How does everyone else manage Xmas.

[DMMMJ]

Stuck in a situation and curious as to how people do Xmas present swap.

So back story. DH, 4 kids, DF and I have dinner at our house every year. DF is on his own and I am the oldest out of 4 siblings. 3 younger siblings spend Xmas day with their mums family (not my mum) so DF only really has me at Xmas.

DM has a partner whom my DH doesn't get on with so any family events like birthdays etc are always quite difficult to work around to ensure they aren't in the same room. DM also works rotational Christmases so this year she is off 23rd, 24th and 25th.

DM has me and my older sibling who has a GF and he is step dad to her 3 kids, they have their own house.

So last year DM came to drop of presents around 9pm on Xmas day to kids and DH wasn't best pleased as we were already having a late dinner due to everything going on and this just pushed everything back a bit more.

I'm keen to stop any issued arrising this year. DM always goes all out for the kids as well so there will be loads of presents for them to open and I don't want them to be overwhelmed.

So what do others do and how can I ensure everyone is kept happy?

I've tried to cover everything so hopefully it makes sense.

Do presents a week early! That’s what we are doing this year. The kids then have all Christmas to play with any toys

She has 3 days off. Just ask her does she want to come at x time on X day for lunch/buffet/drinks and give the kids presents, although it seems a bit unfair if your DF gets Christmas dinner with you each year and she never does.

Christmas Eve tea? Keeps the kids entertained and tired them out.

Ask her to come Christmas Eve.

I'd invite mum over Xmas eve for lunch so she can give the kids her presents then you still have your evening free to prepare for the Christmas Day.

@MissusNiceGuy I was thinking this but she won't be off work until the days running up to Xmas.

@JustDoItNowForChristSake in an ideal world I would love nothing more than to have my mum with us on Xmas day but unfortunately due to personal reasons my DH and DMs partner do not get on and DM wouldn't come without him.

@Totaly this could be a good idea.

@Ffsmakeitstop @trampoline123 she wouldn't come alone though and there is family issues between DH and DMs partner.

Xmas Eve lunch or afternoon tea, just make sure you give her a time that you are going to send her home (if she hasnt gone already) so you can get the kids calmed down for bed etc. Or boxing day, but Xmas Eve is likely to be more exciting all round. If she has form for giving your kids gifts she knows you wanted to give them, then push her to boxing day so she doesnt ruin any of your surprises

Have Christmas with your mum on a weekend in December. Perhaps designate the first Saturday in December as her day.

I "manage" by getting overwhelmed and triggered by it all. I can't handle it

Could they come for lunch on a day when your DH is working? Sorry didn't make the connection of her DH coming too.

If we weren't seeing my parents until Boxing Day, then they just came with their presents then.

Or we saw them early and took in presents and kept them for Christmas Day.

9pm is ridiculously late for Christmas Day.

@SeaToSki well this was another issue DC2 asked for something for Xmas which I have bought and put away and been so excited for the day to see the reaction and DM mentioned the other day that she has also got the same gift for her house. Not the exact same but similar which has annoyed me slightly as this is the first year DC actually knows what is going on so I'm thinking if DM does presents first then it's going to completely ruin our surprise and big present and the whole excitement element won't be there as DC will be like well I already have one of them. But DM won't then be off again until after New year.

unfortunately due to personal reasons my DH and DMs partner do not get on and DM wouldn't come without him.

Your poor DH. I'm assuming there's good reason for him not wanting the partner there. Tell them not to bother. Your DMs partner can't be in your house without a fuss then he doesn't get to enjoy your hospitality. Dm is a grown woman and makes her own choices from there.

@Merrymouse this could be an idea but it would need to be at her house and I can't just say this is what's happening at your house.

@SwordToFlamethrower this is how I feel every year the constant worry that your upsetting someone regardless of what you do it's very overwhelming and puts a dampner on it all.

@Ffsmakeitstop DH is knocking off a week or 2 before Xmas. I will double check this and could possibly do this.

@TeenDivided the reason it was so late was because she had been working all day only finished at 8 and by the time she got home got the kids presents and came to mine it was 9pm. Although I do agree it was late but I also understand she had a reasonable excuse for it being so late.

@Healthandsocialcaremodule yes there's a very good reason and I side with DH on it but also need to be the middle man as I still very much want DM to be in our lives. DM knows all of this but still continues to put it on me when it comes to occasions so that's why this year I'm trying to be one step ahead and say this is the plan are you in or not. I don't want to hurt DMs feelings but also need to be on DHs side so it's a no win most times as I'm always letting someone down.

Make a new tradition, book Panto tickets between Christmas and New year, GM comes and gives DGC presents you all go to the panto and have a meal out / at the theatre and then go your separate way home. It's chrisymasy, it's special, no one out stays their welcome.

@Singleandproud she isn't really a panto person I tried to get her to come to one this year funnily enough and she said no to it.

Sounds like you've done a lot to keep everyone happy. It's okay to put yourself and your family first though.

Why is it your job to make sure everybody is happy?

Gosh how complicated trying to make sure everyone is happy

You and the children go to DMs for coffee and cake on the 23rd

Exchange gifts

DH sorts out lunch for when you get back

But the duplicated gift is hidden so that you get to give yours first

.

If your mum's partner is a genuine problem (rather than it just being a personality clash) then your mum should visit without him. I hate it when people won't visit their own adult children without their partner (who isn't the child's parent) in tow. You have a right to see your mum without her bloke being there all the time.

Otoh, if it is just a trivial thing between your dh and mum's dp, then your husband ought to be thinking of you and trying to make things as easy on you as possible. He shouldn't put you between a rock and a hard place, where you are trying to balance everything and avoid tension or anyone kicking off!

Maybe you need to address the root cause of this problem so you don't have to carefully manage everyone.