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Christmas

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Original poster

Is it ok to say you don’t want your baby being held by other people??

23 replies

Motherofpearlxoxo · 11/12/2023 13:52

I’m getting worried about Christmas Day as we went to a family gathering the other day and my little girl did not cope well, she’s 15 weeks old and has generally been fine at social ocassions up to then. I’m freaking out about spending Christmas Day AM with my family and then PM with husbands family.

I think the problem last weekend was everyone wanting to hold her. Will I come across as a dick if I say ‘do you mind if she just stays with me?’

I’d actually much rather be spending Christmas at home just the three of us but we’ve committed now so need to make it work!

I love Christmas and definitely don’t want to make things tense or piss people off.

OP posts:

DuploTrain · 11/12/2023 13:57

When you say she didn’t cope well, what do you mean?

My DS was a very fussy and unsettled baby so I do sympathise, but no holding is pretty extreme.

I would let people hold her, see how it goes and as soon as she gets fussy or upset just take her back. You don’t need to make it a big deal. Just say oh I’ll take her back now, and pick her up.

sprigatito · 11/12/2023 13:59

I think it is unreasonable not to let grandparents etc hold her, tbh. Maybe not lots of people in quick succession, or if she's actively upset, but it's not realistic to say nobody can hold her.

FourChimneys · 11/12/2023 14:00

I sympathise. One of mine hated being held by everyone and I resented people thinking they had a right to a cuddle. My baby is not your doll!

There are probably two solutions, either say she has been very unsettled by people, "it's a tricky stage" or put her in a sling.

Babies are all different. My other one could have been passed round a football stadium and not minded.

Constellationstation · 11/12/2023 14:00

I can totally empathise with you but I’m afraid a no-holding the baby rule at Christmas will very likely make things tense. I think have some excuses up your sleeve as to why you need to take her back.

cbbo · 11/12/2023 14:01

If baby gets overwhelmed just tell people that, and take her back, or away for some quiet time

HoHoHoliday · 11/12/2023 14:06

I think no holding by anyone is a bit too extreme, but equally pass-the-baby like a toy is also not fun for the baby. Find a happy compromise.
You're going to visit people who love you and love her. She's not just your daughter, she's their granddaughter, their niece. Allowing others to have a cuddle for a while and then hand her back when she shows signs of wanting you is a great way to get her used to being around others.

WaitingfortheTardis · 11/12/2023 14:30

It's good for babies to spend time being held by others, just make sure they hand her back if she seems unhappy.

Mumski45 · 11/12/2023 14:45

I think it might be best to do as pp have said and let people hold her but be quick to take her back when she starts fretting.

If you don't you will create a bad atmosphere as family will be looking forward to time with the baby.

You could also be making your own life quite difficult in the long term as if she is always held by you she will become used to that. This can cause problems when you need to go back to work, want to get stuff done or want your partner to share the load. You are reinforcing her natural instinct that you are the only 'safe' place which is not necessarily true:

Why not try interacting with her whilst she is being held by someone else so she knows you are there but also gets used to other people.

Mamaof1DD · 11/12/2023 14:48

Your baby, your rules!

I’d pop her in a sling or carrier and if anyone asks, say she’s settled and you don’t want her to disturb you, or if she’s not settled, say you want to settle her first.

furtivetussling · 11/12/2023 14:50

Someone once insisted on holding my baby at a wedding. She was about 3 months old I think, and she screamed blue murder for about an hour. Ruined the wedding for us as we had to take her outside the church and we missed the entire service.

Blanketpolicy · 11/12/2023 16:36

Saying up front no holding is a bit strange, play it by ear.

Stay close and as soon as baby starts to get upset or unsettled they get handed back to mum, dad. No discussion.

If she seems unsettled and someone asks to hold her casually say she is being a bit fussy I'll keep a hold of her for now, and see if she settles a bit.

NoNoNanette · 11/12/2023 16:42

My cousin had a baby about that age that she thought was fussy about being held by other people, but she had to hand her over to my DH who was the only person able to hold her. When she came back the baby angrily made it clear she wanted to stay with DH. She went to sleep eventually and everybody including the mother, thought it was sweet.

maryberryslayers · 11/12/2023 17:09

I'm actually really shocked at these responses. No body has a right to hold someone else's baby!! If they want to make it awkward then that's on them!

Your baby comes first, it's she's happy with you, then that's where she stays. Just say 'she's settled at the moment thanks'. She's your baby, you get to make the rules.

Daisies12 · 11/12/2023 17:17

I think that's extreme, you shouldn't go if you feel like that. And the only way baby will get used to it is doing it more? They're your family, not some randoms.

Coyoacan · 11/12/2023 17:36

Unless your baby is crying and the person holding her refuses to hand him/her back, I think it is lovely that people want to hold your child. I remember I would hardly see my baby at family events and they still love her and are there for her some thirty years later

Sconehenge · 11/12/2023 17:39

I had a few friends who had a “no holding” their new baby rule, I always respected this. But I had other friends who practically sling shot their new baby into my arms the moment I walked in the door. Guess whose babies I have a bond with and send happy birthday cards to and like to spend time with? Holding your baby is a wonderful way to bond with a little new human. You would never want her to be overwhelmed but hopefully a compromise is better!

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 11/12/2023 17:42

Passing babies around like a joint is weird, weird, weird. She’s a person, not a satsuma.

Keep her with you.

Newhere5 · 11/12/2023 17:44

Of course YANBU.
If you don’t want to pass her round just tell the people.
The reasonable ones will understand - it’s not about them but you and the baby

Notmetoo · 11/12/2023 17:45

It does seem a bit precious. Why not let people hold her and if she is unhappy take her back immediately. They probably won't want to continue to hold her if she becomes upset. But a blanket noone holds my baby does seem unnecessary

helpfulperson · 11/12/2023 17:47

I would see how you and she feel on the day. But bear in mind that these are the people who will be providing support, babysitting etc for the next few years so so long as she is happy I would let them have a cuddle now.

eddiemairswife · 11/12/2023 17:53

I don't get this obsession with holding babies.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 11/12/2023 17:55

I remember one of mine being clingy at that age. My MIL insisted on holding her despite my baby trying to cling to me and being upset. When she wouldn’t settle on her she almost threw her at me and said ‘stuff her then!’ - my MIL is a cow though.
You can say nobody can hold your baby, but you will probably find nobody will respect that and you could end up with an argument on your hands depending on your families personalities. Extended family members tend to feel very entitled to other family members babies.

BertieBotts · 11/12/2023 18:14

It is lovely to hold babies. People do need to remember it is a person not a toy though!

I agree that in general if the baby is happy, it's a really positive thing for them to have cuddles with lots of family members. It's when they aren't happy that you need to be diplomatic. I'd have a rolling list of lines like:

"Oh you know what I think she's probably ready for a nap, I'll take her somewhere quiet."
"I expect she's hungry, I'd better take her"
"Oh no you're alright, thank you for the offer but she's very fussy, needs a totally dark quiet room to feed."
"I'll pass her to daddy, she might need a nappy change, get the men to do something hahaha"
"Thanks for offering but I'm breastfeeding" (even if you're not)
"Aah yes I know [I should get her in a routine/get her used to sound/make her take a bottle] but the midwife was a bit worried about her weight gain so I just want to make sure she feeds enough at the moment."
"We're trying to get her into a routine and it's nap/feed/nappy change time. Don't want to mess with it."
"She seems to be dropping a nap at the moment so I never know when she's tired. I'll just try and lie her down."
"Maybe she needs a burp, DH has a really good trick for this"
"Oh watch out, when she does that she normally pukes next, give her here"
"Last time she made that noise she'd done a poo all up her back"

The last two are particularly useful for persistent relatives who want to try their own methods!

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