How do you avoid Christmas feeling so… disheartening?

[peachgreen]

This is the first time I’ve properly done Christmas since my DH died three years ago. Since then I’ve spent Christmas with family, gritted my teeth and got through it, but this year I decided to do it at home as my 5 year old DD is just at the right age and I have a great partner who I knew would make it easier etc. I still made sure to make it as simple as possible for myself (not least because we’ve only just moved house) – dinner was all pre-prepped and just needed thrown in the oven at various times, I got easy wrapping bags for most of the presents etc etc.

But still here I am at 8pm just wanting to get into bed and cry. I have been working towards this day for weeks and now it’s over feel so completely and utterly flat and taken for granted. Which I know is ridiculous because DD is only 5 and was really pretty good, besides the odd moan about her presents / not having anyone to play with etc (a source of great guilt and sadness for me as DH died just as we had started trying for a second). But I just feel completely wrung out. I haven’t stopped all day and I don’t see how I could have done it any differently – we did stockings, then visited family (unavoidable), then came home to open the main presents, then I started dinner and that was the rest of the afternoon, and now DD is totally amped up, alternating between crying hysterically and being completely hyper.

I feel so pathetic for feeling this way but I am so overstimulated that everything is irritating me, from DD crunching a candy cane to DP leaving his presents lying around. I know I’m being completely unreasonable and I’m doing my very best not to show it to DD or DP, but either way I don’t want to feel like this next year. How can I avoid it?

The worst thing is that we have visitors coming on the 27th and 28th so I have to spend all day tomorrow cooking and cleaning and putting away the mountain of new toys when I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I KNOW this is absolutely pathetic and no different to what everyone else is doing but it’s just rubbish!

You aren’t pathetic. You have a huge loss and finding your own way, in this new normal.

i can assure you. It’s not what we are all doing.

I am a single parent. Not through bereavement though. The kids don’t see their dad. My Christmas is based around what we want.

We don’t drive and visit relatives Christmas Day. Because non of us want to. People can come here for breakfast and I do a pile of bacon out out with some bread and let them make a sandwiches themselves and I make drinks.

I don’t do a huge dinner or host lists of people because it’s not what we want.

my mum died just before Christmas 2 years ago. Losing mum was nothing compared losing your life partner. But I could go to bed and cry right now, while I am on sofa watching Godzilla for the 10th time with DS 🙄, because I miss her so much. I hate she is missing out on our new memories. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you.

You are doing a lot. It’s an emotional day when you are bereaved. Kids get over whelmed.m and can be difficult. You didn’t do something wrong

You aren’t doing anything wrong. You are being to hard on yourself. Maybe next year do less hosting, if that’s what you want. It’s really ok.

Please be kind to yourself. You are doing so well.

@peachgreen so sorry for your loss.

the lesson is to centre yourself and your immediate family more.

less visiting and hosting. No one HAS to visit relatives on Xmas day.

next year say clearly that you won’t be doing that and offer a new tradition instead that does work for you.

this year. Cancel at least one of the things you are supposed to be hosting.

go on. Message now and say you are terribly sorry but you are feeling unwell / coming down with something and need to cancel.

sometimes a white lie is what’s needed.

get into bed. Don’t get up and cook and host tomorrow

Thank you both so much for being so kind. I feel absolutely ridiculous but I’m here in the bath sobbing my heart out! Just before DD went to bed we exchanged cards and hers said — entirely unprompted, according to DP — “everything you do is lovely for me”. That broke the floodgates and I was off. Then as we were going upstairs DD said “I know you’re happy crying but are you also crying because you miss Daddy?” I think I had underestimated how much I would still miss him, even though I am so lucky to have found such a beautiful, understanding, kind DP. The grief is still very raw on days like today and I miss him so much. And of course then I also feel guilty on top of everything else, because DP is so great and because I am so lucky to be here with DD when DH would give anything to be the one that was still here and I should make the most of it not get cross with her for crunching a candy cane! It’s an emotional minefield and I guess I’m physically and emotionally exhausted.

Ah bless kids. They can turn the most fraught days into something so special.

It’s ok for her to see that you miss her daddy. She will too even with limited memories and it might and impacted her behaviour today.

Your dp sounds lovely. But he can’t take away the grief. No matter how wonderful he is, it’s normal and ok to feel like you do. I am sure he understands. Grief comes out, even more in happy times. I am sure your do understands that.

I am so sorry for your loss and I am happy you and dd ended the day on a magical moment.

It’s just another day.

Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the hype of thinking everything needs to be a certain way for it to be a success.

It’s not possible to live up to the hype and expectation set by the shops/tv/media etc.

I’ve had a lovely day, but that’s down to focusing on the friends I’ve seen today, not to gifts/food/magic……… and certainly not because I expect Xmas day to run to a certain, inflexible ideal.

I’m sorry about your husband, that’s really shit and complex and I’m glad you’ve found a lovely new partner.
Christmas is just a lot of work and organisation, as lovely as it is. I do sometimes feel jealous of those that pop to the pub Xmas morning and then head to their parents who have prepped and sorted Xmas dinner for them - even though I’m lucky in my own circumstances.
I think expectations are piled on so high to have a perfect magical day when the reality can be overexcited, sugar filled kids by the end of the day. Your daughter will have had a lovely day, you’re allowed to have had a bit of a tough time. Good sleep tonight, hopefully everything feels better tomorrow.

You are doing so well, cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself.

I have stage 4 cancer and have no idea if this Christmas will be my last, but it probably will. And yet I've lost my temper with my noisy, gorgeous, irritating and amazing teenagers many times today, partly because of their noise and mess and also because of the pressure I've put on myself to make this Christmas as perfect as possible.

Your daughter sounds lovely, as does your partner but of course you are going to be massively missing your DH today. That won't go away but it will become less raw but in the meantime you need to let your feelings in.

I just wanted to give you such a big hug really and tell you how amazingly well you're doing. Grief is debilitating and so painful. You deserve a break and to just be in the moment with your daughter and new partner without running round after everyone and hosting. Cut back as much as you can and don't demand perfection from yourself. 💐

I’m so sorry @TwigTheWonderKid. That must be unimaginably hard. Thank you for taking the time to console me, that’s incredibly generous. I hope you have a lovely evening.

It’s completely understandable after such a huge loss. It must be very hard

Thank you so much everyone, you have all helped hugely by being so understanding. I did put myself under too much pressure today, even though I swore I wasn’t doing that – I was! I feel better after a bath and a good old cry.

OP I really think you are being too hard on yourself. I have a few friends who have normalised grief being long term… and totally shit.

Prioritise yourself tomorrow. Duvet day, feel good film and left overs. People
are coming to see you not a clean house

You sound lovely and so does your little girl. Please don't be so hard on yourself x

Peach green I have thought about you so many times. I am so glad you have someone in your life but I also know how complicated a layer that is to addd. You are still in the early years of grief, as is your little dd. And Christmas is a bugger. Just go with the flow and don’t put pressure on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with a good cry. Emotions can be tricky sometimes and you just have to let them come. Perhaps next year, actively plan your bath and glass of wine. And if you find you don’t need it, then that’s good, too.

If your new DP understands and doesn’t take it personally, he might just be a keeper.

This post had me thinking for a while.. you've had such wonderful responses above, and I agree wholeheartedly. You are so human, feeling the depths of emotions and its really okay.

I was trying to think of your title question rather than your post- what can I do next year?
What are the bits from this year that actually you really did love? Even if it's just 1 moment? I would focus on those moments and decide to count them as tradition. And maybe you could try and plan next Christmas around those little moments, make those Happy moments your tradition.
But also- is there a part of your day where actually you could have given yourself an hour where you could really just be allowed to feel all of the emotions that would have helped you with the rest of your day? I don't mean the evening, when everything is too much, but maybe instead an hour after lunch? Your partner and daughter could spend that hour playing games or even slugging out watching TV letting dinner go down and you could just unbottle that emotional bottle, ugly cry if you need to, and then recenter yourself to allow yourself to not feel guilty, appreciate that actually you are doing a blooming amazing job, and you can have an amazing afternoon, like an emotional reset button.

Just a little idea :)

Even if you decide not to do anything differently, I just think you are doing an incredible job during a really difficult day, and your little family appreciate you wholly.

Be kind to yourself. Just that card shows you are doing an outstanding job.

He is amazing @TheSandgroper , so patient and understanding and willing to make room for DH. He is a very kind man, I have been very fortunate.

@Bumblebeesince19 I think that’s a really good idea. Previous years I have done that, and I think I need to – I definitely felt a lot better after having a good cry and venting here.

Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much you helped. And thank you @pinkhousesarebest for thinking of us and for understanding.

I agree with others. The best way to enjoy Christmas is have very low expectations and don't do anything you don't want to.

IMO, when your child is between the ages of 3-9, I wouldn't bother visiting people. This is the peak age for children just wanting lots of presents. They want everything opened all at once and want to play with EVERYTHING all at the same time. Trying to squeeze a visit into boring granny's house where there is no pile of exciting new toys to play with is a nightmare.

If you're hosting, host on your terms. The pile of toys can stay where it is and they can work around it. You can go out to eat with them or order in a takeaway (I refuse to cook for certain family members anymore after they took the piss).

I gaf a lovely Christmas this year but it was because my expectations were on the floor. It was my first post separation. But it was lovely and relaxed because there was no pressure.

Bless you, @peachgreen
I can't imagine how hard it has been for you. I think the advice from @Bumblebeesince19 is very wise.
I would take this years experience as one to reflect upon & to draw insights from.
Grief is such a tricky beast as it hovers in the background, & then it side swipes us when we can least cope with it. I would factor in the expectation that you are going to cry & be upset on days like this & i would warn your lovely DP that you might need a bit of quiet time next year on Christmas day.

I would also remove any expectation to do "the right thing" next year. I wouldn't go out visiting, as you have a young child & I wouldn't be having people to stay either. Once you've given yourself permission to not offer or to decline these things, you will feel very liberated & it can set the tone for future events/years too.

I think it's easy to feel guilty about not doing what's expected but actually it has such a knock on for all of you.

We have a teen with autism, & she's been really hard work over these last 2 weeks & I think it's because her routine has changed. We've also had Covid recently, so were not feeling great. I had to have a disco nap yesterday afternoon, as I was shattered & my daughter was bing quite capricious. Just that time away was enough for me to reset & come back downstairs in a better mood! Even having the TV on was irritating me, with all the loud Christmas films on 😅

I think we need to lean into how we feel & acknowledge what we need & not feel guilty about it. It makes us better people.

It also sounds like you have a lovely family and a very switched on daughter. Enjoy what you can over this period & take whatever time you need. Hug your darling partner & daughter & cut yourself some slack. Sending you a big MN hug xx

Merry Christmas @peachgreen - nice to hear from you again.

It sounds like you’re doing really well, you always sound so thoughtful and kind, how lucky your little girl is. And your DP too.

I hope you’ve been able to reflect on yesterday a bit more today. Lots of emotions going on, you’re doing a marvellous job. Best wishes xxx