she is very much a can’t give one without giving the other type of person so everyone gets the same…siblings, children, grandchildren, everyone’s partners, great grandchildren…even extended step kids. None one person says Thankyou. Now my mum says she doesn’t give to receive and I try to have the same mentality but after years and years of one sided selfish gift giving I am at the end of my tether. Not one person called her on Christmas Day or Boxing Day to wish her merry Christmas (except me!) and not one person has sent her a card or a thankyou. No one sends her birthday cards or Mother’s Day cards except me.
I always send cards to my immediate and extended family, every year, birthday, Christmas, they always get a card and until recently a gift too. I dropped the gift and started putting money in the card, £20, £10 and now dropped to £5 as I never get a card in return, not even a Thankyou text, not even a phonecall or social media post. This has been my entire adult life. My immediate family are all older than me, all have grown up kids, my extended family are similar in age to me and my child as are their kids. We get odd cards and the odd gift from extended family, but nothing from the blood family.
I am teaching my child to send a Thankyou card, or at the best least a Thankyou in person for every single one of his gifts. But I’m at the point where I’m seriously questioning the time and effort we go to every year choosing cousin, niece, nephew, sister, brother cards…the cash inside and the cost to post them.
I really want to call them out and say how selfish and ungrateful it is. Not for me but for my child and for my mum! I regularly get her in tears on the phone saying how she doesn’t know what she’s done to upset the family, and I try to explain that she hasn’t done anything it’s just them being selfish.
I have already told my sister in not so many words that she needs to do better and she will regret it when mum isn’t around anymore. Hence why I don’t think she has spoken to me in a year. Truth hurts. Mum has bailed her out 10 fold over the years, she’s had way more than her fair share off mum, some she promised to pay back and nothing ever materialised. Mum won’t confront anyone, she just makes excuses for them all. But in a couple of weeks when she’s crying down the phone I want to explode at them all!
I honestly feel like an only child! And to be honest I feel like my mum would be better off if I was.
My mum has said she wants me to be her executor in her will and is also discussing setting up Power of Attorney incase she loses her faculties. I’m concerned that the ‘family’ will come sniffing around at that point hoping for a payout or jewellery or something and I hate to say it but there isn’t anything. Mum has no assets. She has a small amount of savings which is will probably just about cover a basic funeral. The bits of jewellery that weren’t stolen a few years back whilst on holiday to India I know are promised to my older brother. I know what she wants and where it is meant to go. There isn’t anything else and even if there was I feel like It would be unfair to give my sister and her spoilt brats any as they have had more than their fair share over the years and never make any effort. I know that they will be there wailing claiming all sorts of rights, however I am fuming at just how selfish and ungrateful they all are.
AIBU?? WWYD?