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Christmas

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Original poster

Uninviting my mother at Christmas

24 replies

Bahhhhhhhumbug · 11/12/2023 14:12

I absolutely feel awful about this so please be kind

We are a blended family - 4 children. This year for the first time we have all 4 of our children on Christmas Eve, all day, and they are going to their other parents at some point early afternoon Christmas Day for a few days, so this is our only time with them

So we are planning on doing everything we would normally do Christmas Day on Christmas Eve - dinner, games, movies etc - then we just have presents to open Christmas Day before they leave us

I have one sibling, who has invited my Mum (75yo, widowed) to hers on Christmas Day.

I mentioned to my Mum what our plans were on Christmas Eve and she looked at me expecting an invite, which I felt I had no option but to do. However since discussing with DP, he has expressed that he really would like it to be just us with the kids on Christmas Eve, as it’s our only time with them. We are more than happy for Mum to come and see the children at some point on Christmas Eve (I know she really wants to see mine), but we do not want this to be an extended visit for the entire day/evening

Don’t get me wrong, my Mum is lovely and we get on with her however we do find that on occasions we have invited her to ours that our entire evening is spent ensuring she is comfortable and really this year, DP wants to have a day/night with just us and our children. Last Christmas when we invited her to ours, we had asked that she come mid afternoon when my children would be arriving and she arrived literally hours earlier, when only DPs children were there and we had earmarked as time for him to spend with just his kids, I don’t think he has quite forgotten about this.

How can I nicely uninvite my Mum to dinner etc? Help!

OP posts:

cheddercherry · 11/12/2023 14:23

Honestly, I’d earmark a day before then to take your kids specifically to see her and then just say plans have changed for Xmas Eve and you’re no longer hosting anyone. Just take Christmas Eve off the table totally so there’s non confusion, no opportunity for her to scupper any best laid intentions to try and give her a slot (since she doesn’t seem to take “time slots” well and arrived hours earlier) then you don’t also have the awkward “you need to go now” issue later on too. Just give her some focused time and let your husband and the kids have the same and everyone should be happy. Best of luck, navigating Xmas timetables is some feat!

cheddercherry · 11/12/2023 14:24

I’d also add that I personally would rather have a date rearranged totally than go somewhere and feel like I’m imposing. So cancelling totally but changing to an alternative date I feel is softer than saying come, but not too long?

LookItsMeAgain · 11/12/2023 14:33

Send her something like this (or phone her and say it to her):

Hi Mum,

The situation for Christmas Eve has changed somewhat from the time that I was last speaking with you. Unfortunately, I have to rescind the invite to you for Christmas Eve but we're looking forward to seeing you on Christmas Day/Boxing Day/Whenever. Again, I'm really sorry about messing you around like this but the plans were always going to be fluid this late in the day"

Or something along those lines.

Namenumber3 · 11/12/2023 21:23

Be honest and say you aren’t having anyone over for Christmas Eve. Substitute fir formally invite her for Boxing Day or the “bit in the middle” or whenever they are back. Panto or day out / walk etc.

Original poster

Bahhhhhhhumbug · 12/12/2023 09:17

Thanks ladies! As it is I had my Mum over for dinner lastnight anyway and yet again, she didn’t stick to the timing. Said for her to come at 5.30 for dinner to be served at 6.30 as I would be working till 4.30, she arrived at 4.15. Hadn’t even started making dinner (roast so not a quick one to make!) DP was a bit cross too as he had also literally walked in from work and usually he takes a bit of time to just chill out alone - emergency services worker so he often needs that bit of space.

Had a chat with her after dinner and explained the situation. We’ve agreed on her coming over early in the day for the children to open what she has bought for them but the afternoon/evening is strictly us only. Will plan to do something else with her between Christmas and New Year - and indeed we do have an evening where DPs family are all possibly coming across too so she is more than welcome then too

Still feel bad about it but I have had Mum every year at Christmas for the last 15 years apart from one year, and this is the only year where the circumstances have been slightly different.

OP posts:

Iwantanapnow · 12/12/2023 09:22

Not helpful I know but I would let her come - she won’t be with you for ever. I would love to see my mum again for 1 more day and this time of year I miss her more than ever.

FrenchandSaunders · 12/12/2023 09:23

With this change of plan now though, how do you know she will actually leave late morning without you chucking her out? Given her previous record?

LookItsMeAgain · 12/12/2023 09:54

@Bahhhhhhhumbug - In relation to this part of your update "We’ve agreed on her coming over early in the day for the children to open what she has bought for them but the afternoon/evening is strictly us only." can I suggest that you do something to signal the end of the time that she is spending with you, like go for a walk/drive, so that she doesn't encroach on whatever activities (even if those are sitting in front of the telly watching Christmas movies together) you might have planned.

Enjoy your Christmas.

Lampzade · 12/12/2023 09:58

I think that you should just let her come tbh

twilly · 12/12/2023 10:07

I think it’s really hard to reach that age and not really be wanted. I find myself often thinking like this about my own mum - she complicates things and it’s easier without her. Never think it about my MIL though who is scrupulous about timings and not overstaying her welcome.

Whattodo112222 · 12/12/2023 10:15

I think each to their own, but honestly your mum is your mum, can you imagine how excluded she could feel. Like it's perfectly OK for her to come and give presents to the kids but essentially you're not welcome after. Seems a bit mean.

But that said, that's what you and your DH want. I can understand the frustration regarding not adhering to timings etc.. but do you imagine she just may be lonely?

Sconehenge · 12/12/2023 10:26

I have a very complex relationship with my mother and her faults extend far beyond arriving early and being made comfortable but I would never exclude her like this. I really don’t even understand it, have a dinner with your children at some other point in the year if you’re desperate for time with just your family unit. It’s Christmas now and mums get to join in on things. You mention feeling terrible. I mean this in the kindest way, but this terrible feeling is probably your conscience and you should listen to it!

underneaththeash · 12/12/2023 10:27

I think you should offer to pick her up and then drive her back home. That way the timings are down to you.

gamerchick · 12/12/2023 10:31

Expecting her to leave isn't going to work OP. She simply will keep pushing and pushing it back. Tensions will rise and you and your bloke will probably have a stress argument.

You need a plan to get her to leave.

Pinkdelight3 · 12/12/2023 10:32

Well done for sorting it. The bit I didn't understand was this -

I have one sibling, who has invited my Mum (75yo, widowed) to hers on Christmas Day.

Given that, I don't know why you invited her in the first place and maybe you misinterpreted the look. Likewise the easiest way out of it would've been to say "Sibling really wants you to go to theirs so you do that and we'll do our own thing and see you on xyz." Bit rude of her really to hold out for yours over sibling.

SarahC50 · 12/12/2023 10:36

So annoying her not sticking to times. I feel for your partner coming straight in from work and her already there, and you still working. She doesn't respect any of the simple boundaries you put in place.

She won't stick to the times on the days and you'll both end up angry and resentful

CluelessHamster · 12/12/2023 10:46

From what you've said about her timings, I think you'd be safer to ask if you can take the children to her house for presents in the morning, then leave to go 'for a walk/run round the park' or whatever plausible sounding activity so that you are in control. Or invite her on the 23rd and let her stay as long as she likes?

I just have a feeling she will end up parked on your couch and then what can you do?

HolidayBurden · 12/12/2023 11:10

Pinkdelight3 · 12/12/2023 10:32

Well done for sorting it. The bit I didn't understand was this -

I have one sibling, who has invited my Mum (75yo, widowed) to hers on Christmas Day.

Try reading again. Op invited her mum Xmas Eve, there is no clash of invitations.

Lavendersquare · 12/12/2023 12:12

Iwantanapnow · 12/12/2023 09:22

Not helpful I know but I would let her come - she won’t be with you for ever. I would love to see my mum again for 1 more day and this time of year I miss her more than ever.

100% agree with this, my brother has for the first time decided not to let my elderly mother visit for her usual Christmas morning visit to see his DC. She stays a maximum of an hour and is gone well before lunch so not at all in the way. She told him fine no problem but is actually devastated and so hurt I can't put it into words.

For goodness sake let your mother join in, you won't have her forever.

Pinkdelight3 · 12/12/2023 12:22

HolidayBurden · 12/12/2023 11:10

Try reading again. Op invited her mum Xmas Eve, there is no clash of invitations.

Show quote history

Okay, I was skewed by the heading saying 'at Christmas'. As it's Xmas eve, thats less of a big deal anyway and OP isn't obliged to have her over then, especially as they're doing other things with her between xmas and NY. Definitely no need to have invited her to dinner as Xmas Eve dinner isn't a thing and it's totally fine to keep it just for the immediate family. But it's sorted now anyhow. Just don't think OP should feel obliged in general, she's got enough to juggle and her DM has someone to spend the big day with.

SunnieShine · 12/12/2023 12:30

And then you get the people that complain their parents take no interest in their grandchildren. They can't win.

Headunderthecovers · 12/12/2023 12:37

From your posts it is your partner who has a real problem with your boundaries of your relationship with your Mum.
Does it really interfere that much your Mum being there when the children are?

Nagado · 12/12/2023 17:10

I think your DH’s attitude towards your DM is a little bit odd. If she’s as lovely as you say, then how is her being there interrupting the time you spend with your DC? I mean, if it was just you and your DH and all you wanted to do was feed each other chocolate strawberries under the tree, then I could see how she’d be cramping your style. But as it is, it sounds like he just doesn’t like your mum that much.

Original poster

Bahhhhhhhumbug · 12/12/2023 18:16

Thanks everyone! I’m hoping it’s sorted now - I do like other suggestions of going to see her at her house on Christmas Eve though! Perhaps this is a plan!

DP loves my Mum - but he also would like the day to be just us. We also find that when we have relatives over from either side of the family, our children do tend to make their way up to their bedrooms rather than spend time with us, as it changes the dynamic a little. So hence the decision for it to be just us. We are really lucky that all our kids get along and we actually do have a great time when we are altogether - and they won’t be this young or willing next year as we are really hitting the teenage years now - oldest is almost 17 and youngest is 10. So to a certain extent, we also feel this might be the last year where we don’t have boyfriends/girlfriends involved with any of the kids too.

Mum does prefer to come to ours at Christmas and always has, perhaps because we are slightly closer than my sibling - but only about an extra 20 minutes drive.

OP posts:

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