Expectations of Christmas gift from older cousins to baby cousin.

[LilBabyAlina]

Hello All,

I've been giving Christmas ($100) and birthday ($100 til age 15, then $160 at age 16, then $10 more each year until age 21) presents to both my nephew (20) & niece (19) since birth. (So $200 each this year just for their birthday)
My wife & I had our first child 2 years ago and my wife was upset that neither my nephew nor niece gave a small present (~$10, it's the thought that counts) for our daughter last year for Christmas.
This year, my wife thought that I should request my nephew & niece (since they are "brainless kids" according to my wife) to get something small for our daughter so I obliged and sent a text to them both to get something small ($10-$20). A few days later, I talked to my sister (their mother) about my request to get her opinion about my request and she thought that it was a weird request since we never exchanged gifts with our cousins and cousins don't typically exchange gifts.
Are older cousins expected to provide Christmas presents for younger cousins if there is a big age gap? They are both students but have access to funds as their mother is a physician and their father is an attorney.
I've already explained to my wife 2 years ago that I decided long ago that I would give them birthday presents until age 21, but haven't decided about the limitation of Christmas presents after age 21. It's only 2 more years of birthday giving to my niece and 1 year to my nephew. My financial situation is not bad but I am the sole income provider.
However, the past few Christmas and their birthdays, my wife has gotten upset with the reasoning that I am not single anymore and I need to cut back on giving to my nephew and niece since we have a child and gifts are not reciprocated from my niece and nephew. My sisters don't have any issue with giving Christmas and birthday gifts to our daughter, other than the type (not cost) of gifts that we are requesting (like a bounce house, instead of developmental toys when she thinks that we need to concentrate more on our child's development).
So a few times a year, my wife gets upset about the same topic which results in an argument. She comes from a different culture that doesn't celebrate Christmas and thinks that my nephew and niece are old enough to spend $10 on our daughter so her negative feelings are all about mannerisms.

Any advice on our situation would be greatly appreciated.

~Bah Humbugged,
Mike

You sound incredibly money orientated and babies dont need gifts.

Cousins have never bought for cousins in my family or DHs.
Aunts and uncles buy for nieces/nephews, stopping at 21 for birthday and Christmas. They continue to send cards signed from themselves and all their adult offspring and offspring's partners. But said adult offspring do not buy or send cards to their cousins whether child or adult. We do send WhatsApp messages though.

Your niece and nephew don't need to buy for your baby because their parent does on behalf of the family unit.

One of my DD's cousins used to buy her gifts and then started taking her out. (I use to do the same when he was small.)

I then told the cousin last year to just take her out and not buy gifts as she gets a lot of stuff due to being the youngest girl amongst family, friends and neighbours.

It is better for your child to know her older cousins so they spend time with her than to buy her gifts. That way they can be additional people she can turn to when she's older.

I think you buy for your sister's kids and she buys for yours. So that's fair in my view.

It wouldn't hurt for your nephew and niece to make a bit of an effort but I do also know that teens and young adults can be a bit thoughtless. Even though they're technically adults, they are still in 'child mode' and haven't fully matured yet.

I think your wife has got a bee in her bonnet about this - possibly because you are making unilateral decisions about what you will and won't do and you are married - money is not solely yours when you are the only worker and have joint finances. I think this might be the root of what's pissing her off.

I do think your wife is right that you could cut back on the spending though. Standard in my family is £10 per child for birthday or Christmas. £20-30 if a special one or parents are a bit more flush that year.

I am very close to my nearest in age cousin and we have never bought one another anything at all, apart from possibly the occasional coffee.
My parents bought presents for her when she was young, because she was their niece, but neither my brother nor I ever bought for cousins.

Cousins don't buy for cousins in my family and it doesn't seem like they do in yours either.

That said, you have been a very generous uncle over the past 20 years and if I were your sister I would have said to my children "for god's sake go out and buy a small present for your new cousin". Or I would have added in a couple of things to my present and put all our names on it.

But I wouldn't have raised it with my sister either if they didn't

Basically your nephew and niece should have the grace to buy a small present for their cousin. Their mother or father should have suggested it. you shouldn't have raised it with your sister.

When I say buy a present I mean when she was born - not for xmas or birthdays.

Never known cousins to exchange gifts regardless of any age gap. Your wife needs to get over herself.

I never heard of cousins buying for cousins. I buy for my brothers children and he buys for mine. Personally I think the expectation is on the siblings to buy gifts for their niece/nephew.

Of course it would be nice for the older cousins to buy something under their own steam, but I don’t think it should be forced or be an expectation.

Your wife is bonkers. As pp said, you buy for your niece and nephew, your sister buys for your child.

Looking at it logically your child hasn't bought anything for them either. The relationship where gifts are given is from Uncle to nephew/niece, therefore should you anticipate anything it would be from Aunt to niece. It will be less complicated if you don't start trying to encourage cousins giving otherwise you will be spending even more on them because your dd would need to buy them each a present.

I was the youngest cousin - 10/20 year age gap.

Only one cousin ever got me a gift and that's only because she lived with us after her parent died.

It's a very strange expectation you have, that cousins should buy each other gifts. It's not the done thing. Uncles and Aunts buy for nieces and nephews usually until age 18, then a 21st gift but then the gift giving tends to stop.

Your child is not entitled to anything from your sibling's grown up children.

Crikey, I'm embarrassed for you sending that message. Why should the niece and nephew send presents to your baby? Their parents send your baby gifts so you're actually being greedy. Just knock it all on the head, don't give gifts on the expectation of receiving some back.

Thank you all for the opinions, advice, and replies. My wife now understands that it's not in the culture here, as from her culture at the age of my nephew and niece, they give gifts to new baby members of the family so she developed a dislike for the nephews and nieces Unfortunately, and mostly focusing on any of their wrongdoings and such.

Guess I should have posted this, before sending a text to my nephew and niece.
Thanks all!!