Sister never buys gifts for her nieces or nephews.

[Speaknow123]

I have 2 sisters. One sister is a single parent of 2 grown up children (15&20). My issue is that she never bothers to buy gifts for my children (age 12&10). This includes birthdays and Christmas. She will not even get them a card- just a text message to me on the day wishing them a happy birthday. She also doesn’t give anything to my other sisters children. I have always given cards and presents to her children on their birthdays and for Christmas. This year I gave a card with money for my nieces birthday and she didn’t even acknowledge that she had Received it. I texted her to say happy birthday and she replied to say she had had a nice day and what she had been doing but no thank you or anything. I then asked her after several message if she received the card and she replied “oh yes, thank you”. My question is should I bother to still buy cards and presents for their birthdays and Xmas or should I just stop altogether. I’ve always felt it’s not fair for her children to suffer just because their mum is selfish and thoughtless but now I’m thinking that it’s a good time to stop especially if the gifts and not appreciated anyway. Just to add her older son always messages to say thank you but he is now 20. I did bring this up this year to my sister how annoyed and hurt I was after she posted a picture of the £30 cheesecake she had bought on Facebook on my daughters birthday (she can organise to order this for her to eat herself and pay for it but no card for my daughter). She replied and was apologetic but I’ve brought it up before and it never changes. Just to be clear- my daughters dont expect a present on their birthday or Xmas nor do they need anything but I feel it’s rude and selfish. I should also add she spends hundreds of pounds on her own children at Xmas which she can’t really afford. She doesn’t have much money but can afford to buy £30 cheesecakes on random weekends as a treat.

should I continue to buy for them at birthday and Xmas or should I not buy for them again.

She's trying to tell you, with every fibre of her being, that she doesn't value your gifts, for whatever reason. Just stop with the gifts and send a card, job done.

My adult niece is like this although she has plenty of money, I have 2dc as does she, every year I buy her kids Xmas/birthday presents whether or not my dc get something from her is a lottery, some years nothing others big expensive presents. I've moaned to my DH I'm going to stop buying hers but he always points out that we are buying the kids not niece so we will continue to buy regardless of whether its reciprocated.

Sounds like one of my siblings. It's hurt a lot over the years and I find them very rude but after our mother addressing it with them it's become apparent that they just don't value gifts at all so we have now stopped giving entirely to them or their (now adult) children. We never gave to receive anyway but rarely got thanks, often got hints for wanting money or big gifts all while never even getting a card or text for our own celebrations.

I'd say the relationship has noticeably cooled since we stopped the one sided giving but I no longer care. They are very self centred and different to the rest of the family, who tend to be very generous and giving. I've just come to accept we are different people who have very little in common and that extends to manners and giving.

We stop anyway with present giving to DNs after their 21st but have stopped younger with their youngest who is over 18 but under 21 as they never say thank you and any attempt to contact them has been ignored since 2019. I don't see the point in keeping going when they are so rude.

If I were you, I'd stop.

You don't give gifts for praise/recipocation... if you do your are doing it for self inflating purpose.

Me and DH only have brothers, non have them have ever even had the thought cross their mind to buy gifts, I still buy all them gifts. I do it because I want too, its my way of showing I care. Its not there way of showing love though and thats fine.

I expect NOTHING back from them. Giving a gift should be a action without reciprocation and NEVER be too 'buy' the receivers time, attention, affection, praise etc... thats toxic gift giving (like love bombing etc...).

Yes, just stop buying gifts for your sister’s DC.

Hmm. Did you all at any point agree not to buy presents.

My DH has 3 siblings and historically they did not buy for nieces and nephews. However recently his sil has started buying every Christmas for the children. It really muddy the waters.

I'd just send a card and a box of chocolates to their house, for general consumption.
Do you and your other sister exchange gifts for the children? If so, spend what you would have sent on extras for all the children, or a board game for all to play over the holidays.

Not everyone values or enjoys gift giving with wider relatives and she's shown you she's not interested in reciprocating so of course you shouldn't bother anymore

We stop at 18 in our family. I wouldn't continue to buy for anyone who didn't buy for my kids.

Is your sister a tight person overall? I'm sorry but I would stop slowly. Just gift a card and a box of biscuits... Next year I would just post a card your sister needs to learn. I'm a big believer in you don't give to recieve but I don't think it's OK to take take take either!

BIL is like this. We continue buying despite the rudeness because it's not his kids' fault they are like that

@housethatbuiltme this is for kids though..... are you on the same thread as us? I'd be offended if my sibling never bought my child anything but was willing to accept gifts from me each time. Where is people's decorum? As an adult it's different but when it comes to kids I think its quite selfish.

My sister and I have never bought for each other's kids. Neither of us is bothered and neither are the kids, who are all now in their twenties. We agreed when they were still babies to just not keep it going.

Perhaps she's just letting you know that it isn't a tradition that she wants to continue with? Just stop, and don't make an issue of it.

As I said our brothers don't buy for our kids... never been entitled enough to expect them too.

YOU have decided love is measured in material possessions but you cannot force that onto others. You control only your own behavior and just because someone else acts different does not mean they are 'wrong' and you have a moral high ground.

Expecting a gift lacks in decorum as does teaching your children to expect gifts.

@housethatbuiltme I don't see it as moral high ground. It's just basic manners OP sister didn't even say thanks for the card. I'm not going to debate basic manners with you, if you have got to adulthood and you can't work out the difference between giving to receive and someone just constantly taking.... that is entirely your own perogative.

Thanks for all the replies. It was been very interesting reading them. I think Ive made the decision not to buy for them this year. I really like the idea of buying a box of chocolates for all of them and phasing it out slowly. I absolutely don’t expect to give presents to receive and my children don’t either. It’s the lack of thought and effort that riles me.

You keep buying gifts for people that don't want them

And then moaning about it

Think about just how very annoying that is

Hmm, tricky because the 15 yr old is still a child, and I wouldn't want them to miss out just cos of their parent. The 20 yo I would have said just stop buying for them and cite adult age if anyone ever mentions it but you've said the 20 yr old does thank you? So I actually think I'd continue for now but don't spend a lot like. At 20 DH and I were married and present buying for our aunties and uncles and cousins etc ourselves but these days that's really unusual. My cousin is 27 and has only decided to start participating in gift buying now for example.

But if they don't see the value in gifts, you are surely doing it for yourself rather than them. They would know you love and care if you just rang them to say Hello/ Happy Birthday / Happy Christmas?

I have a similar issue. It annoys me when the kids don't send a message of thanks and equally there's no suggestion of things they might like. So its basically just "spend money to show you care". Fine if you have loads, crap if you don't .
Interestingly though I have a auntie that always bought for me mostly because my dad was her favourite sibling. Once I was adult I would buy for her and now she's in her 80's she's the only aunt I keep in touch and visit regularly thanks to her effort over the years. So maybe it does pay off.