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Original poster

MIL ISSUES

17 replies

Fbcip2023 · 17/12/2023 09:22

Hi,

I don't like my MIL - the main reason is she doesn't make an effort with our kids. Has seen them once for 1 hour in the last 18 months, and that was only cause my husband arranged it.

My husband has just told me he said to his mum were going to go see her on Christmas or boxing day - I don't think she deserves our time, especially on these days. These days are meant to be spent with people you love and care about, not someone who only contacts you when she needs something, and that has seen your 5 yo about 4 times in their whole life.

I understand it's my husband mum, and I genuinely think he is trying to make there be a bond, which there never will be, so it is sad for him... But already my blood is boiling at the thought of this visit.

Is anyone else in this position? It is so infuriating. I really don't want to cause an argument with my husband about it, but I have never disliked someone so much in my life and I don't want her to be a part of our Christmas.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/12/2023 09:24

Maybe she doesn't make an effort cos she knows you hate her?

How did you get on with her before the kids?

Eekmystro · 17/12/2023 09:27

Why did your DH think he can plan your Xmas day without discussing it with you first? I find that really odd.

Id just share you thoughts in as neutral a way as possible with your DH. Maybe compromise that you visit her Boxing Day but stay home xmas day.

I totally get why you don’t want to spend xmas with her if you have a minimal relationship with her.

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/12/2023 09:32

Tell him you're happy for him to take the children to see her on Boxing Day but you're staying home.

Perfect time to have a relaxing bath with a glass of something fizzy and a few chocolates.

He doesn't want to have such a disinterested Mum, this is his way of pretending she's different.

WowOK · 17/12/2023 09:34

I'd tell him to go and enjoy spending time with his mum. I wouldn't go.

AnotherDayAnotherDoller · 17/12/2023 09:37

This sounds really frustrating OP.
But possibly your Husband just needs support on this one.....if his Mother is pretty absent- he likely has some shitty feelings around that.
Does it help to consider it as being for him not her.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 17/12/2023 09:39

What effort do you make to see her?

Why does it all have to come from her?

Whataretheodds · 17/12/2023 09:41

Have you talked to your husband about why she hasn't been in contact more? Was she like this before the kids were born? Does she call or text?
How far away does she live, any mobility restrictions?

ChubbyMorticia · 17/12/2023 09:43

I’d tell him he’s welcome to see her and take the kids on Boxing Day but I wouldn’t be going.

Why did he make plans without discussing it with you? That I’d have a problem with, regardless of who the plans were with.

Pootles34 · 17/12/2023 09:43

Agree entirely with @AnotherDayAnotherDoller . It's shit, I know, but it will be worse for him as he had her for a mother. Support your husband on this one.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 17/12/2023 09:47

I agree with you OP. We used to have the same issue with FIL, he always wanted to be a priority on high days and holidays but our kids didn't even know who he was as they never saw him.

I told DH I didn't think it was fair to cut short time with people who made an actual effort either the kids to see a virtual stranger to them.

Could you suggest maybe the day after boxing day or day before Xmas eve? (If you're not busy on those days) so that Dh still gets to see his mum. If you've only seen her for an hour in the last 18months would she even want a long visit? Or would you be blocking out a whole day/afternoon for her to fly by and leave you resentful that you've blocked out that time?

Original poster
Fbcip2023 · 17/12/2023 11:36

@Dacadactyl she does know I don't like her. This is due to various things.. she announced our pregnancy on FB when I asked her not too cause we'd had complications, she was manipulative with my son when he was younger, she uses my husband when she needs something, she has cancelled several plans over the years for various reasons which both me and my husband didnt agree with.

She never calls or text re the kids, she doesn't ask to see them... I understand that it's got to work both ways, but at the same time my family/friends bend over backwards to see the kids that fits in around their schedule and help us out and she just has no interest in them whatsoever.

OP posts:
Mrsm010918 · 17/12/2023 11:47

Fbcip2023 · 17/12/2023 11:36

@Dacadactyl she does know I don't like her. This is due to various things.. she announced our pregnancy on FB when I asked her not too cause we'd had complications, she was manipulative with my son when he was younger, she uses my husband when she needs something, she has cancelled several plans over the years for various reasons which both me and my husband didnt agree with.

She never calls or text re the kids, she doesn't ask to see them... I understand that it's got to work both ways, but at the same time my family/friends bend over backwards to see the kids that fits in around their schedule and help us out and she just has no interest in them whatsoever.

Im usually on the side of the DIL but tbh you sound like the problem.

OK, I can understand the FB thing.

But how can she have been manipulative if she's only seen him a handful of times?

And really if she wants to cancel something she can, she doesn't need you to approve her reasons.

You sound like you want her to be fawning all over you with no effort from yourselves.

Your DH can go over boxing day and take the kids if they want to go, you can stay at home and have a few hours peace and quiet

Original poster
Fbcip2023 · 17/12/2023 11:55

@DisforDarkChocolate - I would love to do this, but she is very manipulative with this kids and I like to be there. My daughter also doesn't know who she is cause she has only seen her a handful of times. The last time she seen her, which was 18 months ago, she referred to her as 'that lady'. I just don't feel comfortable my kids being in her company.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fbcip2023 · 17/12/2023 11:58

@ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy she cancelled ok childcare loads when the kids were younger. Made excuses up when we would make plans.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/12/2023 12:01

Does your DH visit her? You can't (or shouldn't) dictate her relationship with your DC ... if they don't see her that regularly it shouldn't be a problem if they don't 'know ' her particularly well. DH can visit on his own or take the DC. You do sound rather controlling and it seems that you are only interested in a 'childcare' sort of relationship.

Original poster
Fbcip2023 · 17/12/2023 12:08

@Ragwort we don't need childcare - I work from home.

My husband doesn't particularly have a great relationship and also has alot of the same feelings as me towards her - he knows she wil only contact him when she needs something from him and has on occasions mentioned that his family aren't bothered about our children.

I just don't think believe that if there is not relationship or interest in the kids are any other time of the year, that it should be any different at Christmas.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/12/2023 12:10

It's interesting that you say your DH doesn't have a good relationship with his DM but has announced he wants to visit her on Christmas Day ... have you asked him why? Is he feeling guilty? What is her situation.. is she very elderly? Living alone?

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