First Christmas experience

[WillfredJohn]

I’ve found myself in a weird situation this Christmas, sadly earlier this year I lost a loved one very suddenly.

One of my sibling had mentioned going abroad as they were feeling very upset about the prospect of the first Christmas without them. Then yesterday, in a very indirect fashion, they shared they’d booked a last minute break and would be taking other family members.

There had been talk about going away but nothing concrete and having chatted to my family about it only a week ago, others said they’d not want to go away.

I feel very blindsided, I’m not begrudging them going away, but given it’s a first Christmas without a key family member, I’d have thought someone would have actually talked this through with me first.

What’s made matters worse is having explained how it’s made me feel, no one else can see any issue. Am I crazy for being upset?

Op do you mean your missing a parent or the siblings partner. I'm assuming it's not a child who's passed?

By the discussion and them sharing the details I'd take it as they've said - "I'm going abroad, up to you if you want to come"

We all deal with grief differently and first Christmas round the table without some is hard. So they've decided stuff it they are doing something completely different. Why have a miserable time thinking about the empty chair?

Maybe they've fancied going abroad for Christmas for a while but never done it becomes of the deceased

Were you expecting them to tell you the plans and invite you properly before booking or discuss with you whether they should go at all?

Have you still got people to spend it with?

I think my issue was that no one had said anything and then it was booked. Since the bereavement we’d all grown closer and had been regularly checking in on each other. It’s just the lack of any consideration I’ve found hurtful.

They mentioned it to you though. What was your response at the time?

Op they've shared the details of the holiday? I'd take that as an invite your welcome to come?

I'm going to assume its a parent who's deceased and your sibling, their family and potentially the remaining parent have booked to go away.

Do you want to go? Can you go, time, money, other commitments?

You could do something totally different to your usual Christmas without the constraints of others Indian takeaway for dinner.
Time to start new traditions.

Can you pinpoint exactly what you’re hurt about? How do you feel they haven’t considered you? Are you hurt you weren’t invited? Or that they didn’t check what you wanted to do at Christmas before they booked it? Or that they didn’t check whether you’d have anyone to spend the day with if they went abroad?

I do understand why you’d feel a lack of consideration with all of these, but I think you’re expecting too much from your sibling. They’re dealing with their grief in the way that is best for them. I mean this in the kindest possible way but they don’t owe you that consideration, just as you wouldn’t owe them if they begged you to come abroad with them and pretend Christmas wasn’t happening. It’s tough for all of you and if your relative was the glue that held you all together at Christmas, it’s understandable that some of you might need a change, as tough as that is for others. Try not to feel hurt, because this is about them dealing with their grief, not failing to consider yours 💐

It is a tricky one. I won’t go into details but some people have behaved shockingly towards me and my child since my husband died. Some people just don’t think how their actions affect you differently to normal circumstances and some are downright nasty but either way that’s a reflection of them not you. I suppose it’s a case of whether you think this person did it to exclude or upset you or just wasn’t thinking?